Waiting for the other shoe
I cannot really explain what I have been feeling for the last couple days. My intuition keeps whispering in my ear and I just keep waiting for that " Other shoe to drop". Things in life are really good, yet exhausting, right now. I have an amazingly blessed life and everything I need. I have shelter, even if it is not mine...It keeps me dry and warm, and is a shelter from the heat in the Summer. I have attention, affection love, without the bother of intimacy. I have food that nourishes my body and my health is better than it has been in years. I have access to clean, fresh and even cold water. I serve a risen savior and walk in His blessings everyday. Things are good and I am grateful...Yet, I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen.
The new things that have aspired in my life are oddly fulfilling, yet at the same time create an odd void that was/ is very unexpected to me. I look forward to seeing how this is going to play out. Right now, I am fighting some of my go to defense mechanisms. I feel myself getting close to someone, letting them in, growing close, loving them and feeling an intense need for them in my life and I am beyond petrified. My go to defense is to drive them away and make them want to leave me. Yet, that is the last thing I want to happen. I feel so scared. I think I really need to talk through my feelings in this, but I do not know how or if I should. I have to control this fear and my impulse, but these emotions are really making me second guess my readiness for my own student. My connection as the student is intense, but I was certainly not prepared for my feelings as the instructor.
I am addicted to self sabotage and feeling inclined to " use" but I cannot because it is more than me on the line...
I am scared. I want to hide.
The new things that have aspired in my life are oddly fulfilling, yet at the same time create an odd void that was/ is very unexpected to me. I look forward to seeing how this is going to play out. Right now, I am fighting some of my go to defense mechanisms. I feel myself getting close to someone, letting them in, growing close, loving them and feeling an intense need for them in my life and I am beyond petrified. My go to defense is to drive them away and make them want to leave me. Yet, that is the last thing I want to happen. I feel so scared. I think I really need to talk through my feelings in this, but I do not know how or if I should. I have to control this fear and my impulse, but these emotions are really making me second guess my readiness for my own student. My connection as the student is intense, but I was certainly not prepared for my feelings as the instructor.
I am addicted to self sabotage and feeling inclined to " use" but I cannot because it is more than me on the line...
I am scared. I want to hide.