Come listen to the thoughts of a girl learning love....
I sit here and look into my heart. What is this feeling im feeling? Its a mixture between inexpressable joy and also a kind of ache that is there. Where does it come from?
I can say ive seen more than i thought i ever would. Ive walked in places where white people never go,and held in my arms the kids you see in the national geographic and on world vision ads for starving children. and it has changed me. and it left in me an ache i cant seem to get away from.
I know what it is. its the relization i will never go back to who i was and will never be the same.
its the pain of growing up.
life is no longer a simple thing filled with my own drama, my car, my life, my job, my problems. theres so much more.
god i want you to change me.
I feel so alive, and yet its a life that comes from sacrafice. thats where the peace and joy come. is it truly possible to lay down everything and have your emotions and your heart cry against it, and yet know beyond anything that its the right thing.
one of my friends said something that fits exactly¨...
I have to kill that little girl in me...
before she consumes me.
and i guess it seems right. because with death comes pain, all death is accompanied by pain of some sort. and i wish i could run away and its a fight to keep myself from running from the pain of it all.
and yet i know she must die. i dont want to live with that little girl anymore.
because ive seen so much more, and i know i cant ignore what the world is.
i refuse to live in a world created by my hands and my imaginations.
but it means laying it all down. it means taking all my treasures and pouring them on the ground at the feet of christ.
to be broken, in pieces, for Him alone.
its when you will and your emotions fall to the ground because theres a cry thats deeper in your heart for HIM. and yur emotions protest, but you dont care. its like you walk forward chasing the call of something you cant see, but you know is there, and your crying all the way, part of you holding you back, part of you demanding yourself to move forward, and refusing to let the other hold you back.
I will go on even if it means i cry every day for years to come. because i will not ever go back.
What does it mean to love...
funny, the little girl has to learn this too, and she is crying against this too.
for the first itme in my life, i see that to love soemone isnt easy. it isnt "fun" it isnt romantic adn doesnt work out like the movies.
tears of love hurt deeper than anything else.
this week god took away another part of the little girl in me, putting her farther from who i am becoming.
what does it mean to love?
it means i say " i want to see you in Gods hands more than i want to have you close to me." it means i tell the one person i adore that i let him go and i wont chase after him.
it means i say Im sorry.
I let him go this week.
and the little girl has been crying inside since that day.
but i knew i had to.
because...
well, im afrad to say it because I am beginning to see what it really means.....
and i know i have to count the cost....
and i only wnat what HE has for me. im tired of trying to plan and trying to make things work.
but it hurts.
a while back i said i never knew it would hurt this much to grow up, but now i realize something else....
it hurts even more than it did before.
its like when Estace in the Chronicles of narnia was turned to a dragon and Aslan had to pull off the dragon skin before he was restored.
God, pull it all away, til im left naked and exposed completely. i dont want this dragon to be part of me anymore, but i need you to take it off for me. Kill the little girl and change me into who I really am.... so i can love like you, so i can live like you, so i can be like you....
this is my battle....
I can say ive seen more than i thought i ever would. Ive walked in places where white people never go,and held in my arms the kids you see in the national geographic and on world vision ads for starving children. and it has changed me. and it left in me an ache i cant seem to get away from.
I know what it is. its the relization i will never go back to who i was and will never be the same.
its the pain of growing up.
life is no longer a simple thing filled with my own drama, my car, my life, my job, my problems. theres so much more.
god i want you to change me.
I feel so alive, and yet its a life that comes from sacrafice. thats where the peace and joy come. is it truly possible to lay down everything and have your emotions and your heart cry against it, and yet know beyond anything that its the right thing.
one of my friends said something that fits exactly¨...
I have to kill that little girl in me...
before she consumes me.
and i guess it seems right. because with death comes pain, all death is accompanied by pain of some sort. and i wish i could run away and its a fight to keep myself from running from the pain of it all.
and yet i know she must die. i dont want to live with that little girl anymore.
because ive seen so much more, and i know i cant ignore what the world is.
i refuse to live in a world created by my hands and my imaginations.
but it means laying it all down. it means taking all my treasures and pouring them on the ground at the feet of christ.
to be broken, in pieces, for Him alone.
its when you will and your emotions fall to the ground because theres a cry thats deeper in your heart for HIM. and yur emotions protest, but you dont care. its like you walk forward chasing the call of something you cant see, but you know is there, and your crying all the way, part of you holding you back, part of you demanding yourself to move forward, and refusing to let the other hold you back.
I will go on even if it means i cry every day for years to come. because i will not ever go back.
What does it mean to love...
funny, the little girl has to learn this too, and she is crying against this too.
for the first itme in my life, i see that to love soemone isnt easy. it isnt "fun" it isnt romantic adn doesnt work out like the movies.
tears of love hurt deeper than anything else.
this week god took away another part of the little girl in me, putting her farther from who i am becoming.
what does it mean to love?
it means i say " i want to see you in Gods hands more than i want to have you close to me." it means i tell the one person i adore that i let him go and i wont chase after him.
it means i say Im sorry.
I let him go this week.
and the little girl has been crying inside since that day.
but i knew i had to.
because...
well, im afrad to say it because I am beginning to see what it really means.....
and i know i have to count the cost....
and i only wnat what HE has for me. im tired of trying to plan and trying to make things work.
but it hurts.
a while back i said i never knew it would hurt this much to grow up, but now i realize something else....
it hurts even more than it did before.
its like when Estace in the Chronicles of narnia was turned to a dragon and Aslan had to pull off the dragon skin before he was restored.
God, pull it all away, til im left naked and exposed completely. i dont want this dragon to be part of me anymore, but i need you to take it off for me. Kill the little girl and change me into who I really am.... so i can love like you, so i can live like you, so i can be like you....
this is my battle....