Simply Resolute
I’m going to put myself on somewhat of a limb here and risk future ridicule, but being so far away from home, I wanted to feel closer to you back in the States by opening my chastity-belt life up for just a few minutes and display my 2004 New Year’s resolutions for all to see.
First, let’s quickly run through the standards:
- I resolve to join a gym, eat less carbohydrates, and lose 15 pounds
- I resolve to create a budget and not spend money carelessly
- I resolve to volunteer more of my time helping others in need.
Whew! Now that that’s out of the way, here are the ones I think I can actually accomplish:
- I resolve not to throw dense and heavy objects at Mormon missionaries when I see them walking down the street in groups. It is simply not the Christian thing to do. Instead, I will merely hurl insults and grope them in a blatantly homosexual manner in order to make them feel uncomfortable.
- I resolve not to giggle and point hysterically when walking in a group out at night whenever I see penis-shaped shadows on the pavement.
- I resolve not to dance in the courtyard unless I am fully clothed.
- I resolve not to dry-hump my stuffed panda bear at night when I get lonely. I will now only do it after dinner.
- I resolve not to get turned on when watching Sesame Street. However, there is nothing I can do about my strange fascination with Donald Rumsfeld. Please help me.
- I resolve to wear underwear.
- I resolve not to make sock puppets of the Golden Girls and re-enact my favorite episodes when I’m riding the subway. While acceptable in the States, this kind of behavior is embarrassing in Shanghai, and shames my family.
- I resolve not to laugh out loud and when people walking in front of me stumble or trip, even when I push them.
- I resolve not to put flowers in my hair anymore, even though I look very pretty. It’s important not to be so superficial these days.
- I resolve to use less extraneous, superfluous, unnecessary, redundant adjectives in my writing.
- I resolve to use Q-tips. Use your imagination.
The new year seems oddly like the previous year, what with progress in achieving humanity’s full potential still as tedious as ever. Maybe we can do better now that we have one extra day. Here's hoping.
Happy New Year Everybody!
First, let’s quickly run through the standards:
- I resolve to join a gym, eat less carbohydrates, and lose 15 pounds
- I resolve to create a budget and not spend money carelessly
- I resolve to volunteer more of my time helping others in need.
Whew! Now that that’s out of the way, here are the ones I think I can actually accomplish:
- I resolve not to throw dense and heavy objects at Mormon missionaries when I see them walking down the street in groups. It is simply not the Christian thing to do. Instead, I will merely hurl insults and grope them in a blatantly homosexual manner in order to make them feel uncomfortable.
- I resolve not to giggle and point hysterically when walking in a group out at night whenever I see penis-shaped shadows on the pavement.
- I resolve not to dance in the courtyard unless I am fully clothed.
- I resolve not to dry-hump my stuffed panda bear at night when I get lonely. I will now only do it after dinner.
- I resolve not to get turned on when watching Sesame Street. However, there is nothing I can do about my strange fascination with Donald Rumsfeld. Please help me.
- I resolve to wear underwear.
- I resolve not to make sock puppets of the Golden Girls and re-enact my favorite episodes when I’m riding the subway. While acceptable in the States, this kind of behavior is embarrassing in Shanghai, and shames my family.
- I resolve not to laugh out loud and when people walking in front of me stumble or trip, even when I push them.
- I resolve not to put flowers in my hair anymore, even though I look very pretty. It’s important not to be so superficial these days.
- I resolve to use less extraneous, superfluous, unnecessary, redundant adjectives in my writing.
- I resolve to use Q-tips. Use your imagination.
The new year seems oddly like the previous year, what with progress in achieving humanity’s full potential still as tedious as ever. Maybe we can do better now that we have one extra day. Here's hoping.
Happy New Year Everybody!