officially fed up
Well, it's nearly 1:00 a.m. again and I'm awake and I've reached the point today where I'm just all out of positive and this is the only friggin' place in the whole world where I can unload freely so here goes. If anyone doesn't want to read a great deal of upset, panicky whining, turn back now because here be dragons.
I officially hate my life. I do. This past year has been complete and nonstop worry and work and nothing has been accomplished except to get me further into a hole that I'll never get out of. I'll be 48 years old in July and this is not how I envisioned my life. Drowning in debt. Working a job that will never get me out of it. Husband's job that was supposed to be this great career to provide us with everything just stagnent and to sum it up, we're worse off than I ever thought we'd be.
If one more person tells me that money doesn't buy happiness or money doesn't solve problems I think I will lose my mind. People generally say that to you as they go off on vacation or drive up in a new car and as they sit with you in their gorgeous house after being able to buy their kids anything they want. My parents also say little pearls like this to me as they sit on a huge wad of cash that I've never asked for a dime of and tell me, "Oh, things are tough all over." And it wouldn't bother me so much if I'd screwed it all up and been a complete fuck up. But -- and this isn't meant as a brag or anything boastful -- I've done every fucking thing I was supposed to do my whole fucking life. Made good grades. Obeyed the rules. Never made any trouble. Didn't get pregnant before I was married or cheat on my husband. I've gone to church. Never broke the law. I've worked my ever loving ass off at every mind numbing job on the planet and scrambled like crazy to always have some little business going to bring in extra. And now I'm almost fifty and none of that has gotten me anywhere but alone on this couch talking to a computer screen about how desperate and miserable I am. I look around at friends here in town who have screwed over every human that got in their way, have had life handed to them on a platter, and they're selfish and petty but they have everything they want and I'll bet none of them are up at night feeling the walls caving in because they can't find enough hours in the day to work for a paycheck that won't make a dent in what they owe. I feel like a complete fool for trying to play by the rules and working my ass clean off for nothing.
For christsake I've even been a Mary Kay Lady. How much worse can it get than that?
And here I sit, not being able to borrow a fuckin' dime to consolidate all this stuff on my own after working my ass off for 30 years and never missing a paymetn on anything. Oh, the parents could solve all this for me and never miss it but even they told me no, too. You know, I'd do anything for my kids and have. If I have 30 bucks in the bank and they need it it's theirs. I just don't understand how people can love things and money more than human beings. I don't.
I've been scrambling for any extra work I can get, staying up all night either working or worrying and it's just not enough. It's sucked all the life and creativity out of me and tonight I just hit the wall with it. If this were a Lifetime movie it would be the point where a wealthy benefactor reads my little missive and comes to my rescue, right? But this isn't a movie. It's my life and it sucks so much right now that I just don't think I can stand it. IT's actuallly pretty funny to get to your "It's a Wonderful Life" moment when you realize that you're worth more dead than alive.
I truly thought my Miss Hissy Fit business was going to be the thing that took off and saved us but without money to get a business going it just goes nowhere and I'm so exhausted it's hard to make anything anyway. There's just no fun left in life for me lately because I'm just consumed with worry and scrounging for a buck here and there to keep up that it's draining me down to nothing. I'm so tired and I pray for someone to just come in for once in my life and fix something for me instead of the other way around. I've focused my life on running to the rescue of other people and now I look up and nobody is coming to mine.
I've considered doing things lately that I never would have this time last year. My standards are pretty much out the window and I hate what my life has become and I've never been a glass half full person but today, my glass ran out. I'm miserable every single second and up until today I've been able to cover that up but I'm empty and tired and if something good doesn't happen in a hurry I just don't know what I'm going to do because my whole life and my family will fall apart.
The end.
I apologize for the lack of a stiff upper lip or for not keeping my sunnyside up but I'm just done with all that because it just hasn't helped at all.
S
I officially hate my life. I do. This past year has been complete and nonstop worry and work and nothing has been accomplished except to get me further into a hole that I'll never get out of. I'll be 48 years old in July and this is not how I envisioned my life. Drowning in debt. Working a job that will never get me out of it. Husband's job that was supposed to be this great career to provide us with everything just stagnent and to sum it up, we're worse off than I ever thought we'd be.
If one more person tells me that money doesn't buy happiness or money doesn't solve problems I think I will lose my mind. People generally say that to you as they go off on vacation or drive up in a new car and as they sit with you in their gorgeous house after being able to buy their kids anything they want. My parents also say little pearls like this to me as they sit on a huge wad of cash that I've never asked for a dime of and tell me, "Oh, things are tough all over." And it wouldn't bother me so much if I'd screwed it all up and been a complete fuck up. But -- and this isn't meant as a brag or anything boastful -- I've done every fucking thing I was supposed to do my whole fucking life. Made good grades. Obeyed the rules. Never made any trouble. Didn't get pregnant before I was married or cheat on my husband. I've gone to church. Never broke the law. I've worked my ever loving ass off at every mind numbing job on the planet and scrambled like crazy to always have some little business going to bring in extra. And now I'm almost fifty and none of that has gotten me anywhere but alone on this couch talking to a computer screen about how desperate and miserable I am. I look around at friends here in town who have screwed over every human that got in their way, have had life handed to them on a platter, and they're selfish and petty but they have everything they want and I'll bet none of them are up at night feeling the walls caving in because they can't find enough hours in the day to work for a paycheck that won't make a dent in what they owe. I feel like a complete fool for trying to play by the rules and working my ass clean off for nothing.
For christsake I've even been a Mary Kay Lady. How much worse can it get than that?
And here I sit, not being able to borrow a fuckin' dime to consolidate all this stuff on my own after working my ass off for 30 years and never missing a paymetn on anything. Oh, the parents could solve all this for me and never miss it but even they told me no, too. You know, I'd do anything for my kids and have. If I have 30 bucks in the bank and they need it it's theirs. I just don't understand how people can love things and money more than human beings. I don't.
I've been scrambling for any extra work I can get, staying up all night either working or worrying and it's just not enough. It's sucked all the life and creativity out of me and tonight I just hit the wall with it. If this were a Lifetime movie it would be the point where a wealthy benefactor reads my little missive and comes to my rescue, right? But this isn't a movie. It's my life and it sucks so much right now that I just don't think I can stand it. IT's actuallly pretty funny to get to your "It's a Wonderful Life" moment when you realize that you're worth more dead than alive.
I truly thought my Miss Hissy Fit business was going to be the thing that took off and saved us but without money to get a business going it just goes nowhere and I'm so exhausted it's hard to make anything anyway. There's just no fun left in life for me lately because I'm just consumed with worry and scrounging for a buck here and there to keep up that it's draining me down to nothing. I'm so tired and I pray for someone to just come in for once in my life and fix something for me instead of the other way around. I've focused my life on running to the rescue of other people and now I look up and nobody is coming to mine.
I've considered doing things lately that I never would have this time last year. My standards are pretty much out the window and I hate what my life has become and I've never been a glass half full person but today, my glass ran out. I'm miserable every single second and up until today I've been able to cover that up but I'm empty and tired and if something good doesn't happen in a hurry I just don't know what I'm going to do because my whole life and my family will fall apart.
The end.
I apologize for the lack of a stiff upper lip or for not keeping my sunnyside up but I'm just done with all that because it just hasn't helped at all.
S