(no subject)
I am so bored these days. Which is mostly my fault, I just feel so sluggish and like I don't want to do anything, which is not true...but I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I sit at home all day, maybe do some chores but mostly watch TV on the internet. What is wrong with me? I never used to do that, I used to be active and do stuff and actually like school. I am a grad student, but I feel like I am doing nothing for it. I know that I can't do this like I did my other 16 years worth of schooling, where I would spend a minimal amount of time doing actual work because I never had to work hard to get good grades. This is different, and I just don't care. I have an essay due in two days, I barely started on it and it sucks. I know I should do it, but I can't motivate myself. If I knew to what end this work would lead then maybe I'd do it, but I feel so stuck these days. I work part-time at Macy's, which I hate, I am sometimes temping and going on job interviews for jobs I don't even want. Hell, I don't even know if the career I have chosen (whatever that is) is what I want anymore. I want to help people but I just can't imagine myself crawling through the African Bush anymore. Even so, I don't even know how to get started for me to get a job like that.
I am scared of being stuck here, at home, of taking any job because it pays, and staying there because it's comfortable, of then finding a nice but non-exciting guy and staying with him because he is staying. I can see all of this unfolding, slowly but surely, and that is not the future I want. I don't want to live here, I don't want to have a family here and I don't want to settle for any job or man.
I always get these ideas that I could do, but none of them ever see the light of day. Some of them are crazy and some of them are doable. They just all involve me having more faith in myself and getting of my lazy ass. Sometimes I think that I could start writing more, Essays were always my strong suit, that's how I got my good grades in College, but writing Research papers about International Conflict and Torture is not going to sell, and I haven't written anything creative since Freshman year in High School. Then I think that I could draw. I used to do that quite a bit, and wasn't half bad, but any confidence I had in that was destroyed. Maybe I even would start drawing again if I just knew what, all my creative energy seems to have been drained and I don't know how to get it back. Then I want to get in shape, thinking that that is the solution to my problem and it works, for a day maybe two, and then I stop that too. A couple years back I used to look into my future and knew exactly what I want to do, and was very optimistic, I want to feel like that again.
I am scared of being stuck here, at home, of taking any job because it pays, and staying there because it's comfortable, of then finding a nice but non-exciting guy and staying with him because he is staying. I can see all of this unfolding, slowly but surely, and that is not the future I want. I don't want to live here, I don't want to have a family here and I don't want to settle for any job or man.
I always get these ideas that I could do, but none of them ever see the light of day. Some of them are crazy and some of them are doable. They just all involve me having more faith in myself and getting of my lazy ass. Sometimes I think that I could start writing more, Essays were always my strong suit, that's how I got my good grades in College, but writing Research papers about International Conflict and Torture is not going to sell, and I haven't written anything creative since Freshman year in High School. Then I think that I could draw. I used to do that quite a bit, and wasn't half bad, but any confidence I had in that was destroyed. Maybe I even would start drawing again if I just knew what, all my creative energy seems to have been drained and I don't know how to get it back. Then I want to get in shape, thinking that that is the solution to my problem and it works, for a day maybe two, and then I stop that too. A couple years back I used to look into my future and knew exactly what I want to do, and was very optimistic, I want to feel like that again.