To "remember". Kind of.
It's a lot like sonar, this "memory"...but even without an absolute picture in my mind, I know it's Truth.
I remember what Laura's dad did to me in her parents' bedroom.
I was on my usual weekend long walk, separating out my self from my ego like in Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" (going to have to get into that and my specific learning from it at another time). Also, interactions with my dual heavily affected my ability to finally see this, to connect the dots.
But focusing on my walk in that way for the first time opened the door...
When I was in their room with Laura's dad, I think he made me look at him. Yeah, like that. Right there. And he was most likely hard.
I...don't know if I have an actual memory, or something in-between. But I do have a vague inkling of the scene. I think I obviously didn't want to look--I knew it was wrong and I'm a values person. I'm stubborn--I don't like to compromise them. When I do, I feel extreme guilt. There has to be a really good reason for me to compromise one, something I'm not willing to give up or something I REALLY want. Such as Kami on the night of the 16th when she told me her taboo, and I let a piece of me die to stay with her.
Or more recently last night with my dual, Ryu. (We'll get into the things about him another time; nothing had to die inside me last night, though.)
And I think the root of that intensely strong (over)reaction is this. (It's why I've always blamed myself for what happened at Laura's house, blamed myself and felt extreme guilt, felt so sorry for Laura's mother. Because I thought it meant that he loved me more than her, because doing that with me came after they were married and had had children. My extreme feelings of guilt for even living...because I failed to live up to my values, I failed to not be a burden. I...just could only fail at everything.)
I think I kept my eyes closed (or covered them with my hands, either way) in their room, but because he was the adult and I was the child I believed him when he said I could only leave after I looked. And I fought with myself, wanting to be gone from there so badly but not wanting to compromise my values. And eventually...I caved. I looked, I got to leave, my little sister (from the hallway) heard him tell me on the way out the door "Now remember Jenny, this is our secret. Don't tell anyone."
I already know Laura's dad would bargain with us. My little sister remembers him saying in the TV room that, if he got to pick us up one more time, he'd let us watch TV in there all by ourselves for the rest of the day. This was at the same time as when he did that to me, picking me up from behind and feeling up my chest. I don't know if his doing it to me was in response to his bargain (to protect my sister) or if it was simply an unrelated pick-up. It doesn't much matter, either way--he had a history of using bargaining, so this in his room makes so much sense.
...this all...just kind of meshed on my walk. It's the reason I used to hate when my father would dress only in a bathrobe at his computer and I'd have to go down there to ask him something for my mom. Being a guy, it's not like he bothered to shut his legs and he wouldn't be wearing underwear. I always assumed my discomfort was because it's just not right to have to see your dad's male anatomy...but the truth is, when I'd be unable to avoid catching glimpses of it...there was always the feeling of "comparison". Because obviously my dad wouldn't be hard, and Laura's dad was. If I'd never seen any other man's anatomy but my dad's, there wouldn't have been anything to compare. I couldn't stop my subconscious mind from making the comparison, even though I blocked away everything about Laura's parents' room.
When I was with Frank and we had sex, I never liked to look at HIS male anatomy--it always made me uncomfortable. I never even liked it when he'd be dressing after a shower and I got a look. And we were together for over 3 years, but I never got used to it...
The first time I ever went truly insane, it was because of this. http://susumi.livejournal.com/140603.html#cutid1 I never questioned why misunderstanding the interpretation of P-ness not once, but twice, would bring me to insanity. I simply...couldn't handle thinking of the word like Tara naturally did--I came up with an absurd in-between interpretation in a last-ditch effort to protect my mind. Now I know why realizing that fact drove me temporarily insane.
I'm fine with vibrators for myself, but focusing too much on even them under someone else's control makes me "shut down". Or male anatomy itself, pointed discussions about that in fantasy settings shuts me down--I found out both of these things recently with Ryu.
On the surface level of beauty, I only like Gackt-femme style guys. Guys so pretty that they look like girls. If they look like girls and I'm blocking perception of their male anatomy, they are safe to me. And girls and girls' anatomy doesn't bother me in the slightest--I'm bi, and it ought to be the same across both genders. But it's not the same standard for me.
And, for example, as I've trusted Ryu more and more he's gotten more attractive to me. I know that can happen with anyone, but I really think my comfort level with him has a huge factor in the fact that I now find him attractive despite him not being at all girly.
I cannot stand it when a guy tents his pants and I have to see it. It makes me feel icky.
It's probably why I like shounen-ai/yaoi manga so much, and dislike hentai. Depictions of man-on-man sex in shounen-ai/yaoi tend to be more subtle, or if they aren't...since it's two males there (as opposed to a female figure aka me) it doesn't negatively affect me because I don't relate to participating in male gay sex. It's not like I'm a lesbian after all, but I just can't handle something that's easier for me to personify as myself. I don't get that so much with yaoi. But then my favorite pairings are dual-ukes, aka two femme guys. I never like two masculine guys (like the "FAKE" anime/manga) because there's too much testosterone there to threaten me. Same with the topic with Ryu of mfm threesomes, and how I don't like that but could at least entertain mff with me as the focal point. I couldn't stand the power imbalance of a mfm one involving me...it'd feel like a violation because of too much male anatomy there.
All the evidence keeps mounting up and up...and a part of me is relieved, to be honest. Because, while I don't know for sure this is all that happened in her parents' bedroom, I never got the sense that he'd raped me. So if this is all that happened...it's not so bad, really. It's not nearly as bad as it could have been, and I can live with this. I can get over this. I can heal my pain-body ("A New Earth" concept) that contains the fallout from this.
I can heal...and I can move on. And I'm glad I finally know...but I could still do without actually vividly remembering. I hope it doesn't come to that...
I remember what Laura's dad did to me in her parents' bedroom.
I was on my usual weekend long walk, separating out my self from my ego like in Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" (going to have to get into that and my specific learning from it at another time). Also, interactions with my dual heavily affected my ability to finally see this, to connect the dots.
But focusing on my walk in that way for the first time opened the door...
When I was in their room with Laura's dad, I think he made me look at him. Yeah, like that. Right there. And he was most likely hard.
I...don't know if I have an actual memory, or something in-between. But I do have a vague inkling of the scene. I think I obviously didn't want to look--I knew it was wrong and I'm a values person. I'm stubborn--I don't like to compromise them. When I do, I feel extreme guilt. There has to be a really good reason for me to compromise one, something I'm not willing to give up or something I REALLY want. Such as Kami on the night of the 16th when she told me her taboo, and I let a piece of me die to stay with her.
Or more recently last night with my dual, Ryu. (We'll get into the things about him another time; nothing had to die inside me last night, though.)
And I think the root of that intensely strong (over)reaction is this. (It's why I've always blamed myself for what happened at Laura's house, blamed myself and felt extreme guilt, felt so sorry for Laura's mother. Because I thought it meant that he loved me more than her, because doing that with me came after they were married and had had children. My extreme feelings of guilt for even living...because I failed to live up to my values, I failed to not be a burden. I...just could only fail at everything.)
I think I kept my eyes closed (or covered them with my hands, either way) in their room, but because he was the adult and I was the child I believed him when he said I could only leave after I looked. And I fought with myself, wanting to be gone from there so badly but not wanting to compromise my values. And eventually...I caved. I looked, I got to leave, my little sister (from the hallway) heard him tell me on the way out the door "Now remember Jenny, this is our secret. Don't tell anyone."
I already know Laura's dad would bargain with us. My little sister remembers him saying in the TV room that, if he got to pick us up one more time, he'd let us watch TV in there all by ourselves for the rest of the day. This was at the same time as when he did that to me, picking me up from behind and feeling up my chest. I don't know if his doing it to me was in response to his bargain (to protect my sister) or if it was simply an unrelated pick-up. It doesn't much matter, either way--he had a history of using bargaining, so this in his room makes so much sense.
...this all...just kind of meshed on my walk. It's the reason I used to hate when my father would dress only in a bathrobe at his computer and I'd have to go down there to ask him something for my mom. Being a guy, it's not like he bothered to shut his legs and he wouldn't be wearing underwear. I always assumed my discomfort was because it's just not right to have to see your dad's male anatomy...but the truth is, when I'd be unable to avoid catching glimpses of it...there was always the feeling of "comparison". Because obviously my dad wouldn't be hard, and Laura's dad was. If I'd never seen any other man's anatomy but my dad's, there wouldn't have been anything to compare. I couldn't stop my subconscious mind from making the comparison, even though I blocked away everything about Laura's parents' room.
When I was with Frank and we had sex, I never liked to look at HIS male anatomy--it always made me uncomfortable. I never even liked it when he'd be dressing after a shower and I got a look. And we were together for over 3 years, but I never got used to it...
The first time I ever went truly insane, it was because of this. http://susumi.livejournal.com/140603.html#cutid1 I never questioned why misunderstanding the interpretation of P-ness not once, but twice, would bring me to insanity. I simply...couldn't handle thinking of the word like Tara naturally did--I came up with an absurd in-between interpretation in a last-ditch effort to protect my mind. Now I know why realizing that fact drove me temporarily insane.
I'm fine with vibrators for myself, but focusing too much on even them under someone else's control makes me "shut down". Or male anatomy itself, pointed discussions about that in fantasy settings shuts me down--I found out both of these things recently with Ryu.
On the surface level of beauty, I only like Gackt-femme style guys. Guys so pretty that they look like girls. If they look like girls and I'm blocking perception of their male anatomy, they are safe to me. And girls and girls' anatomy doesn't bother me in the slightest--I'm bi, and it ought to be the same across both genders. But it's not the same standard for me.
And, for example, as I've trusted Ryu more and more he's gotten more attractive to me. I know that can happen with anyone, but I really think my comfort level with him has a huge factor in the fact that I now find him attractive despite him not being at all girly.
I cannot stand it when a guy tents his pants and I have to see it. It makes me feel icky.
It's probably why I like shounen-ai/yaoi manga so much, and dislike hentai. Depictions of man-on-man sex in shounen-ai/yaoi tend to be more subtle, or if they aren't...since it's two males there (as opposed to a female figure aka me) it doesn't negatively affect me because I don't relate to participating in male gay sex. It's not like I'm a lesbian after all, but I just can't handle something that's easier for me to personify as myself. I don't get that so much with yaoi. But then my favorite pairings are dual-ukes, aka two femme guys. I never like two masculine guys (like the "FAKE" anime/manga) because there's too much testosterone there to threaten me. Same with the topic with Ryu of mfm threesomes, and how I don't like that but could at least entertain mff with me as the focal point. I couldn't stand the power imbalance of a mfm one involving me...it'd feel like a violation because of too much male anatomy there.
All the evidence keeps mounting up and up...and a part of me is relieved, to be honest. Because, while I don't know for sure this is all that happened in her parents' bedroom, I never got the sense that he'd raped me. So if this is all that happened...it's not so bad, really. It's not nearly as bad as it could have been, and I can live with this. I can get over this. I can heal my pain-body ("A New Earth" concept) that contains the fallout from this.
I can heal...and I can move on. And I'm glad I finally know...but I could still do without actually vividly remembering. I hope it doesn't come to that...