(no subject)
When I want to know the truth... I find out the truth. If that means addressing the situation face to face, hands on, no turning back, talking until there's nothing else to say.. then that's what has to be done. It's not bitchy. It's not stupid. It's finding out what you need to know. When violence is involved, then it's stupid. When unfair words are said, yes, then it's bitchy. But otherwise it's just having the guts to address the problem hands on rather than hiding behind someone else or forgetting that it's there and letting it bubble up inside you. I'm not a mean person. I have dedicated my life trying to be as kind as I possibly can, but there's only so much I can take. There's only so much I can handle. And I'm usually the last person to do something like this, but I can't be afraid to confront my problems anymore. As difficult as it may be. I need to address them head on. I'm trying.
Life is funny thing, in one second things are perfect... and the next everything a miserable pile of shit. I'm not letting this miserable pile of shit keep me down for long. I'm not happy right now. Whatevs. It happens. I can't continue to let it destroy me. Insecurities, regrets, and weaknesses are a thing of the past. I'm not going to let it keep me from doing what I love to do... but then again.. it's not easy. And yes. I'm insecure. Yes I regret everything. And yes, my weaknesses are far greater than my strengths. So why don't I completely give up all together? Because my drive won't let me. My passion won't let me. But four words are riding inside my skull and tearing me apart everyday.. and I just can't address these words head on.. I need to forget they are there. It hurts too much when I try to face them. But they're never going to leave. They're still going to torture me until the end of time: I'm not good enough. And no matter what I do or say those words are still going to haunt me. And even after all the shitload of self confidence boosters I have been through the last year, the lifetime of discouragements are never going to be forgotten. So what do I do now? How do I continue on? To tell you the truth, I don't know. I haven't felt like this in a looong time. And I don't know how I dealt with it then, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it now. I'm not happy with who I am at this moment. But I to pity myself, right now. Pity isn't going to help me. Change is. But sometimes changeing your life is so fucking hard to do.
Life is funny thing, in one second things are perfect... and the next everything a miserable pile of shit. I'm not letting this miserable pile of shit keep me down for long. I'm not happy right now. Whatevs. It happens. I can't continue to let it destroy me. Insecurities, regrets, and weaknesses are a thing of the past. I'm not going to let it keep me from doing what I love to do... but then again.. it's not easy. And yes. I'm insecure. Yes I regret everything. And yes, my weaknesses are far greater than my strengths. So why don't I completely give up all together? Because my drive won't let me. My passion won't let me. But four words are riding inside my skull and tearing me apart everyday.. and I just can't address these words head on.. I need to forget they are there. It hurts too much when I try to face them. But they're never going to leave. They're still going to torture me until the end of time: I'm not good enough. And no matter what I do or say those words are still going to haunt me. And even after all the shitload of self confidence boosters I have been through the last year, the lifetime of discouragements are never going to be forgotten. So what do I do now? How do I continue on? To tell you the truth, I don't know. I haven't felt like this in a looong time. And I don't know how I dealt with it then, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it now. I'm not happy with who I am at this moment. But I to pity myself, right now. Pity isn't going to help me. Change is. But sometimes changeing your life is so fucking hard to do.