Not quite as negative
I am not feeling quite as negative this morning. We actually got to bed on time last night. I guess that is because we knew we HAD to be up by 630 this morning to take one of our kids to court in Springfield. So, perhaps that will have our schedule reversed and back on track so we can make it work for my training. I have to admit there is a part of me that feels frustrated and angry that we care enough about him and CHAOS to do it, but neither of us could do it for me. I know I am just being pessimistic about that but it is how I honestly feel.
I am still really stressed about figuring out the funds to be there for Josiah in less than two weeks and then back to pick up Mike and for the Stephens family reunion after that ( 2 weeks later). With everything going on in and with CHAOS right now I just do not feel comfortable being gone for two full weeks to save on the gas, not to mention the inability to feed us for two weeks if we did just stay. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have faith that God will take care of this, but he is a God of the last minute. I battle my flesh, type A personality, and humanity on this one. Lean not on my own understanding, right?
I did not wear my necklace yesterday and could not even find the strength to take it to Otou to put on me. I felt too guilty about the day before and engaging in a BDSM conversation via text. I knew better, but did it anyway and set me in a downward spiral. I fell apart and Otou had to put the pieces back together. I felt bad for that so I just did not wear my necklace. My necklace brings me comfort and serves as a reminder for so many things for me. I suppose I was punishing myself in my own little way. Yeah, I am not suppose to do that either. So , now I feel worse and more guilty. So I want to punish me farther and so I am struggling even more with wearing it today. I frustrate me.
I have more I would like to write about but I need to get some breakfast and pack a lunch to take along to Springfield today. Sure dont have the funds for even dollar burgers today! This is going to be a long long day.
I am still really stressed about figuring out the funds to be there for Josiah in less than two weeks and then back to pick up Mike and for the Stephens family reunion after that ( 2 weeks later). With everything going on in and with CHAOS right now I just do not feel comfortable being gone for two full weeks to save on the gas, not to mention the inability to feed us for two weeks if we did just stay. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have faith that God will take care of this, but he is a God of the last minute. I battle my flesh, type A personality, and humanity on this one. Lean not on my own understanding, right?
I did not wear my necklace yesterday and could not even find the strength to take it to Otou to put on me. I felt too guilty about the day before and engaging in a BDSM conversation via text. I knew better, but did it anyway and set me in a downward spiral. I fell apart and Otou had to put the pieces back together. I felt bad for that so I just did not wear my necklace. My necklace brings me comfort and serves as a reminder for so many things for me. I suppose I was punishing myself in my own little way. Yeah, I am not suppose to do that either. So , now I feel worse and more guilty. So I want to punish me farther and so I am struggling even more with wearing it today. I frustrate me.
I have more I would like to write about but I need to get some breakfast and pack a lunch to take along to Springfield today. Sure dont have the funds for even dollar burgers today! This is going to be a long long day.