(no subject)
I feel the need to have closure to a friendship that shouldn't have ended the way it did, but I got angry, and suppressed my feelings, and failed to communicate. Then, to top it off, instead of bothering to explain how I felt, and what made me angry, I reacted by being passive agressive, because I felt I had been betrayed. Not by incidents that happened when we were together, but from conversations online in which I felt I was being lied to, and in a way still feel like I was. I couldn't forgive him, but I couldn't tell him how I felt because I was trying so damn hard not to feel any negitive emotions that the whole thing just consumed me until there was nothing left but fear and anger.
I came online to search for a way to privatly tell him what really happened, because there was a series of miscommunications, and that I haven't bothered to until now because I felt he stopped caring, and had started judging unstead of asking questions to understand. I realized at that point I had done the same thing. I've refused to even check on his LJ to see what he felt, because I'm tired of being hurt by people I care about. I'm tired of people saying they love me but not acting like they do. I've let go of my conclusions now, but I'm still scared, and I did attempt one communication and never recieved a reply.
Naturally I felt quite abandoned by it, because I had always thought this person and I had an open line of communication. Now, if it can't be 'fixed,' I would just like to be able to say goodbye. Unfortunatly, after I left a message that one time, I deleted his number from my phone. I don't have his e-mail address, or home address. All I have is a livejournal name and an AIM name, and I haven't seen him on AIM in forever. Livejournal is too public for me to legitimitly say how I feel without possibly getting him in trouble with his relationship, which is not my intention.
Recently I have begun to open up to an important person in my life, and although we have not discussed this problem, it has given me great insight. I believe I may truely be in love with him, because through my love for him I have begun to not only love everyone else, but also understand why I reacted how I did before. It's like a blindfold has finally come off, because I've taken down the walls I built up around myself after my spectacular failers with other relationships. This fight with someone who was once one of my dearest friends is the only thing that nags on my conscience.
If you're reading this, you know who you are. I think dispite what has been said, we pushed the limits of what we're suppose to be to each other too far. I think I realized this in the back of my head and rebelled against it. There is a time and a place for everything, and I should have let you know when my morals where being pushed. At the time it all happened, I was trying to be something instead of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I know now I went against both of those, and that's why I rebelled. I'm not asking for forgiveness, or our friendship back, I'm admitting what I did wrong, and I hope we both learned from it.
If you want to talk, I hope you still have my phone number, email, or aim name. If I get no response, I will try to get this message to you and nothing further.
I came online to search for a way to privatly tell him what really happened, because there was a series of miscommunications, and that I haven't bothered to until now because I felt he stopped caring, and had started judging unstead of asking questions to understand. I realized at that point I had done the same thing. I've refused to even check on his LJ to see what he felt, because I'm tired of being hurt by people I care about. I'm tired of people saying they love me but not acting like they do. I've let go of my conclusions now, but I'm still scared, and I did attempt one communication and never recieved a reply.
Naturally I felt quite abandoned by it, because I had always thought this person and I had an open line of communication. Now, if it can't be 'fixed,' I would just like to be able to say goodbye. Unfortunatly, after I left a message that one time, I deleted his number from my phone. I don't have his e-mail address, or home address. All I have is a livejournal name and an AIM name, and I haven't seen him on AIM in forever. Livejournal is too public for me to legitimitly say how I feel without possibly getting him in trouble with his relationship, which is not my intention.
Recently I have begun to open up to an important person in my life, and although we have not discussed this problem, it has given me great insight. I believe I may truely be in love with him, because through my love for him I have begun to not only love everyone else, but also understand why I reacted how I did before. It's like a blindfold has finally come off, because I've taken down the walls I built up around myself after my spectacular failers with other relationships. This fight with someone who was once one of my dearest friends is the only thing that nags on my conscience.
If you're reading this, you know who you are. I think dispite what has been said, we pushed the limits of what we're suppose to be to each other too far. I think I realized this in the back of my head and rebelled against it. There is a time and a place for everything, and I should have let you know when my morals where being pushed. At the time it all happened, I was trying to be something instead of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I know now I went against both of those, and that's why I rebelled. I'm not asking for forgiveness, or our friendship back, I'm admitting what I did wrong, and I hope we both learned from it.
If you want to talk, I hope you still have my phone number, email, or aim name. If I get no response, I will try to get this message to you and nothing further.