(no subject)
the patterns i make and follow in life sicken me
i let everyone fall away
always.
and the one i regret most.. eric.
it's a shame how you don't realize how good things were, or the feelings you had for another person until things are completely and utterly different...
i remember comming home every day just hoping he was there to talk to, to make me laugh.
he made ma laugh so much, i enjoyed his company... even though it was simply through a screen.
yes, i fucking cared about him.. as a friend i thought.
so why did i deny it to myself?
i was afriad
i was afraid because he lived so far away... afriad to let it go a little further.. and then i fucked up.
me.
i started a relationship closer to home, closer to my comfort zone..
the distance.
i was scared and, obviously, that decision created a schism.
maybe he did care about me more than a friend..
but i suppose never talking about the future or anything.. i wasn't sure how real it was
maybe i'm just kidding myself.. maybe there was nothing there at all.
maybe he was the one for me.. and i've lost it
and now.. it seems to late..
i had to give him up because Greg was jealous.
i didn't want to.. i wish i could just let him know that i didn't mean for that to happen
that i DID fucking care.
and it was a big mistake to let my boyfriend tell me i couldn't be that good firends with him..
probabaly because he saw what i didn't
what i failed to see.
the fact that someone made me happy just being themselves.
and now it's too late.. it seems i will never get that back.
i love how i fucking ruin... everything.
i wish he would give me another chance.. but it's like i don't even feel like myself anymore
around him... or around anyone
i feel like nothing
because i am nothing
god dammit
i hate what i was and i hate what i've become
utterly oblivious to all
anything and everything
look ahead suzanna, look ahead.
i let everyone fall away
always.
and the one i regret most.. eric.
it's a shame how you don't realize how good things were, or the feelings you had for another person until things are completely and utterly different...
i remember comming home every day just hoping he was there to talk to, to make me laugh.
he made ma laugh so much, i enjoyed his company... even though it was simply through a screen.
yes, i fucking cared about him.. as a friend i thought.
so why did i deny it to myself?
i was afriad
i was afraid because he lived so far away... afriad to let it go a little further.. and then i fucked up.
me.
i started a relationship closer to home, closer to my comfort zone..
the distance.
i was scared and, obviously, that decision created a schism.
maybe he did care about me more than a friend..
but i suppose never talking about the future or anything.. i wasn't sure how real it was
maybe i'm just kidding myself.. maybe there was nothing there at all.
maybe he was the one for me.. and i've lost it
and now.. it seems to late..
i had to give him up because Greg was jealous.
i didn't want to.. i wish i could just let him know that i didn't mean for that to happen
that i DID fucking care.
and it was a big mistake to let my boyfriend tell me i couldn't be that good firends with him..
probabaly because he saw what i didn't
what i failed to see.
the fact that someone made me happy just being themselves.
and now it's too late.. it seems i will never get that back.
i love how i fucking ruin... everything.
i wish he would give me another chance.. but it's like i don't even feel like myself anymore
around him... or around anyone
i feel like nothing
because i am nothing
god dammit
i hate what i was and i hate what i've become
utterly oblivious to all
anything and everything
look ahead suzanna, look ahead.