how can i decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind...
(and i think) that's enough to make me stay
Kyuhyun/Seohyun, Hurt, PG-13 ~ 1,020w
* * * *
It was a beautiful scenery, the sunset, and it was something they both shared. It seemed like yesterday, Kyuhyun thought, when they were so in love with one another. They would watch every sunsets together, his hand tightly holding hers, and he would tell her how beautiful she was-even lovelier than the sunset. And Seohyun would blush slightly-she always does and it was something only Kyuhyun could pull off-and she would tell him how happy she was that she’s with him (that she’s perfect for him). Then, there would be silence between them, and both (they knew) would think only about happy endings because they so love each other, and they feel nothing else, nothing more, but pure happiness and contentment.
But this time, it was different. Their hands were not intertwined though they still watch the sunset together. Kyuhyun didn’t tell Seohyun she was lovelier than the sunset though he knew it was the truth, it was just left unsaid. Seohyun, this time, didn’t tell Kyuhyun how happy she was now that she’s with him though it was still the truth. That Seohyun could think no one else who could make her feel special but Kyuhyun. Also, it was left unsaid. Both were silent. Though their feelings towards each other were still the same… both were hoping it still was.
But the thing was, there’s this silence between them. It was not an uncomfortable one but was far from comfortable either.
Kyuhyun and Seohyun were both standing for a while now in the middle of the bridge-at the same spot where they found each other for the first time. Probably, that was one of the reasons why no matter how mad they had gotten to one another, those were starting to fade away as happy moments and lovely memories were starting to form in their minds. They still loved each other, it’s the truth. But they were both in a situation not even love could guess what the result would be. They were now only a step from breaking up and the thing that kept them together now was faith-only faith. It was a lovely word and had a nice ring now to both of them. For without it, they were nothing-no matter how much they still love each other. It was a strong word, Kyuhyun thought. And he was thankful.
Seohyun cleared her throat, and Kyuhyun knew he’s going to have his verdict now.
“I’m sure you know how much I hated you for cheating.” She said.
“I know..” Kyuhyun answered, studying her face. She looked so calm but Kyuhyun knew what lies behind that. He knew her too well, and this was actually what he had gotten him crazy-the way Seohyun would be able to pull off a calm expression despite everything. More to say, the way Seohyun looked so innocent and understanding despite everything that he did to her. This kind of things hurt him a lot. Most of the time he knew what she would be thinking, and he would say her thoughts out loud sometimes just to annoy her. And most of the time, Kyuhyun knew when to hug her especially the times when she needed it the most. But during these times, Kyuhyun could think of nothing else-what to say or what to do-because he didn’t know what she’s thinking, and it drives him crazy, too.
Seohyun sighed deeply. Most of the time, Kyuhyun knew what it would mean but not this time.
“I’m tired, Kyuhyun.” She whispered, and his heart immediately broke into pieces. He was near on losing her, and he never wanted that. What he should do, he didn’t know. He had gone too far, and it was more than a reason why Seohyun would want to break up with him. But…
“I don’t know what to do..” she confessed.
Seohyun turned to face him with a smile on her face.
“And I’m sure you know how much I don’t want you to be smiling like you’re okay…when you’re not.” he told her in a calm tone, shaking his head.
“I know that too well.” She said. “And I’m sure you know that that’s one of my ways to torture you.”
Seohyun sighed another one deeply, now facing the sea in front of them.
“I think it is unfair, Kyuhyun. I’m so tired understanding you for a million times, and every time I try, I always end up with my heart getting broken. But.. it’s like, no matter how much I hate you-no matter how much I wanted to let you go-I just can’t.” she said in a soft voice.
Kyuhyun wanted to reach for hand and tell her it’s okay because this time, he won’t let her heart get broken anymore. He learned his lesson well now, after all.
But Kyuhyun didn’t.
He was afraid it would just let the situation worsen because this time, he knew so well how Seohyun was trying to hold back the tears. She was so tired from understanding him, and he just knew it.
“That’s because you know that we love each other no matter what..” he started to say instead.
“I don’t want to lose you.” Kyuhyun said. You are the only one for me.
“I don’t want to leave you, either.” Seohyun whispered back, tears were finally streaming down her cheeks. “And I hate you so much for making me love you this hard.”
Kyuhyun slowly took her into his arms as she cried silently. “I hope you’d never get tired of me, Seohyun. Please stay with me… forever.” I love you so much.
Seohyun knew that if she’d stay, her heart would be broken again, and again. But she didn’t mind at all. I love you, too-so much even if it hurts.
And I think that’s enough to make me stay.
I’ll stay, Kyuhyun.
“Just please don’t break my heart again, Kyuhyun…” Because I love you.
That's the reason why, even when Kyuhyun had hurt her heart for a lot of times already, Seohyun still decided to stay.
* * * *
Wonder
Chanyeol/Jiyeon, Romance, PG-13 ~ 597w
* * * *
I wonder…
Adding her facebook account actually took a lot of courage from me. I didn’t exactly know the reason why I was afraid of doing it though. Probably, it’s all because I’m starting to notice how she unconsciously sway her left arm more than the other when she’s walking-when she’s feeling nervous while walking rather. Or probably, it’s all because I’m starting to know how she would clip her hair behind her hair every two minutes or so. Or maybe it’s all because I’m starting to know the way she would hide behind her friends’ back when some boys from the upper classes would approach her to talk about senseless things just for the idea of having conversations with her. And they didn’t know these kinds of things scare her a lot. It also may be because of the fact that I’m starting to notice little things about her, like the way she would bit her lips as her eyes were all focused on the ground when she walks by a lot of people especially when she’s alone. Or like the way she would tap her feet unconsciously when standing for three minutes or so.
It might be because I’m starting to feel guilty-of noticing her and almost knowing, if not everything but some things (a lot of things), about her.
Or it might be because I’m starting to feel guilty about this secret admiration I have for her.
Park Jiyeon was very precious. She would give her precious smile to everyone but the special. I have just seen it once-when Myungsoo, a sweet kid also from her class, gave her a red rose surprisingly one windy afternoon. It was not her birthday, and Valentine’s day was even months away. Myungsoo just gave her a red rose, and I have known she found it sweet and special.
Why was I afraid of sending a friend request again?
I just wonder…
I was never the type to accept friend requests to anyone. Before adding them, I first check their profiles to discover if ever we were acquainted or something. But as I checked my facebook account one day, a name appeared on my friend requests list that immediately made my heart go flutter. The reason why? I exactly do not know why. I don’t even think it was possible.
IU and I were rushing towards our next class located at the other end of the campus. Packs of student were walking, and some were also running, towards every direction. There were lots of twists and turns, and the annoyance was starting to get to me. I never liked hot and crowded places, in the first place. But, in much surprise, I saw him walk towards our direction. With one second, we looked at each other’s eyes. The contact was immediately broken by some tall senior, and my eyes quickly focused at my shoes as my cheek slightly blushed at it.
“Something wrong?” IU asked when she noticed.
“Nothing.” I told her softly, my heart was actually beating faster as he and I were coming closer towards each other (and this feeling-it was more different from what I have felt when Myungsoo randomly gave me a red rose).
And it seemed like minutes, no-years had passed as I walked past by him. It was like time stopped still randomly.
It was just a friend request, I reminded myself. I need not to think more than that.
Park Chanyeol just sent a friend request. I’m not even sure if he recognized me just now.
* * * *
Count To Ten
Myungsoo/Suzy, Hurt, PG- 13, ~1,148w
* * * *
One…
She appears in front of me with a rather forced smile on her lips-faking everything to cover up her real emotions, that she’s hurt-and I act as if I was deceived, as if I believed she’s feeling fine when in reality, she’s not.
“Myungsoo-ah..” she calls out my name with her usual cheery tone. If ever we were not that close of a friend, I might have believed the mask she’s wearing.
But I notice it nonetheless.
I give her a smile, an understanding one, and did my best to be the usual.
Two…
She sings a beautiful melody as we walk from school together. And after I listen a few notes from her singing, I realize it was rather a sad lullaby. Her eyes are focused at the thin air before her and her thoughts are somewhere around the corner. I even now have the duty to pull her whenever she’s about to step through an open manhole twice, and yet she will not notice. Her thoughts are still wandering somewhere… somewhere I cannot follow to pull her back to reality.
Three…
She laughs so loud when I crack a joke one time. It’s very unusual because she have never laughed at my lame jokes ever since but would just roll her eyes instead.
Then, she stops from laughing and shakes her head for a few times.
“That’s so funny, Myungsoo-ah.. so funny…” she says with a bit of sadness in her voice I just notice when her voice falters for a split second.
I sigh to myself. How long will she be like this?
Four…
She traces the steps towards the library silently-looking at the stepping stones aimlessly.
“Hey..” I said as I got closer.
She looks up to me with a rather shocked expression with a tint of visible depression engraved on her face as I saw remnants of tears in her eyes.
“Hey.” She lets out a quick laugh as she wipes them off with her sleeve.
“I got sleepy.” She lies. And I pretend I believed what she just said.
Five…
I see her sitting by the wooden bench we used to share together.
Quietly, I sit beside her. I knew she’s crying. And I’m sure she knows that I knew that she’s crying.
“I’m sorry…” she sniffs.
Suzy tries to stop herself from crying out more tears and straightens herself up.
“Don’t…” I whisper and pull her back from standing.
She was surprised, I notice.
“Don’t keep it to yourself anymore, Suzy. I know that it hurts… a lot.” I tell her.
She looks into my eyes as I witness tears starting to form at the tip of her eyes once again. I can’t help but to hold her into my arms and let her cry into my shirt.
I never cared if my shirt will get wet from her tears.
I just want her to cry her heart out and pour everything what’s inside her into tears.
She’s been holding it for too long and I just knew that Bae Suzy is never a strong person.
And as her friend, I will do anything to make her feel better.
And as her friend, I know how much she’s hurting much up until this very moment.
Acting strong despite the pain will surely hurt so much, I just know it.
Six…
“I hate him so much for not even noticing the hurt I’m feeling…” she tells me one evening as we are on our way back home.
“I hate him for not budging to care even just a bit…” she continues on complaining.
I walk beside her and listen to all of her rants. Sometimes, she would cry a tear or two and I would just put my arms around her to comfort her. Then, she would tell me she’s just alright and she just needs to vent out her emotions from time to time. And then, I would tell her that it’s okay.
“I still love him though, that’s for sure.” She will (always) say at the end.
Because no matter how many liters of tears she would cry, she will love him still.
Seven…
She calls me one Sunday afternoon to meet her at the park.
I find her by our favorite spot in the place swinging by herself alone.
Taking the swing beside her, we stay (and swing) together silently.
No words are heard. And it’s only silence that we both shared.
I can feel how burden she is though by the way she sigh heavily at every few minutes or so.
After a few moments, she cries and cries and cries.
And I just stay at her side to listen. As what I always do.
Eight…
“He doesn’t deserve you, Suzy.” I tell her when we are eating our lunch together under the mango tree near the school’s gym.
She stops from taking a bite from her food (she has lost her appetite these days, anyway) and pauses for a moment or two.
“But he’s the only one for me, Myungsoo. He’s the only one…” she replies back softly.
“All he ever does is to hurt you, Suzy. I’m sure you know that.” I say.
“Tell me, Myungsoo… Tell me if there was any boy who wouldn’t hurt me as much. If ever there were any…” she whispers, almost begging, as a tear found its way out of her eyes.
There is, Suzy. There is… because I will never hurt you…
But instead of saying those words, I just stay quiet and become her crying shoulder once again.
Nine…
Both of us stop our tracks when we saw him and with another girl sharing a passionate kiss ten meters away from us.
I notice how Suzy immediately held her breathe as she witness these two.
This time, she didn’t have time to struggle herself from crying. Because she just did.
My heart.. I think I heard it breaking.
I have seen her cry for a lot of times.. for almost every day but this.. I just know this one hurt the most.
I carefully take her into my arms and kiss the top of her head.
She’s silently crying now and her heart…
I want to comfort her.
I want to protect her.
I want to keep her from crying-from hurting.
But I’m just Myungsoo, just her friend Myungsoo.
Ten…
“Wooyoung-oppa said it was just nothing.” She tells me.
Bae Suzy loves him so much. That’s a fact.
That’s the reason why no matter how many times Wooyoung would hurt her-would cheat her, Suzy would never have the guts to leave him and end their relationship.
Because no matter how many times Wooyoung would break her heart into pieces, Suzy would always pick all of the pieces back.
Suzy sighs and I know I will be starting back at one once again.
* * * *
Kyuhyun/Seohyun, Hurt, PG-13 ~ 1,020w
* * * *
It was a beautiful scenery, the sunset, and it was something they both shared. It seemed like yesterday, Kyuhyun thought, when they were so in love with one another. They would watch every sunsets together, his hand tightly holding hers, and he would tell her how beautiful she was-even lovelier than the sunset. And Seohyun would blush slightly-she always does and it was something only Kyuhyun could pull off-and she would tell him how happy she was that she’s with him (that she’s perfect for him). Then, there would be silence between them, and both (they knew) would think only about happy endings because they so love each other, and they feel nothing else, nothing more, but pure happiness and contentment.
But this time, it was different. Their hands were not intertwined though they still watch the sunset together. Kyuhyun didn’t tell Seohyun she was lovelier than the sunset though he knew it was the truth, it was just left unsaid. Seohyun, this time, didn’t tell Kyuhyun how happy she was now that she’s with him though it was still the truth. That Seohyun could think no one else who could make her feel special but Kyuhyun. Also, it was left unsaid. Both were silent. Though their feelings towards each other were still the same… both were hoping it still was.
But the thing was, there’s this silence between them. It was not an uncomfortable one but was far from comfortable either.
Kyuhyun and Seohyun were both standing for a while now in the middle of the bridge-at the same spot where they found each other for the first time. Probably, that was one of the reasons why no matter how mad they had gotten to one another, those were starting to fade away as happy moments and lovely memories were starting to form in their minds. They still loved each other, it’s the truth. But they were both in a situation not even love could guess what the result would be. They were now only a step from breaking up and the thing that kept them together now was faith-only faith. It was a lovely word and had a nice ring now to both of them. For without it, they were nothing-no matter how much they still love each other. It was a strong word, Kyuhyun thought. And he was thankful.
Seohyun cleared her throat, and Kyuhyun knew he’s going to have his verdict now.
“I’m sure you know how much I hated you for cheating.” She said.
“I know..” Kyuhyun answered, studying her face. She looked so calm but Kyuhyun knew what lies behind that. He knew her too well, and this was actually what he had gotten him crazy-the way Seohyun would be able to pull off a calm expression despite everything. More to say, the way Seohyun looked so innocent and understanding despite everything that he did to her. This kind of things hurt him a lot. Most of the time he knew what she would be thinking, and he would say her thoughts out loud sometimes just to annoy her. And most of the time, Kyuhyun knew when to hug her especially the times when she needed it the most. But during these times, Kyuhyun could think of nothing else-what to say or what to do-because he didn’t know what she’s thinking, and it drives him crazy, too.
Seohyun sighed deeply. Most of the time, Kyuhyun knew what it would mean but not this time.
“I’m tired, Kyuhyun.” She whispered, and his heart immediately broke into pieces. He was near on losing her, and he never wanted that. What he should do, he didn’t know. He had gone too far, and it was more than a reason why Seohyun would want to break up with him. But…
“I don’t know what to do..” she confessed.
Seohyun turned to face him with a smile on her face.
“And I’m sure you know how much I don’t want you to be smiling like you’re okay…when you’re not.” he told her in a calm tone, shaking his head.
“I know that too well.” She said. “And I’m sure you know that that’s one of my ways to torture you.”
Seohyun sighed another one deeply, now facing the sea in front of them.
“I think it is unfair, Kyuhyun. I’m so tired understanding you for a million times, and every time I try, I always end up with my heart getting broken. But.. it’s like, no matter how much I hate you-no matter how much I wanted to let you go-I just can’t.” she said in a soft voice.
Kyuhyun wanted to reach for hand and tell her it’s okay because this time, he won’t let her heart get broken anymore. He learned his lesson well now, after all.
But Kyuhyun didn’t.
He was afraid it would just let the situation worsen because this time, he knew so well how Seohyun was trying to hold back the tears. She was so tired from understanding him, and he just knew it.
“That’s because you know that we love each other no matter what..” he started to say instead.
“I don’t want to lose you.” Kyuhyun said. You are the only one for me.
“I don’t want to leave you, either.” Seohyun whispered back, tears were finally streaming down her cheeks. “And I hate you so much for making me love you this hard.”
Kyuhyun slowly took her into his arms as she cried silently. “I hope you’d never get tired of me, Seohyun. Please stay with me… forever.” I love you so much.
Seohyun knew that if she’d stay, her heart would be broken again, and again. But she didn’t mind at all. I love you, too-so much even if it hurts.
And I think that’s enough to make me stay.
I’ll stay, Kyuhyun.
“Just please don’t break my heart again, Kyuhyun…” Because I love you.
That's the reason why, even when Kyuhyun had hurt her heart for a lot of times already, Seohyun still decided to stay.
* * * *
Wonder
Chanyeol/Jiyeon, Romance, PG-13 ~ 597w
* * * *
I wonder…
Adding her facebook account actually took a lot of courage from me. I didn’t exactly know the reason why I was afraid of doing it though. Probably, it’s all because I’m starting to notice how she unconsciously sway her left arm more than the other when she’s walking-when she’s feeling nervous while walking rather. Or probably, it’s all because I’m starting to know how she would clip her hair behind her hair every two minutes or so. Or maybe it’s all because I’m starting to know the way she would hide behind her friends’ back when some boys from the upper classes would approach her to talk about senseless things just for the idea of having conversations with her. And they didn’t know these kinds of things scare her a lot. It also may be because of the fact that I’m starting to notice little things about her, like the way she would bit her lips as her eyes were all focused on the ground when she walks by a lot of people especially when she’s alone. Or like the way she would tap her feet unconsciously when standing for three minutes or so.
It might be because I’m starting to feel guilty-of noticing her and almost knowing, if not everything but some things (a lot of things), about her.
Or it might be because I’m starting to feel guilty about this secret admiration I have for her.
Park Jiyeon was very precious. She would give her precious smile to everyone but the special. I have just seen it once-when Myungsoo, a sweet kid also from her class, gave her a red rose surprisingly one windy afternoon. It was not her birthday, and Valentine’s day was even months away. Myungsoo just gave her a red rose, and I have known she found it sweet and special.
Why was I afraid of sending a friend request again?
I just wonder…
I was never the type to accept friend requests to anyone. Before adding them, I first check their profiles to discover if ever we were acquainted or something. But as I checked my facebook account one day, a name appeared on my friend requests list that immediately made my heart go flutter. The reason why? I exactly do not know why. I don’t even think it was possible.
IU and I were rushing towards our next class located at the other end of the campus. Packs of student were walking, and some were also running, towards every direction. There were lots of twists and turns, and the annoyance was starting to get to me. I never liked hot and crowded places, in the first place. But, in much surprise, I saw him walk towards our direction. With one second, we looked at each other’s eyes. The contact was immediately broken by some tall senior, and my eyes quickly focused at my shoes as my cheek slightly blushed at it.
“Something wrong?” IU asked when she noticed.
“Nothing.” I told her softly, my heart was actually beating faster as he and I were coming closer towards each other (and this feeling-it was more different from what I have felt when Myungsoo randomly gave me a red rose).
And it seemed like minutes, no-years had passed as I walked past by him. It was like time stopped still randomly.
It was just a friend request, I reminded myself. I need not to think more than that.
Park Chanyeol just sent a friend request. I’m not even sure if he recognized me just now.
* * * *
Count To Ten
Myungsoo/Suzy, Hurt, PG- 13, ~1,148w
* * * *
One…
She appears in front of me with a rather forced smile on her lips-faking everything to cover up her real emotions, that she’s hurt-and I act as if I was deceived, as if I believed she’s feeling fine when in reality, she’s not.
“Myungsoo-ah..” she calls out my name with her usual cheery tone. If ever we were not that close of a friend, I might have believed the mask she’s wearing.
But I notice it nonetheless.
I give her a smile, an understanding one, and did my best to be the usual.
Two…
She sings a beautiful melody as we walk from school together. And after I listen a few notes from her singing, I realize it was rather a sad lullaby. Her eyes are focused at the thin air before her and her thoughts are somewhere around the corner. I even now have the duty to pull her whenever she’s about to step through an open manhole twice, and yet she will not notice. Her thoughts are still wandering somewhere… somewhere I cannot follow to pull her back to reality.
Three…
She laughs so loud when I crack a joke one time. It’s very unusual because she have never laughed at my lame jokes ever since but would just roll her eyes instead.
Then, she stops from laughing and shakes her head for a few times.
“That’s so funny, Myungsoo-ah.. so funny…” she says with a bit of sadness in her voice I just notice when her voice falters for a split second.
I sigh to myself. How long will she be like this?
Four…
She traces the steps towards the library silently-looking at the stepping stones aimlessly.
“Hey..” I said as I got closer.
She looks up to me with a rather shocked expression with a tint of visible depression engraved on her face as I saw remnants of tears in her eyes.
“Hey.” She lets out a quick laugh as she wipes them off with her sleeve.
“I got sleepy.” She lies. And I pretend I believed what she just said.
Five…
I see her sitting by the wooden bench we used to share together.
Quietly, I sit beside her. I knew she’s crying. And I’m sure she knows that I knew that she’s crying.
“I’m sorry…” she sniffs.
Suzy tries to stop herself from crying out more tears and straightens herself up.
“Don’t…” I whisper and pull her back from standing.
She was surprised, I notice.
“Don’t keep it to yourself anymore, Suzy. I know that it hurts… a lot.” I tell her.
She looks into my eyes as I witness tears starting to form at the tip of her eyes once again. I can’t help but to hold her into my arms and let her cry into my shirt.
I never cared if my shirt will get wet from her tears.
I just want her to cry her heart out and pour everything what’s inside her into tears.
She’s been holding it for too long and I just knew that Bae Suzy is never a strong person.
And as her friend, I will do anything to make her feel better.
And as her friend, I know how much she’s hurting much up until this very moment.
Acting strong despite the pain will surely hurt so much, I just know it.
Six…
“I hate him so much for not even noticing the hurt I’m feeling…” she tells me one evening as we are on our way back home.
“I hate him for not budging to care even just a bit…” she continues on complaining.
I walk beside her and listen to all of her rants. Sometimes, she would cry a tear or two and I would just put my arms around her to comfort her. Then, she would tell me she’s just alright and she just needs to vent out her emotions from time to time. And then, I would tell her that it’s okay.
“I still love him though, that’s for sure.” She will (always) say at the end.
Because no matter how many liters of tears she would cry, she will love him still.
Seven…
She calls me one Sunday afternoon to meet her at the park.
I find her by our favorite spot in the place swinging by herself alone.
Taking the swing beside her, we stay (and swing) together silently.
No words are heard. And it’s only silence that we both shared.
I can feel how burden she is though by the way she sigh heavily at every few minutes or so.
After a few moments, she cries and cries and cries.
And I just stay at her side to listen. As what I always do.
Eight…
“He doesn’t deserve you, Suzy.” I tell her when we are eating our lunch together under the mango tree near the school’s gym.
She stops from taking a bite from her food (she has lost her appetite these days, anyway) and pauses for a moment or two.
“But he’s the only one for me, Myungsoo. He’s the only one…” she replies back softly.
“All he ever does is to hurt you, Suzy. I’m sure you know that.” I say.
“Tell me, Myungsoo… Tell me if there was any boy who wouldn’t hurt me as much. If ever there were any…” she whispers, almost begging, as a tear found its way out of her eyes.
There is, Suzy. There is… because I will never hurt you…
But instead of saying those words, I just stay quiet and become her crying shoulder once again.
Nine…
Both of us stop our tracks when we saw him and with another girl sharing a passionate kiss ten meters away from us.
I notice how Suzy immediately held her breathe as she witness these two.
This time, she didn’t have time to struggle herself from crying. Because she just did.
My heart.. I think I heard it breaking.
I have seen her cry for a lot of times.. for almost every day but this.. I just know this one hurt the most.
I carefully take her into my arms and kiss the top of her head.
She’s silently crying now and her heart…
I want to comfort her.
I want to protect her.
I want to keep her from crying-from hurting.
But I’m just Myungsoo, just her friend Myungsoo.
Ten…
“Wooyoung-oppa said it was just nothing.” She tells me.
Bae Suzy loves him so much. That’s a fact.
That’s the reason why no matter how many times Wooyoung would hurt her-would cheat her, Suzy would never have the guts to leave him and end their relationship.
Because no matter how many times Wooyoung would break her heart into pieces, Suzy would always pick all of the pieces back.
Suzy sighs and I know I will be starting back at one once again.
* * * *