Rationalizations
I never have defended myself so I am going to now.
In Jan/Feb Adam said: "I miss you. I still want you. I am sorry. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. Please forgive me. I never stopped caring. I want to learn to trust again but I think it is impossible." We talked for hours about our relationship. He said the only reason we broke up (or he checked out) was because he couldn't trust me. He (we) read a couple's therapy book called "I Love You but I Don't Trust You. He didn't make any promises and I doubted his intentions. I stated (3x's) that if he still wanted to date around or if he was seeing anyone we didn't need to talk. He indirectly denied it. "Why would you say that, is it because we have trust issues?" He started checking in with me, we hung out to talk & hooked up twice. He knew I never stopped caring about him. He said he wanted to start dating me again. I was skeptical but I had a 1% hope that maybe I could believe him or it was true. NOPE!
I had no idea he had a girlfriend. He knows I wouldn't talk to him if he did. And I'm not vindictive, mean, mad or crazy enough to tell on him for cheating if I did know. It wasn't my place. It came out because I asked someone about a picture I saw online and then they talked to her even though I asked them not to. And then she messaged me. Adam always said he never cheated on his ex or me so I trusted him implicity not to. I thought it was a mutual moral standard. I am sorry for what happened, his gf didn't deserve that. The picture proved he had lied while we were dating last year. And it's true I wanted the truth about the pic more than I respected his privacy. I didn't know it would also turn up a gf and months of lies. I didn't know the dolphin necklace I helped him pick out on the cruise we went on was for her, not his mom. Or that he went to Vegas the day before we set sail to see her. Or that after we landed back in Seatac, he was picking a fight with me at the airport so he could leave to go have lunch with her. I didn't know while we were discussing trust issues and reading this trust book, he was with her in Hawaii. I think back to all the lies that are so obvious now, even when things were good. All the events he accidentally went to alone... St. Patricks Day last year. M's Opening Day Party. Hellbent Anniversary Party. Telling me his friends didn't like me. Telling his family I was too busy to see them. Maybe he was sleeping with that Kathrine girl. I think he was using me the entire time.
I get that people don't always tie loose ends before they move on, that they lie and cheat for selfish reasons. And that they are allowed to change their minds about who or what they want. I knew I was a 99% chance a rebound to Adam but I trusted & asked him to be fair when he wanted out. And I know I was free to leave at any time. BUT when you are lied to, manipulated and gaslighted on this level it is different, it passed from confused & selfish to crazy. He can say we broke up at the end of July but we didn't stop traveling together, sleeping together or spending time together. He said titles didn't matter and I didn't care as long as he was honest about what he wanted. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said that wasn't it. He just didn't like that we were fighting. Cool, let's not fight and see how it goes.
It is a mind fuck to have someone paint himself the sole victim of infidelity, to tell you to trust them, give them all the understanding you can, have them accuse you of booty calling or wanting your ex (which I didn't, Its been 12 years), lie for months about being married, maintain a level head through his insecurities, trust issues & picking fights, tell you they love you, watch him pull away and call you untrustworthy (over a text msg). have them watch you MENTALLY BREAK DOWN over their lies, they cheat and string you along until you break up with them. They come back to use you again. They say they treated you poorly b/c you BROKE THEIR TRUST. AND then while reading a book on rebuilding trust they cheat on someone else with you. Oh and tell you their friends don't like you to keep their social engagements private. And when you catch them cheating they have zero remorse and call you a crazy liar. "I don't care if I hurt you."
If at any point he said he wanted to see other people OR that he didn't want me, I would have accepted it and left. I said it's an understandable thing, go date if that is what you want. I always made his feelings valid so he had the space to be honest and not forced to lie. In July when he broke up with me I was calm. I was used to him getting angry over small things, silent treatment and being hot and cold. I said I want to listen to you if this is what you want, I will go but I'm not going back and forth. We didn't skip a day of seeing eachother. And before NOLA, when I broke up with him all he would say was he was confused. He didn't want to lose me, I was an amazing partner, it would hurt him too much to leave but it hurt me if he stayed. And he didn't know what to do. I left because he acted like he didn't want me anymore even thou he said he did. I said Adam, just say you don't want me its ok I can handle it, I need to hear it. He wouldn't say it and he def didn't admit that he was already seeing other people. Even after he came back in Feb we discussed it and he said he never left cuz he didn't want me, it was just about trust. And then I blamed myself.
He lost trust in me and it was my fault. I deleted a text msg from my ex/friend on my bday, it was a mistake. Adam flipped out. I could not convince him that the text was harmless. I didn't want Adam to see me bragging about my bday. I handed him my phone to go through, he could read whatever he wanted but it was too late. I thought my character & moral code was enough to prove that I would never cheat on anyone no matter what. Adam said I had the strongest moral compass. I didn't understand why my ex from 12 years ago was so offensive. I thought having the respect of an ex was a good example of being a decent person. I tried to be sensitive but I failed at making him feel secure enough. I was jumping through hoops to have him trust me while he was still married and had lied to me about it for 3 months, while he was hiding me from his friends & denying it, while I was secure enough to make his father in law breakfast while he stayed with Adam after surgery. I told him I would never cheat, if I wanted to see other people I would be respectful & leave, not stay & lie. I trusted him but he wouldn't trust me. I tried to be transparent. Looking back I realize it wasn't about Dan, me or a text. It was just about him, his past and another way to control me. He couldn't get over it. I'm still upset about it. And I can't believe he was so manipulative.
I am telling you all this b/c I don't think it is fair when women are labeled crazy. I have been so fair and (*mostly) not crazy to him. And I tell you so you can help him in the future. He has so much to offer after he STOPS lying and learns to trust again. I hope he doesn't treat more women like this. While I have never been lied to, manipulated or used so much in my entire life, I don't take it personally. I know its his way of living until he figures out what he wants and matures. Or maybe he is a sociopath, I don't know. I can't believe someone I thought was so amazing and I trusted, treated me like that and doesn't feel bad about it.
(*yes, I did accidentally set off his alarm while I was drunk & used his house key which he can call me crazy about but he spent the night with me afterwards so obviously he wasn't that mad about it.)
He needs to respect women, leave when he doesn't want them anymore and not string them along. There is no need to lie while dating, there are people out there that will accept his truth. If he wants to use women it goes alot smoother if he is upfront about it. He needs to be responsible for his actions instead blaming others or validating his behavior due to his experiences. If he wants to learn to trust again, he needs to be a trustworthy person. I know his behavior is due to struggle, confusion, selfishness but if he wants to feel better he should focus on the type of person he wants to be & his responsiblities in/to the world and less on what he thinks will fullfill him (like girls, trips & toys).
I know he sees meddling as betrayal and I'm sorry about it. Besides that I could not have been a better person or friend to him.
In Jan/Feb Adam said: "I miss you. I still want you. I am sorry. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. Please forgive me. I never stopped caring. I want to learn to trust again but I think it is impossible." We talked for hours about our relationship. He said the only reason we broke up (or he checked out) was because he couldn't trust me. He (we) read a couple's therapy book called "I Love You but I Don't Trust You. He didn't make any promises and I doubted his intentions. I stated (3x's) that if he still wanted to date around or if he was seeing anyone we didn't need to talk. He indirectly denied it. "Why would you say that, is it because we have trust issues?" He started checking in with me, we hung out to talk & hooked up twice. He knew I never stopped caring about him. He said he wanted to start dating me again. I was skeptical but I had a 1% hope that maybe I could believe him or it was true. NOPE!
I had no idea he had a girlfriend. He knows I wouldn't talk to him if he did. And I'm not vindictive, mean, mad or crazy enough to tell on him for cheating if I did know. It wasn't my place. It came out because I asked someone about a picture I saw online and then they talked to her even though I asked them not to. And then she messaged me. Adam always said he never cheated on his ex or me so I trusted him implicity not to. I thought it was a mutual moral standard. I am sorry for what happened, his gf didn't deserve that. The picture proved he had lied while we were dating last year. And it's true I wanted the truth about the pic more than I respected his privacy. I didn't know it would also turn up a gf and months of lies. I didn't know the dolphin necklace I helped him pick out on the cruise we went on was for her, not his mom. Or that he went to Vegas the day before we set sail to see her. Or that after we landed back in Seatac, he was picking a fight with me at the airport so he could leave to go have lunch with her. I didn't know while we were discussing trust issues and reading this trust book, he was with her in Hawaii. I think back to all the lies that are so obvious now, even when things were good. All the events he accidentally went to alone... St. Patricks Day last year. M's Opening Day Party. Hellbent Anniversary Party. Telling me his friends didn't like me. Telling his family I was too busy to see them. Maybe he was sleeping with that Kathrine girl. I think he was using me the entire time.
I get that people don't always tie loose ends before they move on, that they lie and cheat for selfish reasons. And that they are allowed to change their minds about who or what they want. I knew I was a 99% chance a rebound to Adam but I trusted & asked him to be fair when he wanted out. And I know I was free to leave at any time. BUT when you are lied to, manipulated and gaslighted on this level it is different, it passed from confused & selfish to crazy. He can say we broke up at the end of July but we didn't stop traveling together, sleeping together or spending time together. He said titles didn't matter and I didn't care as long as he was honest about what he wanted. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said that wasn't it. He just didn't like that we were fighting. Cool, let's not fight and see how it goes.
It is a mind fuck to have someone paint himself the sole victim of infidelity, to tell you to trust them, give them all the understanding you can, have them accuse you of booty calling or wanting your ex (which I didn't, Its been 12 years), lie for months about being married, maintain a level head through his insecurities, trust issues & picking fights, tell you they love you, watch him pull away and call you untrustworthy (over a text msg). have them watch you MENTALLY BREAK DOWN over their lies, they cheat and string you along until you break up with them. They come back to use you again. They say they treated you poorly b/c you BROKE THEIR TRUST. AND then while reading a book on rebuilding trust they cheat on someone else with you. Oh and tell you their friends don't like you to keep their social engagements private. And when you catch them cheating they have zero remorse and call you a crazy liar. "I don't care if I hurt you."
If at any point he said he wanted to see other people OR that he didn't want me, I would have accepted it and left. I said it's an understandable thing, go date if that is what you want. I always made his feelings valid so he had the space to be honest and not forced to lie. In July when he broke up with me I was calm. I was used to him getting angry over small things, silent treatment and being hot and cold. I said I want to listen to you if this is what you want, I will go but I'm not going back and forth. We didn't skip a day of seeing eachother. And before NOLA, when I broke up with him all he would say was he was confused. He didn't want to lose me, I was an amazing partner, it would hurt him too much to leave but it hurt me if he stayed. And he didn't know what to do. I left because he acted like he didn't want me anymore even thou he said he did. I said Adam, just say you don't want me its ok I can handle it, I need to hear it. He wouldn't say it and he def didn't admit that he was already seeing other people. Even after he came back in Feb we discussed it and he said he never left cuz he didn't want me, it was just about trust. And then I blamed myself.
He lost trust in me and it was my fault. I deleted a text msg from my ex/friend on my bday, it was a mistake. Adam flipped out. I could not convince him that the text was harmless. I didn't want Adam to see me bragging about my bday. I handed him my phone to go through, he could read whatever he wanted but it was too late. I thought my character & moral code was enough to prove that I would never cheat on anyone no matter what. Adam said I had the strongest moral compass. I didn't understand why my ex from 12 years ago was so offensive. I thought having the respect of an ex was a good example of being a decent person. I tried to be sensitive but I failed at making him feel secure enough. I was jumping through hoops to have him trust me while he was still married and had lied to me about it for 3 months, while he was hiding me from his friends & denying it, while I was secure enough to make his father in law breakfast while he stayed with Adam after surgery. I told him I would never cheat, if I wanted to see other people I would be respectful & leave, not stay & lie. I trusted him but he wouldn't trust me. I tried to be transparent. Looking back I realize it wasn't about Dan, me or a text. It was just about him, his past and another way to control me. He couldn't get over it. I'm still upset about it. And I can't believe he was so manipulative.
I am telling you all this b/c I don't think it is fair when women are labeled crazy. I have been so fair and (*mostly) not crazy to him. And I tell you so you can help him in the future. He has so much to offer after he STOPS lying and learns to trust again. I hope he doesn't treat more women like this. While I have never been lied to, manipulated or used so much in my entire life, I don't take it personally. I know its his way of living until he figures out what he wants and matures. Or maybe he is a sociopath, I don't know. I can't believe someone I thought was so amazing and I trusted, treated me like that and doesn't feel bad about it.
(*yes, I did accidentally set off his alarm while I was drunk & used his house key which he can call me crazy about but he spent the night with me afterwards so obviously he wasn't that mad about it.)
He needs to respect women, leave when he doesn't want them anymore and not string them along. There is no need to lie while dating, there are people out there that will accept his truth. If he wants to use women it goes alot smoother if he is upfront about it. He needs to be responsible for his actions instead blaming others or validating his behavior due to his experiences. If he wants to learn to trust again, he needs to be a trustworthy person. I know his behavior is due to struggle, confusion, selfishness but if he wants to feel better he should focus on the type of person he wants to be & his responsiblities in/to the world and less on what he thinks will fullfill him (like girls, trips & toys).
I know he sees meddling as betrayal and I'm sorry about it. Besides that I could not have been a better person or friend to him.