fiction
my landlord decided to cash my last two months' rent checks AT THE SAME TIME and suddenly i'm missing 1300 dollars. not a good feeling.
i don't think i spend beyond my means but i definitely don't save as much as i should. i stopped cooking in the fall because my kitchen counter was littered with garbage and beer bottles. now it's all clean so i should go food shopping.
dinner with the parents again tonight. this time one of those sashimi places where you pay 50-80 bucks and they bring you loads and loads of food. mostly seafood and fish. then a platter of sashimi and some sushi. there's a place on springfield right by the l.i.e. that is awesome. i forget the name of the place but it's right on the corner.
my mom didn't look as old as last week cause she dyed most of her gray hairs between last tuesday and this tuesday. my father's mumbling didn't sound as incoherent. i think my mind wasn't functioning well last week. i think my brain was processing information strangely.
how much of what we experience do we experience as fiction? i mean, what's happening is happening and is reality. but there's that gap between what's happening and how we understand what's happening. i saw my parents last week and felt like they were getting older and in my head, my feeling that they were getting older and more helpless reinforced those traits in them. i convinced myself that what may just have been a fictional image of my parents in my head was true and factual.
i think most relationships and friendships are built upon this kind of fiction. it may be a fiction that's shared to a certain degree but in terms of what's going on in the mind at each end of a relationship, there's a whole world of thought that the other doesn't know and can't know. a relationship / friendship is like two concentric circles with a shared middle. the unshared part of the circle might be the "fiction," the world of thought not expressed. something about the unshared part of the circles is essential to the relationship, however. if you and i are in a relationship (this includes friendships), the unshared part of my circle is the world i have built around who you are and who i think you are and why i want you as my friend. the unshared part of my circle might include what i THINK we share. the unshared part of my circle may not be how YOU view yourself or who you think you are intrinsically. and when you act against the unshared circle of my mind, these fictions that make up who i believe you are, it's then that i'm disappointed or our relationship ends. does this make sense? tell me if this makes sense to you.
i reread it and it makes sense to me. but that's what's wrong with a lot of what i write. it makes sense in my head but not out loud.
this girl in my class once said something and we told her we didn't understand what she meant or how it fit into the conversation. she then apologized and told us it wasn't meant to be said aloud, that it went with some other train of thought that was going on in her head. i totally understood her.
tae wrote me back and said it didn't seem like too much time passed since we last wrote to each other. (it was 2 1/2 years ago that we last wrote to each other.) again, the fiction. in my head it's been forever. but then again, my perspective includes guilt and lots of changes in my life. tae's life pace is totally different from mine in that it's pretty routine without much exposure to anything beyond his immediate environment. to me, we kinda drifted. to him, i just might not have written for a while.
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let's make this longer and see if anyone reads the entire thing. let's see if anyone comments. :)
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i'm a ghost in my town and this makes me feel at home here. standing in line at the cvs with my canned soups and cereal, sitting with my large cup of coffee in the corner of the cafe, the click of my heels at five am waking up the sidewalk; i exist like each click, like a single, solid sound, whole and present but able to be missed if you're not listening, subtle enough to blend into rustling leaves and garbage bags. and i cherish this invisibility, this chance i get to not speak but take in. as a waitress, within the walls of work, i'm all speech and not enough taking in. i'm an exclamation point and in your face, smiling.
and then there's those rare moments when in the rush of life, amidst the speeding by of cars and people and music, i feel the world slow down and i become that click again, solid and whole, like a merging of my ghost self that listens and the smiling self that performs. i squeeze myself into those moments, when i give and take, freely and equally. these moments are usually shared with a friend, one on one. something shared in that concentric circle. something concentrated and quiet. i want more of these.
i don't think i spend beyond my means but i definitely don't save as much as i should. i stopped cooking in the fall because my kitchen counter was littered with garbage and beer bottles. now it's all clean so i should go food shopping.
dinner with the parents again tonight. this time one of those sashimi places where you pay 50-80 bucks and they bring you loads and loads of food. mostly seafood and fish. then a platter of sashimi and some sushi. there's a place on springfield right by the l.i.e. that is awesome. i forget the name of the place but it's right on the corner.
my mom didn't look as old as last week cause she dyed most of her gray hairs between last tuesday and this tuesday. my father's mumbling didn't sound as incoherent. i think my mind wasn't functioning well last week. i think my brain was processing information strangely.
how much of what we experience do we experience as fiction? i mean, what's happening is happening and is reality. but there's that gap between what's happening and how we understand what's happening. i saw my parents last week and felt like they were getting older and in my head, my feeling that they were getting older and more helpless reinforced those traits in them. i convinced myself that what may just have been a fictional image of my parents in my head was true and factual.
i think most relationships and friendships are built upon this kind of fiction. it may be a fiction that's shared to a certain degree but in terms of what's going on in the mind at each end of a relationship, there's a whole world of thought that the other doesn't know and can't know. a relationship / friendship is like two concentric circles with a shared middle. the unshared part of the circle might be the "fiction," the world of thought not expressed. something about the unshared part of the circles is essential to the relationship, however. if you and i are in a relationship (this includes friendships), the unshared part of my circle is the world i have built around who you are and who i think you are and why i want you as my friend. the unshared part of my circle might include what i THINK we share. the unshared part of my circle may not be how YOU view yourself or who you think you are intrinsically. and when you act against the unshared circle of my mind, these fictions that make up who i believe you are, it's then that i'm disappointed or our relationship ends. does this make sense? tell me if this makes sense to you.
i reread it and it makes sense to me. but that's what's wrong with a lot of what i write. it makes sense in my head but not out loud.
this girl in my class once said something and we told her we didn't understand what she meant or how it fit into the conversation. she then apologized and told us it wasn't meant to be said aloud, that it went with some other train of thought that was going on in her head. i totally understood her.
tae wrote me back and said it didn't seem like too much time passed since we last wrote to each other. (it was 2 1/2 years ago that we last wrote to each other.) again, the fiction. in my head it's been forever. but then again, my perspective includes guilt and lots of changes in my life. tae's life pace is totally different from mine in that it's pretty routine without much exposure to anything beyond his immediate environment. to me, we kinda drifted. to him, i just might not have written for a while.
-
let's make this longer and see if anyone reads the entire thing. let's see if anyone comments. :)
-
i'm a ghost in my town and this makes me feel at home here. standing in line at the cvs with my canned soups and cereal, sitting with my large cup of coffee in the corner of the cafe, the click of my heels at five am waking up the sidewalk; i exist like each click, like a single, solid sound, whole and present but able to be missed if you're not listening, subtle enough to blend into rustling leaves and garbage bags. and i cherish this invisibility, this chance i get to not speak but take in. as a waitress, within the walls of work, i'm all speech and not enough taking in. i'm an exclamation point and in your face, smiling.
and then there's those rare moments when in the rush of life, amidst the speeding by of cars and people and music, i feel the world slow down and i become that click again, solid and whole, like a merging of my ghost self that listens and the smiling self that performs. i squeeze myself into those moments, when i give and take, freely and equally. these moments are usually shared with a friend, one on one. something shared in that concentric circle. something concentrated and quiet. i want more of these.