homesick for the holidays
ive been thinking about christmas and its really getting to me. usually its the same commercialized holiday with nothing pertaining to religion, but the greediness of boys and girls. i admit. i was at one time one of those children. i didnt go to church, i am jewish. christmas was a time for presents and surprises. as ive got older and have explored my spirituality, christmas seems to mean less and less to me. i hate commercialism and the need to buy fancy gifts. i dont believe in christ. whats there to believe in than? i dont even believe in santa. all the suprises and the excitement is gone. i really realized it when i said something aloud in art that i dont think i should have said. i stuffed my own stocking last christmas. i really feel depressed about the whole christmas morning thing. i dont even get excited for the holidays other than the beautiful lights and the coziness of a lit tree. i hope that i can be knocked off of this low. ive been feeling so great but with chirstmas approaching slowly, i look forward more the vacation, rather than the holiday. even chanukkah last year was depressing. me, sitting by myself in front of my window, lighting the candles and singing to myself. i just wanted to cry. the joy was all gone and i felt so alone. everyone who brought me up to believe broke my heart. even when my dad tried to say the prayers i brushed him off...he didnt actually care at all. it makes me angry that people think that the only reason there are presents on chanukkah is because of chrsitmas. thats bullshit. its funny how people think they know so much about a religion or holiday but they know little. and im no expert because i know little about christmas. i know its a time of celebration and joy but i just dont understnad, and i dont think i ever will. i wish it was the high holidays again so i could fast all of these bad feelings away. i really hope that i enjoy this holiday season as much as possible. im going to try wholeheartedly to change the way i think of the holidays because i am too cynical, i just want to be with my friends and with gabe during the holiday time. thats where i feel at home. im sorry for being so negative but i think the only way to get over this feeling is to write it down and get it out of my system. i hope i can get excited again and i hope that my friends and family will help me. i really want to look back on my high school year and say that this year was the best holiday. now im anxious for vacation and for time to relax.