It's a little bit funny
....this feeling inside.
So, I've started to revert. I've been getting very nostalgic lately. Thinking a lot about the past and starting to long for it in certain regards. I miss my NASS friends. I miss NASS. I miss that feeling of being on the right track with my theatre career. I had connections that got me auditions, I was feeling good in my career. Now that's gone. The connections that got me auditions that got me shows have now faultered and I fell completely out of touch. I'm trying to start from square one again and I'm having a really hard time with it. I'm at a fork. I want a stable day job where I can make money and live comfortably while still pursuing acting. I want to want to go to work. I've accepted that there's no way to do theatre in this city without having said day job. I've been thinking about my future. I'm tired of struggling. But in turn, will this decision for a "career" push theatre out of my life? As of right now I don't want it to. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels so much. I don't know what to do. I feel kind of washed up. I sent out mailing of 50+ headshots and I haven't received one phone call. I feel like I'm back when I first graduated college and was just plain lost. People ask me why I'm not acting with Steppenwolf, the Goodman, etc. I don't know why. I can't even get an audition with them, not even for their generals. Well, I've auditioned for the Goodman generals twice with no avail. Am I not trying hard enough? I don't know. Maybe I'm not. I'm not sitting there in the morning working on monologues or researching for new ones. As bad as it sounds, I WANT the Goodman. I WANT the Steppenwolf. I at least want the experiences. There are so many theatres I want to work with and I don't know if I ever will. That really sucks. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel that at 26 I should be halfway to Equity by now and I'm not. People tell me that I'm gonna "make it." I'm not so sure anymore. I'm four years away from 30 and I know I don't want to be feeling this way. I want to be further. I'm trying to be logical but in turn that's crushing some of the childish fervor I had for theatre. I actually referred to this portion of my life as "growing up." Does growing up mean stop playing with theatre and get a "real" job? I don't know. I seriously don't know. i'm so conflicted right now. I know what I want but I don't know if it's possible anymore. No, not possible...logical. Is it logical? I think this has been the root of my mood swings I've been having the last few months. I'm sitting here typing at a computer with a job that I feel is just pointless. This job is for a 19 year old working their way through college not a 26 year old who's been out of college for four years.
I don't know. I really need to figure this out.
So, I've started to revert. I've been getting very nostalgic lately. Thinking a lot about the past and starting to long for it in certain regards. I miss my NASS friends. I miss NASS. I miss that feeling of being on the right track with my theatre career. I had connections that got me auditions, I was feeling good in my career. Now that's gone. The connections that got me auditions that got me shows have now faultered and I fell completely out of touch. I'm trying to start from square one again and I'm having a really hard time with it. I'm at a fork. I want a stable day job where I can make money and live comfortably while still pursuing acting. I want to want to go to work. I've accepted that there's no way to do theatre in this city without having said day job. I've been thinking about my future. I'm tired of struggling. But in turn, will this decision for a "career" push theatre out of my life? As of right now I don't want it to. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels so much. I don't know what to do. I feel kind of washed up. I sent out mailing of 50+ headshots and I haven't received one phone call. I feel like I'm back when I first graduated college and was just plain lost. People ask me why I'm not acting with Steppenwolf, the Goodman, etc. I don't know why. I can't even get an audition with them, not even for their generals. Well, I've auditioned for the Goodman generals twice with no avail. Am I not trying hard enough? I don't know. Maybe I'm not. I'm not sitting there in the morning working on monologues or researching for new ones. As bad as it sounds, I WANT the Goodman. I WANT the Steppenwolf. I at least want the experiences. There are so many theatres I want to work with and I don't know if I ever will. That really sucks. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel that at 26 I should be halfway to Equity by now and I'm not. People tell me that I'm gonna "make it." I'm not so sure anymore. I'm four years away from 30 and I know I don't want to be feeling this way. I want to be further. I'm trying to be logical but in turn that's crushing some of the childish fervor I had for theatre. I actually referred to this portion of my life as "growing up." Does growing up mean stop playing with theatre and get a "real" job? I don't know. I seriously don't know. i'm so conflicted right now. I know what I want but I don't know if it's possible anymore. No, not possible...logical. Is it logical? I think this has been the root of my mood swings I've been having the last few months. I'm sitting here typing at a computer with a job that I feel is just pointless. This job is for a 19 year old working their way through college not a 26 year old who's been out of college for four years.
I don't know. I really need to figure this out.