Maybe she's just the pieces of me you've never seen
Some time ago, I wrote about some parts of me. I was going through a rather confusing and difficult time at that point, and was seeing a counsellor to try and get my head straightened out, and learning about the different aspects of me helped me a lot; actually, writing that entry was rather good for me too. What I didn't realise at that time (for
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1) There's my enthusiastic creative person side - the one that thinks in hyperlinks, searches out the new way of doing things (obsessively), and connects disparate things. The one that gets excited purely about ideas, and knowing new things so that I can connect it to everything else, and desperate to find a level at which I can engage with anyone I meet. I'm very fond of him, but he can be a bit full-on at times, has a short attention span, and has very poor impulse control.
2) There's Mr Urbane - but a lot of him isn't real, and is an enhancement of my social mask. I mean it's natural to me, but being able to switch it on an off at will is something new.
3) There's the 14 year old with low self esteem, desperate to be accepted and terrified of being seen as not up to snuff, either socially or professionally. He's my paranoia, my self-obsession, my fear of being rumbled. He's no longer my main personality, thank christ.
4) There's my better nature (my "soul", if you will). The seat of my compassion, the bit that gets all daffy over small animals, who gets very emotional about aesthetics, who gets incedibly upset if my friends are upset (not that it shows), and feels very strongly about friendship, love, affection, loyalty etc.
5) But behind all of it is cold, calculating, emotionless me - what I refer to as "my observer". I suppose he's my superego. He's the one directing all the aspects, telling me that I'm being a prat, or that I can turn something to my advantage, or does my strategic thinking without sentiment. I say emotionless, but I think it's more than he is icily controlled, and thinks the unthinkable (and when he's on control, says the unsayable).
The rest of me is various blends of the above, some for the better some for the worse. The overall integration is improving, and I've become skilled at choosing which aspects to display according to who I'm with. I need to know someone VERY well before I drop the various masks - but the real core of my being? He's mine, and remains hidden.
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