(no subject)
It seems like it was inevitable that I would somehow sabotage myself eventually.
Right?
Jon and I rarely fight, but when we do, it's a variation on the same theme: I ask him to do something, it makes him uncomfortable but instead of telling me he does it half-heartedly before bringing it up later in an argument, then I feel sort of like a jerk but sort of like he should be more mature about it, and eventually we sort of get over it.
And this happened again recently. For the first time, I was able to really articulate how I felt about it. I feel like in our relationship (and this is true of any relationship, when it comes down to it), one will often be asking the other to step outside his or her comfort zone, especially since he is an observer, he likes to sit back and watch, and I am a doer, I like to be in the thick of things. And when someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable in a relationship, you can deal with it in one of a few ways: You can sacrifice your comfort for the other person, and do what you're asked. You can tell the person it makes you uncomfortable, and either not do it or negotiate. Or you can sort of be dragged along, only telling the person you're uncomfortable in the context of an argument, or to induce guilt. And I feel like he's consistently using the last tactic, which strikes me as immature.
I need someone who is forthright, straightforward, honest. Bullshit and games don't interest me. And I'm not sure if it's lack of experience in dating or if it's just a personality thing, but he doesn't seem to be able to give me what I need. So I've told him it's time to cool it down and stop seeing each so frequently. It's less a relationship, and more dating. He doesn't like it, and I don't like it much either, but then I didn't like the drama and silliness much. I just think maybe he needs some time to figure out whether this relationship is important enough for him to want to be the sort of straightforward person I need. And if it's not, okay. I can deal with that more readily than I can deal with a lot of bullshit.
It makes me sad, though. And I think that relationships don't often come back from this.
Right?
Jon and I rarely fight, but when we do, it's a variation on the same theme: I ask him to do something, it makes him uncomfortable but instead of telling me he does it half-heartedly before bringing it up later in an argument, then I feel sort of like a jerk but sort of like he should be more mature about it, and eventually we sort of get over it.
And this happened again recently. For the first time, I was able to really articulate how I felt about it. I feel like in our relationship (and this is true of any relationship, when it comes down to it), one will often be asking the other to step outside his or her comfort zone, especially since he is an observer, he likes to sit back and watch, and I am a doer, I like to be in the thick of things. And when someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable in a relationship, you can deal with it in one of a few ways: You can sacrifice your comfort for the other person, and do what you're asked. You can tell the person it makes you uncomfortable, and either not do it or negotiate. Or you can sort of be dragged along, only telling the person you're uncomfortable in the context of an argument, or to induce guilt. And I feel like he's consistently using the last tactic, which strikes me as immature.
I need someone who is forthright, straightforward, honest. Bullshit and games don't interest me. And I'm not sure if it's lack of experience in dating or if it's just a personality thing, but he doesn't seem to be able to give me what I need. So I've told him it's time to cool it down and stop seeing each so frequently. It's less a relationship, and more dating. He doesn't like it, and I don't like it much either, but then I didn't like the drama and silliness much. I just think maybe he needs some time to figure out whether this relationship is important enough for him to want to be the sort of straightforward person I need. And if it's not, okay. I can deal with that more readily than I can deal with a lot of bullshit.
It makes me sad, though. And I think that relationships don't often come back from this.