There's No Going Back ch1
THERE’S NO GOING BACK NOW
Susan/ Caspian
Rating: T
Status: Incomplete
Summery: There was no going back, it was easier to forget, yet when given a second chance will Susan be able to earn it?
A/n: Song is There's No Going Back Now by Teresa Waclawik
There’s no going back now
Rain-drops fell onto the flats of Finchly, England, making a hum sounding quite like someone hit a tin can over and over again. It was almost like a lullaby humming them to sleep. It was the same harmony over and over, waiting for its melody. Down the narrow streets someone waited for hers. Correction already had-had, and not by her choosing had lost hers. It had been four dreary months, but it had felt like several long years.
The wind blew the trees that lined the street, planted in the narrow side walks. A lonely rusty tin can and shredded newspaper got rattled and blown about the semi tidy street. The yellow moons light the street faintly making the flats and houses seem gray from the poor light. It was silent except for the humming of the rain, in a way that was almost eerie. The rain was like was a death march and the houses were grave stones in a cemetery. It seemed to even those around the flat of the kings and Queens of old, they had given in and given up. They were waiting, just waiting for death to come, and by doing so they were digging their own graves and burring themselves in them. It was like they had lost hope.
The rain continued to pour, and found a way into an old ivy covered flat. The next room over, that teenage girl tossed and turned in her sleep; sweat pouring from her forehead although it was quite cold. She was a ghostly pale shade of white. If you asked anyone who knew her, they would tell you she had been a ghost since four months ago.
“Caspian!” the girl choked out, her arm outstretched as if she was reaching for something she couldn’t have.
You’ve crossed the bridge
The rain was getting heavier and the leak became bigger. The few droplets of water falling on the little girl’s bed increased to a massive amount of water falling on her head. She awoke with a start as a bolt of thunder sounded. She felt her head and sheets and looked up; the crack was getting bigger and bigger. She got out of her bed and tried to move it but it was too heavy.
“CASPIAN!” Was Screamed from the next room as another bolt of thunder sounded.
You went over the ridge
The little girl ran to the next room where the teenage girl sobbed hysterically in her sleep. Caspian was repeated over and over and over as if just by saying it, that would make everything okay. The little girl grabbed her hand and began to rub her face. Her cry’s softened a bit, as her sister said it would be okay.
“Susan, Susan wake up!” The little girl said, shaking her awake.
Don’t know how
Susan awoke from her horrible dream, tears still streaming from her eyes, as she woke with a start. She wiped them hastily away with the back of her hand. She sat up and turned to her sister. She tried to look brave, and look strong for her younger sister, yet still as small whimper could not be held back.
“Yes, Lucy,” She said almost afraid to hear how bad she had been tonight.
Their two brothers burst into the room, one older than Susan and one older than Lucy but younger than Susan.
“Peter!” Lucy cried to the older of the two boys, “There’s a leak in my bedroom, right over my bed.”
“Are you alright Susan?” The younger of the two boys asked seeing his older sister’s tears.
She nodded yes as if trying to convince herself, “Yes, I am fine Ed.”
“There’s no going back now, Susan,” Peter said softly, sensing her pain.
But there’s no going back now
Lucy hugged her, and Peter gave her a comforting glance before going to help Lucy. Ed patted Susan on the back, before going to help as well.
There’s no going back now
She sighed and remembered her last moments in Narnia.
“We’ll go,” Peter said finally after the silence that followed.
“We will?” Edmond asked.
“C’mon, times up,” Peter replied, turning to face us and then turning to face the rest. He strode over to Caspian and handed him his sword, “After all we’re not really needed here anymore.”
“I will look after it until you return,” Caspian said.
“I am afraid that’s just it, were not coming back,” Susan said sorrowfully.
“We’re not?” Lucy asked.
“You two are,” Peter said enviously returning back to us, “at least I think He means you too.”
“But why?” Lucy asked turning Aslan, “did I do something wrong?”
“Quite the opposite dear one,” Aslan replied, “But all things have their time. Your brother and sister have learned what they can from Narnia, now it’s time for them to live for their own.”
“It’s alright Lu,” Peter said trying to make it better, “It not how I thought it would be but it’s alright, one day you’ll see too, c’mon.”
They all said their goodbye, Susan approached Caspian.
“I am glad I came back,” She said.
“I wish we had more time together,” He replied.
“We would’ve never have worked anyway,” She said trying to make herself believe it as well.
“Why is that?” He asked.
“Well I am 1300 years older than you,” She tried.
She tried to walk away but she found she couldn’t, her feet found her way back to Caspian. She needed to try, she wanted to, and if she didn’t she would never forgive herself. She kissed him, and he kissed back. What seemed like too short they pulled away, but Caspian didn’t let go. He wrapped his arms around her, and she breathed in deeply, as if that would solve all her problems. She gazed into his eyes one last time as he whispered five words, “I love you, please stay.” “I wish I could,” were her parting words, and she looked away. She couldn’t look back as she followed Peter, there was no going back.
You took your last breath
And you turned to the left
Don’t know how
But there’s no going back now
She hugged her pillow closer imagining it was Caspian. This couldn’t continue anymore. She needed to forget, it was over-what was the point in believing in something that for her would cease to exist? Why bother remembering if it would only hurt her, knowing she could have had a chance at love and wouldn’t anymore? Why would Aslan do this to her and Peter? Didn’t he see she was only truly happy in Narnia, her home?
There’s no going back now
You’re trying not to cry
And now you’re wondering why
Don’t know how
But there’s no going back now
She stared out her window remembering everything about him, his eyes his hair, his accent. No Susan no! Forget… The way he smiled, forget him forget Narnia. The way his lips felt pressed on hers, forget Susan- forget! The last five words he had said to her, Forget about him he must already be married or dead. Forget! She internally battled. Tears ran down her cheeks, as she cried openly now.
There’s n-o/ going back now…
Aslan had said it was right, but now she didn’t seem so sure… what was there for her in England? “You have a future in England…” Aslan had said turning directly to her. What was her special future, married to a soldier who wasn’t as strong as Caspian, sent off to fight a battle? She was nothing in England, nothing… She thought clutching her pillow tighter and letting the silent tears pour freely.
You did what you thought was right
Now you’re waking up in the middle of the night
Shaking with fright
Now you’re putting up a fight
She tried to forget, for years and years pouring her self into things that didn’t matter: lipstick, parties, and nylons… Yet somehow she could never forget what she called her childhood game, nor the sad smile that Caspian had given her. Over the years she had spent so much time forgetting she did nothing with her life. She had indeed become nothing more but a shadow, a lady who cleaned houses for spare money when she didn’t work at a small bar, serving drinks. What had happened to the young girl? What happened to High Queen Susan of Narnia? The nineteen year old girl who stood before her siblings and parents graves was nothing like her, except the sad smile that lingered on her face.
But there’s no going back now…
No going back now
There’s no going back now
Aslan peered at her from in the tree above her families graves; he wondered what had gone wrong as well… Susan wasn’t supposed to be like this. She didn’t believe in Narnia anymore, she couldn’t see him. She should have been an amazing writer… gifted in children’s fairytales about a land called Narnia where there was dwarves, and fawns, and trees that danced. She wasn’t supposed to be burying her family all alone in her world. With a sharp pang he knew why. Had he made the wrong decision in deciding for her? Should he have let her choose, a wonderful life in England inspiring children for years to come, or a fantasy of Narnia… ruling beside Caspian until the end? Caspian and Susan, he had never expected they would ever fall in love-he had never thought it would go this far. Sure Caspian had married, but he had never loved his wife, never looked at her the same way he did the silver lined portrait of Susan on the seventh floor. Caspian had never looked at another girl that way, and the only reason he had ever married was because of his people. He had heard Susan and Caspian’s last words to each other quite clearly even though no one else could. He had ignored it for Susan’s future and Caspian’s beautiful wife. His attention turned back to the girl standing all alone, tears sliding down her eyes like so many years ago that night when she had stopped believing.
She just uttered one word, “Caspian?” as she lifted her eyes to the lion as she finally noticed him for the first time.
But there’s no going back now…
No going back now
There’s no going back/ now…/