Rainbows and Butterflies and Crap
Be prepared for a rambly, preachy post. More for my benefit than anything else.
Even though I generally try to keep my mouth shut (though often failing at that), I have always been a person deeply interested in Politics. I am also an eternal optimist and despite what the news, and politics and other people tell me, I have always held on to my belief that the world is generally a good place full of generally good people who tend to be misled easily.
This optimism has often been the source of amazement by my fellow students. I decided to study probably one of the most depressing subjects I could have chosen. International Studies? Peace? Depressing as Shit. All I have learned about for the past 6 years is all the horrible things we do to each other. Yes, I often joke about it, all of us studying this do, because that is how we deal with it. Humor is sometimes the only way to deal with it after we watch yet another video of first-hand accounts of torture or war and mass graves. There is the side of absolute destruction, and then in policy classes where we basically learn that there is nothing the international community can/will do about it.
I have witnessed many people becoming jaded, and dropping out of the studies because organizations are useless, hope is useless and humanity just sucks.
Not me. I continued to hold on to the belief that any small thing counts, that doing something is better than nothing, and that people can be changed. That people are easily influenced by blind belief, that most soldiers/people in general who are ordered to kill do it because they are led to believe it is the right thing to do, not because they actually do. I always thought we live in a good place where the good far outweighs the bad. I always argued that it is not naive to think that, but rather the more difficult path to choose, that thinking that there is nothing to do because we are going to hell in a handbasket anyway, is just the easy way out.
Well, I had an epiphany about 5 minutes ago when I burst into tears reading the news. I realized why I cannot write my Thesis about peace (and grief). My Thesis is all about hope and finding the path towards something good in a bad situation. I realized that I don't believe it anymore.
Finally, those 6 years (and the years before) finally got to me. The last few years have had too many shootings and killings and rapings and politicians doing shit about any of it. Once in a while I will ready happy news, or see a happy family on the street, and I believe that people are still good, but there is just too much crap going on for me to continue to believe that the little things count as much. Who the hell shoots a little 14 year old in the head and neck because she wanted girls to go to school? Who the fuck does that? Who blows oneself up in a crowd hoping to get as many people as possible? Who shoots in a crowded movie theater? I don't get it anymore.
I will continue writing my Thesis about peace and hope and shit, but the joy is gone. I used to revel in my optimism, in my hope for the future and I thought it was one of my better qualities. So much for being an eternal optimist.
Even though I generally try to keep my mouth shut (though often failing at that), I have always been a person deeply interested in Politics. I am also an eternal optimist and despite what the news, and politics and other people tell me, I have always held on to my belief that the world is generally a good place full of generally good people who tend to be misled easily.
This optimism has often been the source of amazement by my fellow students. I decided to study probably one of the most depressing subjects I could have chosen. International Studies? Peace? Depressing as Shit. All I have learned about for the past 6 years is all the horrible things we do to each other. Yes, I often joke about it, all of us studying this do, because that is how we deal with it. Humor is sometimes the only way to deal with it after we watch yet another video of first-hand accounts of torture or war and mass graves. There is the side of absolute destruction, and then in policy classes where we basically learn that there is nothing the international community can/will do about it.
I have witnessed many people becoming jaded, and dropping out of the studies because organizations are useless, hope is useless and humanity just sucks.
Not me. I continued to hold on to the belief that any small thing counts, that doing something is better than nothing, and that people can be changed. That people are easily influenced by blind belief, that most soldiers/people in general who are ordered to kill do it because they are led to believe it is the right thing to do, not because they actually do. I always thought we live in a good place where the good far outweighs the bad. I always argued that it is not naive to think that, but rather the more difficult path to choose, that thinking that there is nothing to do because we are going to hell in a handbasket anyway, is just the easy way out.
Well, I had an epiphany about 5 minutes ago when I burst into tears reading the news. I realized why I cannot write my Thesis about peace (and grief). My Thesis is all about hope and finding the path towards something good in a bad situation. I realized that I don't believe it anymore.
Finally, those 6 years (and the years before) finally got to me. The last few years have had too many shootings and killings and rapings and politicians doing shit about any of it. Once in a while I will ready happy news, or see a happy family on the street, and I believe that people are still good, but there is just too much crap going on for me to continue to believe that the little things count as much. Who the hell shoots a little 14 year old in the head and neck because she wanted girls to go to school? Who the fuck does that? Who blows oneself up in a crowd hoping to get as many people as possible? Who shoots in a crowded movie theater? I don't get it anymore.
I will continue writing my Thesis about peace and hope and shit, but the joy is gone. I used to revel in my optimism, in my hope for the future and I thought it was one of my better qualities. So much for being an eternal optimist.