valentines day!
SO TODAY IS VALENTINES DAY...
a day to love? um no. so what are those of us who dont believe in love supposed to do? sit here and watch couples disgustingly show PDA and ooh and aah as if its this cute thing, when inside we want to throw up and actually could not be happier that we are not those people. im sure im just being cynical and anyone who doesnt really know me who reads this is going to think im this pessimistic "i hate life" kinda person, but that actually couldnt be further from the truth. Life is good. Sure sometimes i wonder what im doing and if im just wasting my one chance to truly live life, but we all go through these spells, right? whatever gets me through the night i guess. you think you know someone, you have a situation figured out, and then everything just falls apart, and as much as you'd like to be a strong person, to keep up this bitch facade, you let go and you show your true feelings. and part of me is happy that i finally let it out.. its finally out there how i really feel. but another overwhelming part of me feels like i lost my power. the one thing i had left, my mystery, the fact that certain people dont really know how im feeling at any particular moment, and ive lost that power. i could say things, and they had no way to counter it.. becuz what the hell did they know? they didnt know me. and now... now im as vulnerable as can be. and perhaps i deserve it. maybe its how its supposed to be. and then maybe im overthinking life as usual, and i should just let everything goes, becuz those closest to me know that as soon as i feel like i have a grasp on my life, things turn out to be completely different and i end up just as (if not more) confused than i was in the first place. maybe thats the way its meant to be. im supposed to sit and wonder and not know.. thats what makes life worth living. the unknown. the sense of excitement as to what might happen. but it would be nice for once to feel like i had control. like i had everything figured out.
i just wanted to know, and now i do. i think i was better off before...
a day to love? um no. so what are those of us who dont believe in love supposed to do? sit here and watch couples disgustingly show PDA and ooh and aah as if its this cute thing, when inside we want to throw up and actually could not be happier that we are not those people. im sure im just being cynical and anyone who doesnt really know me who reads this is going to think im this pessimistic "i hate life" kinda person, but that actually couldnt be further from the truth. Life is good. Sure sometimes i wonder what im doing and if im just wasting my one chance to truly live life, but we all go through these spells, right? whatever gets me through the night i guess. you think you know someone, you have a situation figured out, and then everything just falls apart, and as much as you'd like to be a strong person, to keep up this bitch facade, you let go and you show your true feelings. and part of me is happy that i finally let it out.. its finally out there how i really feel. but another overwhelming part of me feels like i lost my power. the one thing i had left, my mystery, the fact that certain people dont really know how im feeling at any particular moment, and ive lost that power. i could say things, and they had no way to counter it.. becuz what the hell did they know? they didnt know me. and now... now im as vulnerable as can be. and perhaps i deserve it. maybe its how its supposed to be. and then maybe im overthinking life as usual, and i should just let everything goes, becuz those closest to me know that as soon as i feel like i have a grasp on my life, things turn out to be completely different and i end up just as (if not more) confused than i was in the first place. maybe thats the way its meant to be. im supposed to sit and wonder and not know.. thats what makes life worth living. the unknown. the sense of excitement as to what might happen. but it would be nice for once to feel like i had control. like i had everything figured out.
i just wanted to know, and now i do. i think i was better off before...