(no subject)
My theory that my dreams are linked to my emotional body seem to be true. As I work and bring back the emotions my dreams have been more frequent. Furthermore they have not been prophetic, but they seem to be there simply to help with the pain and sorrow I feel. To give me what I am missing.
That being said, the other night I had an interesting dream. It was set sort of like a school field trip and the other "classmates" were people I have not talked to or seen in a long time. The only exception was that one of my co-workers was there as well. To explain our relationship is rather simple: we are rivals. Unlike my best enemy, I actually like her. Her personality is one that fits well with my own and it leads to a hearty competitive flavored work relationship.
This trip was to the nearby mountains where a lot of ski resorts are located. We headed out there for a stay in some cabin that likely doesn't exist. Before we left there was some banter amongst the group, mostly hazing between friends. Now that I think about it they have have been making jabs at me about
the closeness with my Co-worker. There were also a few stops before we arrived; primarily one of those tiny shops that charges you outlandish prices because they are the only place for miles. I refused to pay the prices and we moved on. However, those details are minor compared to the ones afterward.
My co-worker and I shared a bed and for whatever reason we were also both naked. It felt so good to feel someones flesh against mine... Even more interesting is that it did not feel intimate in the sort of way lovers might cuddle. Instead it felt as if it were deep trust and friendship that brought us close. I have felt this before, but it was strange to put her face on this feeling. I also cannot recall another time where this came to me in a dream. We also shared a conversation while we held one another, but all I remember is that I told her how much I enjoy being close with someone I care about. I have been painfully craving that for so long and it felt very satisfying when I woke.
However the following night was not as kind to me. It ties into my emotional body because it seems to be an outburst of that pain. It also felt like things were escalating internally and I will say, I am not so sure I am okay with that. The dream I had completely contrasts the prior one and it left me restless. I woke up to the sounds of my alarm clock tearing into my ears, almost like what people describe as a hangover. Essentially I was fighting with someone I once held closely. It was entirely about trust that I never felt. Essentially the dream felt like a concentrated punch of all the things that tore the two of apart.
I am tired of this roller-coaster. I never thought I would look at myself in disgust again, but here I am seeing the wreck that I have become. The darker part of me wants to rip it out and throw it away, to undo any of the work and laugh as I slip back into sheer cold. Luckily the rest of me knows that is folly, but it grows harder to resist.
And on a topic that I am starting to think is related, I saw something before I fell asleep. This is the second time it has happened, but I forgot to write about it then. It was also a lot more defined this time, and it congealed into the likeness of a man. This entity appeared first as a mist or smoke of a vibrant white that seemed to faintly illuminate the entire room.
I want to call him angelic, but I do not really believe it. He showed no emotion and was just staring down at me. Even now I am unsure why, and at first I thought it was Saroth. He assures me that it wasn't which has me wondering who or what it was.
I have had a lot of trouble reading it's intent and what is more interesting is that it is getting past some really powerful wards. Which leads me to think either I am hallucinating, this thing is really powerful, or it is a part of me. Perhaps a depiction of myself if I give up emotions again? Needless to say... it is connected somehow. I feel it.
That being said, the other night I had an interesting dream. It was set sort of like a school field trip and the other "classmates" were people I have not talked to or seen in a long time. The only exception was that one of my co-workers was there as well. To explain our relationship is rather simple: we are rivals. Unlike my best enemy, I actually like her. Her personality is one that fits well with my own and it leads to a hearty competitive flavored work relationship.
This trip was to the nearby mountains where a lot of ski resorts are located. We headed out there for a stay in some cabin that likely doesn't exist. Before we left there was some banter amongst the group, mostly hazing between friends. Now that I think about it they have have been making jabs at me about
the closeness with my Co-worker. There were also a few stops before we arrived; primarily one of those tiny shops that charges you outlandish prices because they are the only place for miles. I refused to pay the prices and we moved on. However, those details are minor compared to the ones afterward.
My co-worker and I shared a bed and for whatever reason we were also both naked. It felt so good to feel someones flesh against mine... Even more interesting is that it did not feel intimate in the sort of way lovers might cuddle. Instead it felt as if it were deep trust and friendship that brought us close. I have felt this before, but it was strange to put her face on this feeling. I also cannot recall another time where this came to me in a dream. We also shared a conversation while we held one another, but all I remember is that I told her how much I enjoy being close with someone I care about. I have been painfully craving that for so long and it felt very satisfying when I woke.
However the following night was not as kind to me. It ties into my emotional body because it seems to be an outburst of that pain. It also felt like things were escalating internally and I will say, I am not so sure I am okay with that. The dream I had completely contrasts the prior one and it left me restless. I woke up to the sounds of my alarm clock tearing into my ears, almost like what people describe as a hangover. Essentially I was fighting with someone I once held closely. It was entirely about trust that I never felt. Essentially the dream felt like a concentrated punch of all the things that tore the two of apart.
I am tired of this roller-coaster. I never thought I would look at myself in disgust again, but here I am seeing the wreck that I have become. The darker part of me wants to rip it out and throw it away, to undo any of the work and laugh as I slip back into sheer cold. Luckily the rest of me knows that is folly, but it grows harder to resist.
And on a topic that I am starting to think is related, I saw something before I fell asleep. This is the second time it has happened, but I forgot to write about it then. It was also a lot more defined this time, and it congealed into the likeness of a man. This entity appeared first as a mist or smoke of a vibrant white that seemed to faintly illuminate the entire room.
I want to call him angelic, but I do not really believe it. He showed no emotion and was just staring down at me. Even now I am unsure why, and at first I thought it was Saroth. He assures me that it wasn't which has me wondering who or what it was.
I have had a lot of trouble reading it's intent and what is more interesting is that it is getting past some really powerful wards. Which leads me to think either I am hallucinating, this thing is really powerful, or it is a part of me. Perhaps a depiction of myself if I give up emotions again? Needless to say... it is connected somehow. I feel it.