crestfallen.
today was a low. i went into work- i really dislike taking time off, and was fully aware that teaching three days these week means i'd have to ask for more time off from the UN than normal- but felt as if all the energy and spirit had been sucked out of me. i sat at my desk and felt unable to speak, and my back spasms started worsening. i sat quietly scouring the japanese newspapers for a few hours, wondering how best to alert everyone to my near-excruciating pain. i stretched and rubbed my back and tried to settle down until lunch time. i mentioned quietly to another intern that i had hurt my lower back, and was rewarded with a few words of sympathy. i carried on, quietly. then at some point the spasms got so bad i started to feel light-headed, fully out of sorts, tears pricking my eyes. i went to the printer room to pick up a few maps to a shiatsu clinic i was planning on calling- and promptly burst into tears in front of another intern, whispering "本当に我慢できない。。。” ("i really can't stand this pain...") and she marshalled me back into the room to explain to the department heads. moriya-san quickly ushered me into the study room, gave me a blanket (joking that only at the UNHCR would they have emergency refugee blankets on hand- and jerry cans and mattresses if i was feeling really in need!) and talked to me for a while about how i was feeling, and how last week was really extremely busy and she was sorry for overloading me. she said that the recent change in temperature (tokyo has been extremely damp and chilly for a few days) could be at fault, and suggested that maybe it was a stomach ulcer from stress as well? after a while she left me to doze.
after she left i started crying again, running over all these small niggles that have slowly built up over the last couple of weeks- various ailments and lack of health insurance, worries over whether my work visa would come through in time or whether i really do have to get on my december 5th flight back home or to elsewhere in asia to wait... whether i could achieve everything i wanted to do here while my body is falling apart, etc etc. and also that today, coincidentally, is the thirteenth anniversary of my father's death, and in my semi-hallucinogenic state of pain, all the cosmic coincidences of this and the reverberations of grief were conspiring to weaken me. i stared at the blinds for a while with wet eyes until they formed patterns of light and movement, and then fell into some kind of sleepy reverie for a while. i knew there was no rush to get home, but i also didn't want to wait until it got dark to make my way home, so after an hour i got up (losing my sight for a few seconds) and politely asked to leave. i made it home on the train, feeling blurry, and then ensconced myself in my chair, where i've been ever since, drinking spicy miso soup and feeling sorry for myself. slightly better; less dizzy, but annoyed at myself for getting so low-energy and wondering at whether this will lift, and how often it will rebound in the future, seeing as i've had back pain for about five years, or maybe more. i know, of course, that it will pass, but i hate feeling this stagnant and sucked-dry, and wonder if i will ever strike a balance of health and activity that allows me not to fall into these strange ruts. and so it goes. a day off tomorrow to go to shiatsu and watch films, write letters if i can bear to sit up... blah, blah, self-pity!
after she left i started crying again, running over all these small niggles that have slowly built up over the last couple of weeks- various ailments and lack of health insurance, worries over whether my work visa would come through in time or whether i really do have to get on my december 5th flight back home or to elsewhere in asia to wait... whether i could achieve everything i wanted to do here while my body is falling apart, etc etc. and also that today, coincidentally, is the thirteenth anniversary of my father's death, and in my semi-hallucinogenic state of pain, all the cosmic coincidences of this and the reverberations of grief were conspiring to weaken me. i stared at the blinds for a while with wet eyes until they formed patterns of light and movement, and then fell into some kind of sleepy reverie for a while. i knew there was no rush to get home, but i also didn't want to wait until it got dark to make my way home, so after an hour i got up (losing my sight for a few seconds) and politely asked to leave. i made it home on the train, feeling blurry, and then ensconced myself in my chair, where i've been ever since, drinking spicy miso soup and feeling sorry for myself. slightly better; less dizzy, but annoyed at myself for getting so low-energy and wondering at whether this will lift, and how often it will rebound in the future, seeing as i've had back pain for about five years, or maybe more. i know, of course, that it will pass, but i hate feeling this stagnant and sucked-dry, and wonder if i will ever strike a balance of health and activity that allows me not to fall into these strange ruts. and so it goes. a day off tomorrow to go to shiatsu and watch films, write letters if i can bear to sit up... blah, blah, self-pity!