Late into the night
Complete disatisfaction, is what describes my mood at this second. In fact, I have been feeling this way for quite some time now. Although I've been writing about satisfaction, or the lack there of, for some time now, I seem to have discovered a new meaning to the concept of being unsatisfied. Before I was unsatisfied in a very depressing, pessimistic way... nowadays, I like to think it's a lot different. I used to be unsatisfied because of events that I would describe as being external. Today I'm suffering from internal disatisfaction.
For one, I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to let go. I can't seem to shake that feeling... the one that I get whenever I see him. It's such an irrational feeling that I can't explain. And it's been so long, I don't understand why it still lingers. From a very one-dimensional perspective, everything seems to point to the fact that I don't do it for him the way that he does it for me. If this is the case, it's time for me to move on, because I know, and anyone who is reading this probably knows, that I have I have wasted too much time on this. On him. The problem seems to be that I can't actually convince myself that he doesn't like me. So this leads me to the conclusions that 1. I am way too self-involved and have to skew everything so that it seems like he likes me and 2. he isn't actually helping me move on... and whether intentionally or unintentionally, he is leading me on.
Now I don't mean that he is leading me on in the traditional sense... he is leading me on because he won't put a difinitive end on this either. A difinitive end, that is all I want. I really don't think that that is unreasonable, but I'm probably wrong.
Another area where these feelings of discontent seem to be as bountiful as cacti in the desert would be school. I have been pretty much going non-stop now for over a week and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm not a good student, in a traditional sense... The only reason why I may appear to be a good student is because I think I have unrealistic expectations of myself and what I can achieve. I say unrealistic because I always seem to fall short. There is never enough time, or I don't put enough effort into things. I'm studying and it's not doing me any good. It's just so hard to go 110% at something that you don't believe in. I think my classes are such bullshit. Most of these midterms that I have been taking only test one's ability to read and retain text word for word as writen in the book. I have a hard time talking myself into studying for these types of tests because I don't do well on them and because I don't learn anything from it. The only thing that I have learned in my testing experiances here at the U of A is that I'm really bad at taking multiple choice tests and that I think too much.
Apparently being a student is not about understanding or questioning the information that is being fed to us. It seems like now, if you want to be a good student, you just take everything as truths, without questioning anything, because if you question something, you'll get it wrong on the test for sure. I need classes that challenge me to think and to be more creative or innovative. Instead, I'm sitting at my table thinking of ways to fix this messed up system that we call "Education".
First of all, the way I'm being taught accounting is all wrong and counter-productive. I'm sitting here trying to memorize a formula of how to attack certain problems just so that I can get them right on the exam. I don't understand the context, I don't understand what is actually going on when I am doing this so called "accounting". I propose that accounting should be taught in more of a similation type method. Where students become accountants for a semester, learning accounting principles and applying them to a make believe company. This way, you would actually get the big picture about what the hell was going on, and you would probably retain the information.
The business school is all backwards. So you go through two years of general education courses to be finally admitted into the professional phase of the program. So, two years have gone by, and you essentially have taken not a single course related to your major. How the fuck are you supposed to know whether or not your in the right major? Well, I guess you don't know until you finish you first semester of your junior year. Oh wait, did you want to graduate on time? I guess your stuck in this college if thats the case because good luck trying to complete another major in another college in a year and a half.
And I'm not even going to mention my business communications class. It's like english 101 and 102 all over again, except this time you have to write a proposal with four other people who don't give a shit about what they are doing in college. Oh, and you have to take this writing test so that you can graduate. Who told you that you didn't have to take a mid-career writing assessment if you got a B or better in english 102? Well, apparently, you do, and its worth about 150 points, so good luck.
For one, I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to let go. I can't seem to shake that feeling... the one that I get whenever I see him. It's such an irrational feeling that I can't explain. And it's been so long, I don't understand why it still lingers. From a very one-dimensional perspective, everything seems to point to the fact that I don't do it for him the way that he does it for me. If this is the case, it's time for me to move on, because I know, and anyone who is reading this probably knows, that I have I have wasted too much time on this. On him. The problem seems to be that I can't actually convince myself that he doesn't like me. So this leads me to the conclusions that 1. I am way too self-involved and have to skew everything so that it seems like he likes me and 2. he isn't actually helping me move on... and whether intentionally or unintentionally, he is leading me on.
Now I don't mean that he is leading me on in the traditional sense... he is leading me on because he won't put a difinitive end on this either. A difinitive end, that is all I want. I really don't think that that is unreasonable, but I'm probably wrong.
Another area where these feelings of discontent seem to be as bountiful as cacti in the desert would be school. I have been pretty much going non-stop now for over a week and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm not a good student, in a traditional sense... The only reason why I may appear to be a good student is because I think I have unrealistic expectations of myself and what I can achieve. I say unrealistic because I always seem to fall short. There is never enough time, or I don't put enough effort into things. I'm studying and it's not doing me any good. It's just so hard to go 110% at something that you don't believe in. I think my classes are such bullshit. Most of these midterms that I have been taking only test one's ability to read and retain text word for word as writen in the book. I have a hard time talking myself into studying for these types of tests because I don't do well on them and because I don't learn anything from it. The only thing that I have learned in my testing experiances here at the U of A is that I'm really bad at taking multiple choice tests and that I think too much.
Apparently being a student is not about understanding or questioning the information that is being fed to us. It seems like now, if you want to be a good student, you just take everything as truths, without questioning anything, because if you question something, you'll get it wrong on the test for sure. I need classes that challenge me to think and to be more creative or innovative. Instead, I'm sitting at my table thinking of ways to fix this messed up system that we call "Education".
First of all, the way I'm being taught accounting is all wrong and counter-productive. I'm sitting here trying to memorize a formula of how to attack certain problems just so that I can get them right on the exam. I don't understand the context, I don't understand what is actually going on when I am doing this so called "accounting". I propose that accounting should be taught in more of a similation type method. Where students become accountants for a semester, learning accounting principles and applying them to a make believe company. This way, you would actually get the big picture about what the hell was going on, and you would probably retain the information.
The business school is all backwards. So you go through two years of general education courses to be finally admitted into the professional phase of the program. So, two years have gone by, and you essentially have taken not a single course related to your major. How the fuck are you supposed to know whether or not your in the right major? Well, I guess you don't know until you finish you first semester of your junior year. Oh wait, did you want to graduate on time? I guess your stuck in this college if thats the case because good luck trying to complete another major in another college in a year and a half.
And I'm not even going to mention my business communications class. It's like english 101 and 102 all over again, except this time you have to write a proposal with four other people who don't give a shit about what they are doing in college. Oh, and you have to take this writing test so that you can graduate. Who told you that you didn't have to take a mid-career writing assessment if you got a B or better in english 102? Well, apparently, you do, and its worth about 150 points, so good luck.