Life is so fucked up.
Today is one of those days where I am just in a really contemplative mood...I keep thinking about stuff. I am so sick of life, of the world being unfair, of guys being jerks, of school sucking, just of EVERYTHING.
I really want to make a difference with whatever I do in life, but I feel like there is no way I can. Even if I DO do something meaningful, how much is it going to change anything? So I make a wave. That's it. I wish so much that things could change. Why does everything have to be so hard? NOTHING is easy, and there is so much pain and hatred and racism and bias in the world. Crooked cops, tough shit in the ghetto...Then there is another kind of pain in the upper middle class community, where I come from.
We all smile and put on our happy faces when underneath there is such a POINTLESSNESS to everything. We don't do anything to make a difference and we just go to our middle class jobs and have our middle class families and everything is so fucked up. I can never live that life again. People go to church and smile and say everything is fine. They teach Sunday School and they come home and don't have time to give a shit about what their daughter is doing. They don't care that she's hurting and that she has doubts and questions and needs help, and when she asks for help they act all surprised, like, "Why aren't you content to pretend like the rest of us?"
Because I CAN'T anymore. I can't go along with all the bullshit and pretend like my life is fine and I don't want to just die to escape everything.
I am so sick of relationships. People are so complicated and so confusing. I think I know how I feel about someone, then everything changes and suddenly I don't know anymore. I should be over this whole situation, but every time he tells me he hates me or acts like this whole thing is my fault, I get so torn up. How can everything change in a matter of a few hours? How can you be one way and then be a completely different person the next day? And WHY do I have to be so goddamn sensitive about everything? Why can't I be more like other people who can just move on instead of brooding over everything and crying about it and wishing so desperately that I could change things when I CAN'T? I can't change anything.
Ugh, this entry is so bitter...but I just had to vent, to say something because I feel like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I desperately need a change of scenery. And this is probably going to sound so stupid, especially to my close friends who know me, but I really want to move to the inner city...I want to experience that hardship and help someone, help try to make a difference. I really think that might be what I want to do with my life, but then I start to question it. Am I just being crazy, or is this something that God has really laid on my heart? Is this what I am supposed to be wanting, or am I just longing for something that can't ever happen? I just wish so much I could fast forward ten years and see how my life is supposed to be developing...because right now, I have no idea.
I have come to the conclusion that I need a break from Spring Arbor. Desperately. And I need a break from myself, which I will never get. I hate my life, at least on nights like these.
I really want to make a difference with whatever I do in life, but I feel like there is no way I can. Even if I DO do something meaningful, how much is it going to change anything? So I make a wave. That's it. I wish so much that things could change. Why does everything have to be so hard? NOTHING is easy, and there is so much pain and hatred and racism and bias in the world. Crooked cops, tough shit in the ghetto...Then there is another kind of pain in the upper middle class community, where I come from.
We all smile and put on our happy faces when underneath there is such a POINTLESSNESS to everything. We don't do anything to make a difference and we just go to our middle class jobs and have our middle class families and everything is so fucked up. I can never live that life again. People go to church and smile and say everything is fine. They teach Sunday School and they come home and don't have time to give a shit about what their daughter is doing. They don't care that she's hurting and that she has doubts and questions and needs help, and when she asks for help they act all surprised, like, "Why aren't you content to pretend like the rest of us?"
Because I CAN'T anymore. I can't go along with all the bullshit and pretend like my life is fine and I don't want to just die to escape everything.
I am so sick of relationships. People are so complicated and so confusing. I think I know how I feel about someone, then everything changes and suddenly I don't know anymore. I should be over this whole situation, but every time he tells me he hates me or acts like this whole thing is my fault, I get so torn up. How can everything change in a matter of a few hours? How can you be one way and then be a completely different person the next day? And WHY do I have to be so goddamn sensitive about everything? Why can't I be more like other people who can just move on instead of brooding over everything and crying about it and wishing so desperately that I could change things when I CAN'T? I can't change anything.
Ugh, this entry is so bitter...but I just had to vent, to say something because I feel like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I desperately need a change of scenery. And this is probably going to sound so stupid, especially to my close friends who know me, but I really want to move to the inner city...I want to experience that hardship and help someone, help try to make a difference. I really think that might be what I want to do with my life, but then I start to question it. Am I just being crazy, or is this something that God has really laid on my heart? Is this what I am supposed to be wanting, or am I just longing for something that can't ever happen? I just wish so much I could fast forward ten years and see how my life is supposed to be developing...because right now, I have no idea.
I have come to the conclusion that I need a break from Spring Arbor. Desperately. And I need a break from myself, which I will never get. I hate my life, at least on nights like these.