Inspiration's funny
Well, I don't know what happened exactly, but as it does, inspiration just reamed me today. You know, one minute, you're just minding your own buisness, and *BAM*. Like I need more whatnot, while I've got so much in the works. *sigh* But, you know how it is. It's HP. Don't like? Don't read. Spoilers include OOTP.
Title: Entropy
Author: Phoenix Angel Suyari
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: When is love first love?
Archive: Just ask.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, and all other characters from the popular series are the sole ownership of J.K. Rowling and like all other
authors, I'm merely borrowing them for my own satisfaction. Enjoy.
Spoilers: The usual. And OOTP.
They say time heals everything. Well, I'd sure as hell like to know who the fuck 'they' are so I can correct their misguided advice with a few clever blows to the head. Time heals shit. And makes you feel worse than nothing. I should know. Time has long hated me. Time and fate. They seem to amuse themselves by tormenting souls like mine. I still haven't figured out why. If I ever figure it out, I'm sure it'll be a moment before I die.
Life is ironic. You're taught throughout your own feeble little existance that it's there to serve you. A life is precious and defined by so many things. I can list more losses than joys. What definition does my life have?
When I was little, before the bite, I remember my mother telling me that somewhere out there, even if I couldn't understand at that moment, there was someone I was meant for, and someone meant for me. She made me a romantic. For a long time I believed I'd find my other half. The wolf in me only made it worse. And the first time I saw him...Here's where I'm supposed to say 'I knew', isn't it? Well, if I did, I'd be lying. I didn't know. There was no flash of light, no sudden, instantaneous realization. My breath didn't catch, my stomach flip, my heart clentch, or any number of cliched little signs of love.
No, the first time I met him, we fought. I guess neither of us had been paying much attention, because otherwise we'd've noticed one another. One minute I was running through the barrier and the next, I was on the floor. He cut his lip on my elbow. My owl got loose.
"Watch where you're going!"
"Me?! Watch where YOU'RE going!!"
We gathered our stuff, glaring and snapping at one another, and went our seperate ways. Later, we collided again. This time, he was on his way to the bathroom. I was looking for a compartment. We reached the door at the same time. His cheek had a sweet bruise by supper.
During the sorting I couldn't help but feel slightly nervous. He didn't seem to like me, and his friend, all tangled hair and long limbs, wasn't much help. I didn't know anyone and I knew I didn't belong. His name was the first called. I shrunk back, so I couldn't accidentally trip him, or something.
"Black, Sirius."
Honestly, the name suited him. Weird as it was. He had thick, shaggy dark hair, and the lightest cerulean eyes. His skin was tanned, and unlike most eleven year olds, he actually had some form of shape. The hat went over his head, covering most of his face, and with it there, the fact that his name was Black, wasn't hard to believe. Dark school robes, and soft hair that stuck out from below the brim. You'd almost expect dark eyes. But they weren't...and I knew that. And it mattered.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
Cheering, and he trotted down. He looked at me, staring me down. Went completely out of his way, around the entire group, because to go through it would be passing me, and risking further injury. More names. I got more nervous. What would the hat make of me? And then...
"Lupin, Remus."
Heart racing, I almost wished I could control my curse. That way, I could turn tail and run and everyone would stop staring. I walked up to the stool, put on the hat. I don't know what I was expecting, but what followed wasn't it.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
Surprised, I really wasn't. Just glad to fit in somehow. I made my way to the table. Had to sit next to him. He shifted away. My knife was a near miss from his lap if I were that clumsy. And more names. Two more I'd come to love.
"Pettigrew, Peter."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
"Potter, James."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
One I'd come to fear.
"Snape, Severus."
Throughout dinner, I was silent. My eyes darted about the table, focussing on my year. Six in total. Four boys. Two girls. I'd be sharing a room with these boys. I panicked so much, I hardly ate.
Picking beds it seemed, was not up to us. Mine was directly across from his. He seemed rather relieved. Time passed. Accidents happened. But funny, he stopped caring. We became friends. They found out. Didn't shun me. Named it. Worked around it. Joined it.
We parted seven years later. We all had things to do. I wouldn't see him again for another two years. But that didn't mean we never corresponded. James and Lily got married. The Order was formed. We spent a lot of time together then. In that first year, I learned more about him than seven years of school together. Harry was born. The war was turning in our favor.
He started to get distant. I never knew why. Just one moment everything was fine and the next he was avoiding me. There was a traitor in our midst. Could it be...?
Albus explained a prophecy, spoke privately to James. Sirius was still AWOL. He came back a week later. I didn't get to speak to him. James intercepted our meeting. I never did get to see him. Never knew what really happened. And suddenly, I found myself alone. James, Lily, Peter..all dead. Harry, taken away. Sirius guilty. As good as dead. All of them, gone.
I'm not sure what I did all those years. I know I looked forward to the pain of transformation. I know I looked forward to being discovered. I wanted to be gone too. Albus asked a question and I answered.
Then, there was Harry.
For a year, I was alive again. I existed. There was reason, and joy. Yes, joy. Harry meant so very much. But I was also afraid. Sirius was loose. And my reaction was far too complicated to understand. I thought him guilty, but didn't know it so. I knew him animagi, but didn't out him. Somewhere inside, I couldn't let them hurt him. Even if he was guilty. I guess I just had to find out myself. As it would happen, he was innocent.
I'm not sure if I was relieved. It was difficult, attempting to understand myself. I was just glad to have him back. Peter was back too. And for the first time in my life, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact, I wanted him dead.
Harry should have let us kill him. So much could have been avoided. But, Harry has a gentle heart. He's not yet learned how to be hard. Perhaps, though, he understands now.
Time went on, as time will do. I had Sirius again. We had to pretend we didn't know each other. Had to continue with my life. Every so often, he'd turn up. We'd have something warm to drink, something large to eat. Sit by the fire, curled up under one blanket and just talk. I'm sure I loved him then. I'm sure I've always loved him. I just didn't know it yet.
The reconfiguration of the order was something of a highlight in my life. I saw Sirius everyday. I stopped going home. He became my home. Falling asleep in one large chair. Darting about the grounds under the moon. Reliving old tales at midnight. I didn't know I loved him.
Harry became a focus. He needed parents. Molly didn't like his choice of role model. It was none of her buisness. Convict or not, legally, Harry still belonged to him. I lost some respect for her. Not much, but enough. He tried. He really did. Wore himself out worrying. He'd fall asleep on my shoulder. I didn't know I loved him.
Harry had a dream. Like the others, he trusted it. Sirius panicked, demanded to come. I should have voted no. But, he needed it so. I didn't know I needed him.
Harry did well. He didn't cry. Not once. Smeared in sweat and blood and dust. I'm not sure why I was so calm. He looked right at me before disappearing. Harry was going to go to him. So I stopped him. He didn't know what he was doing. All the same, if not for Harry, I would have followed. And yet, I didn't know I loved him.
I went home after. I took a shower. I went to sleep. I didn't know I longed for him.
I woke up. I ate breakfast. I went to headquarters. I didn't know I missed him.
I followed. Went about my buisness. I didn't know he was gone.
Term ended. Said my goodbyes. Voiced my threat. I didn't know I loved him.
I went home. I took a shower. Had something to eat. Went to sleep. I didn't know he was gone.
I got up. Went to headquarters. Recieved orders. Did my part. I didn't know I ached for him.
Time went on. Albus asked. I agreed. Term began. Harry's eyes are dull. He doesn't notice anything. He doesn't talk. He writes. He studies. He learns. He doesn't eat.
"Talk to him Remus."
I don't know what to say. I go anyway. Harry does talk. He talks to me. Because I loved him too, he says. Because I must hurt more than he does.
I tell him to eat. To talk to Hermione and Ron. People are scared, I say. Even Draco fears him. He smiles weakly. Says he'll try.
I go to my quarters. Grade some papers. Stop and think. Realize I don't understand. I never knew he loved me.
The next morning, Harry eats breakfast. He talks to Hermione and Ron. Gets into a fight with Draco. Saturday comes around. He plays Quidditch. Gryffindor wins. Tuesday is the full moon. I decide I don't like my office.
The night is long. Longer than I remember it ever having been. I am tired the next morning. So tired I fall asleep for two days. Poppy worries. Says I've never been so tired. I'm getting old, I say. She nods and turns away.
I go back to my room and look out the window. I realize I loved him. I cry because I never told him. I sob because I'll never hold him. I fall apart because I need him. This time he's not coming back.
And I'm empty. I've never been so devoid. I cry until there are no tears, and I'm soiling my carpet. I empty myself more, until my mouth burns of acid. I crawl across the room. Make it only half way. He didn't know I loved him.
Now he'll never know.
Soon my thoughts are clouded. My feelings muffled. The night and unconsciousness have come to visit. And I dream.
He looks at me, nose wrinkling. His robes are soaked. The cauldron's tipped over again. The second time this month. When did I become so clumsy? My hands are folded tightly. My lip between my teeth. Please don't let him be mad. I like him. I want him to like me. Please don't be mad.
He looks up. I step away. And he laughs.
Title: Entropy
Author: Phoenix Angel Suyari
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: When is love first love?
Archive: Just ask.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, and all other characters from the popular series are the sole ownership of J.K. Rowling and like all other
authors, I'm merely borrowing them for my own satisfaction. Enjoy.
Spoilers: The usual. And OOTP.
They say time heals everything. Well, I'd sure as hell like to know who the fuck 'they' are so I can correct their misguided advice with a few clever blows to the head. Time heals shit. And makes you feel worse than nothing. I should know. Time has long hated me. Time and fate. They seem to amuse themselves by tormenting souls like mine. I still haven't figured out why. If I ever figure it out, I'm sure it'll be a moment before I die.
Life is ironic. You're taught throughout your own feeble little existance that it's there to serve you. A life is precious and defined by so many things. I can list more losses than joys. What definition does my life have?
When I was little, before the bite, I remember my mother telling me that somewhere out there, even if I couldn't understand at that moment, there was someone I was meant for, and someone meant for me. She made me a romantic. For a long time I believed I'd find my other half. The wolf in me only made it worse. And the first time I saw him...Here's where I'm supposed to say 'I knew', isn't it? Well, if I did, I'd be lying. I didn't know. There was no flash of light, no sudden, instantaneous realization. My breath didn't catch, my stomach flip, my heart clentch, or any number of cliched little signs of love.
No, the first time I met him, we fought. I guess neither of us had been paying much attention, because otherwise we'd've noticed one another. One minute I was running through the barrier and the next, I was on the floor. He cut his lip on my elbow. My owl got loose.
"Watch where you're going!"
"Me?! Watch where YOU'RE going!!"
We gathered our stuff, glaring and snapping at one another, and went our seperate ways. Later, we collided again. This time, he was on his way to the bathroom. I was looking for a compartment. We reached the door at the same time. His cheek had a sweet bruise by supper.
During the sorting I couldn't help but feel slightly nervous. He didn't seem to like me, and his friend, all tangled hair and long limbs, wasn't much help. I didn't know anyone and I knew I didn't belong. His name was the first called. I shrunk back, so I couldn't accidentally trip him, or something.
"Black, Sirius."
Honestly, the name suited him. Weird as it was. He had thick, shaggy dark hair, and the lightest cerulean eyes. His skin was tanned, and unlike most eleven year olds, he actually had some form of shape. The hat went over his head, covering most of his face, and with it there, the fact that his name was Black, wasn't hard to believe. Dark school robes, and soft hair that stuck out from below the brim. You'd almost expect dark eyes. But they weren't...and I knew that. And it mattered.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
Cheering, and he trotted down. He looked at me, staring me down. Went completely out of his way, around the entire group, because to go through it would be passing me, and risking further injury. More names. I got more nervous. What would the hat make of me? And then...
"Lupin, Remus."
Heart racing, I almost wished I could control my curse. That way, I could turn tail and run and everyone would stop staring. I walked up to the stool, put on the hat. I don't know what I was expecting, but what followed wasn't it.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
Surprised, I really wasn't. Just glad to fit in somehow. I made my way to the table. Had to sit next to him. He shifted away. My knife was a near miss from his lap if I were that clumsy. And more names. Two more I'd come to love.
"Pettigrew, Peter."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
"Potter, James."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
One I'd come to fear.
"Snape, Severus."
Throughout dinner, I was silent. My eyes darted about the table, focussing on my year. Six in total. Four boys. Two girls. I'd be sharing a room with these boys. I panicked so much, I hardly ate.
Picking beds it seemed, was not up to us. Mine was directly across from his. He seemed rather relieved. Time passed. Accidents happened. But funny, he stopped caring. We became friends. They found out. Didn't shun me. Named it. Worked around it. Joined it.
We parted seven years later. We all had things to do. I wouldn't see him again for another two years. But that didn't mean we never corresponded. James and Lily got married. The Order was formed. We spent a lot of time together then. In that first year, I learned more about him than seven years of school together. Harry was born. The war was turning in our favor.
He started to get distant. I never knew why. Just one moment everything was fine and the next he was avoiding me. There was a traitor in our midst. Could it be...?
Albus explained a prophecy, spoke privately to James. Sirius was still AWOL. He came back a week later. I didn't get to speak to him. James intercepted our meeting. I never did get to see him. Never knew what really happened. And suddenly, I found myself alone. James, Lily, Peter..all dead. Harry, taken away. Sirius guilty. As good as dead. All of them, gone.
I'm not sure what I did all those years. I know I looked forward to the pain of transformation. I know I looked forward to being discovered. I wanted to be gone too. Albus asked a question and I answered.
Then, there was Harry.
For a year, I was alive again. I existed. There was reason, and joy. Yes, joy. Harry meant so very much. But I was also afraid. Sirius was loose. And my reaction was far too complicated to understand. I thought him guilty, but didn't know it so. I knew him animagi, but didn't out him. Somewhere inside, I couldn't let them hurt him. Even if he was guilty. I guess I just had to find out myself. As it would happen, he was innocent.
I'm not sure if I was relieved. It was difficult, attempting to understand myself. I was just glad to have him back. Peter was back too. And for the first time in my life, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact, I wanted him dead.
Harry should have let us kill him. So much could have been avoided. But, Harry has a gentle heart. He's not yet learned how to be hard. Perhaps, though, he understands now.
Time went on, as time will do. I had Sirius again. We had to pretend we didn't know each other. Had to continue with my life. Every so often, he'd turn up. We'd have something warm to drink, something large to eat. Sit by the fire, curled up under one blanket and just talk. I'm sure I loved him then. I'm sure I've always loved him. I just didn't know it yet.
The reconfiguration of the order was something of a highlight in my life. I saw Sirius everyday. I stopped going home. He became my home. Falling asleep in one large chair. Darting about the grounds under the moon. Reliving old tales at midnight. I didn't know I loved him.
Harry became a focus. He needed parents. Molly didn't like his choice of role model. It was none of her buisness. Convict or not, legally, Harry still belonged to him. I lost some respect for her. Not much, but enough. He tried. He really did. Wore himself out worrying. He'd fall asleep on my shoulder. I didn't know I loved him.
Harry had a dream. Like the others, he trusted it. Sirius panicked, demanded to come. I should have voted no. But, he needed it so. I didn't know I needed him.
Harry did well. He didn't cry. Not once. Smeared in sweat and blood and dust. I'm not sure why I was so calm. He looked right at me before disappearing. Harry was going to go to him. So I stopped him. He didn't know what he was doing. All the same, if not for Harry, I would have followed. And yet, I didn't know I loved him.
I went home after. I took a shower. I went to sleep. I didn't know I longed for him.
I woke up. I ate breakfast. I went to headquarters. I didn't know I missed him.
I followed. Went about my buisness. I didn't know he was gone.
Term ended. Said my goodbyes. Voiced my threat. I didn't know I loved him.
I went home. I took a shower. Had something to eat. Went to sleep. I didn't know he was gone.
I got up. Went to headquarters. Recieved orders. Did my part. I didn't know I ached for him.
Time went on. Albus asked. I agreed. Term began. Harry's eyes are dull. He doesn't notice anything. He doesn't talk. He writes. He studies. He learns. He doesn't eat.
"Talk to him Remus."
I don't know what to say. I go anyway. Harry does talk. He talks to me. Because I loved him too, he says. Because I must hurt more than he does.
I tell him to eat. To talk to Hermione and Ron. People are scared, I say. Even Draco fears him. He smiles weakly. Says he'll try.
I go to my quarters. Grade some papers. Stop and think. Realize I don't understand. I never knew he loved me.
The next morning, Harry eats breakfast. He talks to Hermione and Ron. Gets into a fight with Draco. Saturday comes around. He plays Quidditch. Gryffindor wins. Tuesday is the full moon. I decide I don't like my office.
The night is long. Longer than I remember it ever having been. I am tired the next morning. So tired I fall asleep for two days. Poppy worries. Says I've never been so tired. I'm getting old, I say. She nods and turns away.
I go back to my room and look out the window. I realize I loved him. I cry because I never told him. I sob because I'll never hold him. I fall apart because I need him. This time he's not coming back.
And I'm empty. I've never been so devoid. I cry until there are no tears, and I'm soiling my carpet. I empty myself more, until my mouth burns of acid. I crawl across the room. Make it only half way. He didn't know I loved him.
Now he'll never know.
Soon my thoughts are clouded. My feelings muffled. The night and unconsciousness have come to visit. And I dream.
He looks at me, nose wrinkling. His robes are soaked. The cauldron's tipped over again. The second time this month. When did I become so clumsy? My hands are folded tightly. My lip between my teeth. Please don't let him be mad. I like him. I want him to like me. Please don't be mad.
He looks up. I step away. And he laughs.