Time for celebration
So, I am less than 3 lbs away from the weight goal I set more than 6 years ago. You would think I would be thrilled, and feeling accomplished. Instead,old thoughts and beliefs haunt me. Part, of the reason I allowed myself to get so unhealthy, and chopped my hair off, and just plain disgustingly obese was to protect me. Shedding the pounds has taken an enormous amount of courage on my part. I did not want men looking at me, or noticing me. I wanted to be overlooked and not have to deal with their unwanted advances. Christopher liked big women and encouraged me to pack on the pounds. I wonder now, if he really liked big women or if he also wanted to make sure that I was unattractive to anyone else? I guess, I will never know the answer to that one. Anyhow, now that I am so close to my original goal I am feeling a panic begin to set in. I pacify myself by reminding myself that I am almost 40 and nobody would want me now!
What an unhealthy self- dialog. I know I need to replace it with something more positive to by growth, and self image. Yet, after what my step dad did to me....and the horrid experiences I had with sex with Christopher...I just do not want to ever be attractive. There is a part of me that wants to sabotage my own weight loss and drown in a bowl of ice cream, chased with liters of sweet tea.
I know 3 more pounds is not the end goal for me. I still need to lose another 20-40 to be at a healthy BMI. However, this was the original goal. When I set that goal I choose something I saw as absurd and impossible to ever reach...Yet, here I am. I have done it....well, so close I can taste it anyhow. Which tells me I can lose another 20-30....what is that after almost 350LBS???
My journey has been about finding health....physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have improved in all those areas, and am so much healthier all around, even though I have miles to go still.
So instead of wanting to celebrate. I am filled with fear. I know God has not given me a spirit of fear, but I feel pretty afraid right now and want to shelter of my 500 lbs and shaved head.
Why can I not just have a positive outlook? Why can I just not say to myself that once I am at a healthy BMI and possibly have respectable length of hair I may be attractive to some men (not counting the Mexican and black pervs who hit on me at QT). However, I am in control of my life and I can just walk in that power and say, " No thank you" and walk away. I guess at some level, I fear my ability to say no...because no was just not allowed to be part of my vocabulary ever before in my life. I am not sure that I can trust me to be able to say no now...for so many reasons.
I guess this is where I thank God that he did not make me very pleasing to the eye even before I became obese.
< sigh of confusion and fear>
What an unhealthy self- dialog. I know I need to replace it with something more positive to by growth, and self image. Yet, after what my step dad did to me....and the horrid experiences I had with sex with Christopher...I just do not want to ever be attractive. There is a part of me that wants to sabotage my own weight loss and drown in a bowl of ice cream, chased with liters of sweet tea.
I know 3 more pounds is not the end goal for me. I still need to lose another 20-40 to be at a healthy BMI. However, this was the original goal. When I set that goal I choose something I saw as absurd and impossible to ever reach...Yet, here I am. I have done it....well, so close I can taste it anyhow. Which tells me I can lose another 20-30....what is that after almost 350LBS???
My journey has been about finding health....physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have improved in all those areas, and am so much healthier all around, even though I have miles to go still.
So instead of wanting to celebrate. I am filled with fear. I know God has not given me a spirit of fear, but I feel pretty afraid right now and want to shelter of my 500 lbs and shaved head.
Why can I not just have a positive outlook? Why can I just not say to myself that once I am at a healthy BMI and possibly have respectable length of hair I may be attractive to some men (not counting the Mexican and black pervs who hit on me at QT). However, I am in control of my life and I can just walk in that power and say, " No thank you" and walk away. I guess at some level, I fear my ability to say no...because no was just not allowed to be part of my vocabulary ever before in my life. I am not sure that I can trust me to be able to say no now...for so many reasons.
I guess this is where I thank God that he did not make me very pleasing to the eye even before I became obese.
< sigh of confusion and fear>