Taking the pictures off the wall...
***This is an entry from the heart, and I can't explain nor can I help how I feel. I do not use a journal, for this IS my journal...therefore, this is me and you don't have to read this nor do I care for your opinion on it or your opinion on "blogs", in general, for that matter***
I believe it maybe time to wave the white flag and throw in my towel to all!!
It's funny how everything you think or feel about people can change with in just a week or a weeks worth of events! I mean one can only take so much. My new found opinion is starting to sway with two others close to me whom opened my eyes to what I didn't see or should I say what I may have chose to overlook, that they all think I've taken more than I should have already endured. I just finally think I may be unable to take much anymore, if any for that matter! When you are only the last resort of being the entertainment or come hang out because there isn't anyone else there or they left for a little bit, but make sure to leave before they get back here. When you give your all to them and your unconditional support and understanding and then once everything is "ok" with the other party, you are kicked out to the curb! AND I really don't give a damn if I offend anyone, and if you take offense to this or this makes you think particularly hard, maybe perhaps you are the guilty party I am speaking of!! I'm not asking for much...just don't let me be forgotten when the next interest comes to play into the card game we call life. This has happened once before, yet the same three people stayed there to catch them when it all came crashing down and fell apart! But yet when I feel myself falling...I dare not to look back, for I don't have that support, if I fall, I better be able to catch myself!
WHY DO PEOPLE USE THE WORDS FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE SOOOOO LOOSELY?!?!?!?! STOP FUCKING HURTING ME!!
If you don't want me to be apart of your life and you would rather care about people that you haven't even met before, then fine, TELL ME and I won't bother you anymore. I can't take being hurt all the time or being over looked or being forgotten, it kills to know I am an after thought!! I am sorry I feel this way, and I am sorry I must have viewed my friendship on such a high plain of almost sisterhood! I am also sorry, because I can't promise that I am going to be there if you fall again. It hurts too much to be a part of it all. I've devoted almost an entire year to the same two people and basically threw all others to the side, because I love and cared deeply for those two!! Don't get me wrong; I had TONS of fun, laughs, and experiences. It was the best 11 months I ever had, the longest run of fun and good moods, too; however, in retrospect, I fear the love and caring may have been one sided, that they never thought of me like the way I viewed them... I want to scream and yet collapse to my knees and cry...weep, because of everything that has come about. I feel as though I have lost two people out of this all, and they were two of the three that I can truly say I love them deeply and dearly! But it kills me to know they may not have EVER loved me back. So as my subject title reads...perhaps it maybe time to start taking the pictures off the wall, because they stare back at me and burn through my being, piercing my heart with a thousand swords...mocking me, saying it was never that, it was never what you thought it was! I just wish it wasn't true...I just wish this was just one LONG horrendous nightmare, and I'll wake up and everything would be fine, but I pinch myself, and it hurts, so I guess I am awake. But now since I know where I stand in their lives, I can now accept what I am or should I say what I never was and just focus on me and getting me back to where I want to be: thinner, funny, full of life, and not sitting at home every night, LoL!!! Time to go back to partying and having a good time, with or without them!! (I will add one more thing, though...with what happened or should I say lack of this week...I will get "the hint" if they are a no-show at the Luau...or if I don't hear from any of them with in the next week or two. I can't take this...they don't understand how it kills me...I wish I could hurt people I say I care about as much as they can...)
But, I am going to head out and do some figuring with the cost of my party and await for Mel and Ryan to get home! M(elvis) is such a blessing. She has never left my side...she is all a sister could ever be, she would give her own life just for me to live, and I would do the same for her!! I love her deeply and no one will ever tear us apart!! And that is such a reassuring thought, knowing there is at least one person in my life I can always count on!! She is there thick and thin, through the happy and the horrible, through all the bumps and bruises, through the fights and the break ups, the tears and ALL the laughter...and through it all...we come out exactly how our lives started...we come out of it loving one another the same, unconditional way forever, and that is all ANYONE can ask for in life! So, Melissa, THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITS SELF!!
Until The Next Chapter...Keep On Living!!
I believe it maybe time to wave the white flag and throw in my towel to all!!
It's funny how everything you think or feel about people can change with in just a week or a weeks worth of events! I mean one can only take so much. My new found opinion is starting to sway with two others close to me whom opened my eyes to what I didn't see or should I say what I may have chose to overlook, that they all think I've taken more than I should have already endured. I just finally think I may be unable to take much anymore, if any for that matter! When you are only the last resort of being the entertainment or come hang out because there isn't anyone else there or they left for a little bit, but make sure to leave before they get back here. When you give your all to them and your unconditional support and understanding and then once everything is "ok" with the other party, you are kicked out to the curb! AND I really don't give a damn if I offend anyone, and if you take offense to this or this makes you think particularly hard, maybe perhaps you are the guilty party I am speaking of!! I'm not asking for much...just don't let me be forgotten when the next interest comes to play into the card game we call life. This has happened once before, yet the same three people stayed there to catch them when it all came crashing down and fell apart! But yet when I feel myself falling...I dare not to look back, for I don't have that support, if I fall, I better be able to catch myself!
WHY DO PEOPLE USE THE WORDS FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE SOOOOO LOOSELY?!?!?!?! STOP FUCKING HURTING ME!!
If you don't want me to be apart of your life and you would rather care about people that you haven't even met before, then fine, TELL ME and I won't bother you anymore. I can't take being hurt all the time or being over looked or being forgotten, it kills to know I am an after thought!! I am sorry I feel this way, and I am sorry I must have viewed my friendship on such a high plain of almost sisterhood! I am also sorry, because I can't promise that I am going to be there if you fall again. It hurts too much to be a part of it all. I've devoted almost an entire year to the same two people and basically threw all others to the side, because I love and cared deeply for those two!! Don't get me wrong; I had TONS of fun, laughs, and experiences. It was the best 11 months I ever had, the longest run of fun and good moods, too; however, in retrospect, I fear the love and caring may have been one sided, that they never thought of me like the way I viewed them... I want to scream and yet collapse to my knees and cry...weep, because of everything that has come about. I feel as though I have lost two people out of this all, and they were two of the three that I can truly say I love them deeply and dearly! But it kills me to know they may not have EVER loved me back. So as my subject title reads...perhaps it maybe time to start taking the pictures off the wall, because they stare back at me and burn through my being, piercing my heart with a thousand swords...mocking me, saying it was never that, it was never what you thought it was! I just wish it wasn't true...I just wish this was just one LONG horrendous nightmare, and I'll wake up and everything would be fine, but I pinch myself, and it hurts, so I guess I am awake. But now since I know where I stand in their lives, I can now accept what I am or should I say what I never was and just focus on me and getting me back to where I want to be: thinner, funny, full of life, and not sitting at home every night, LoL!!! Time to go back to partying and having a good time, with or without them!! (I will add one more thing, though...with what happened or should I say lack of this week...I will get "the hint" if they are a no-show at the Luau...or if I don't hear from any of them with in the next week or two. I can't take this...they don't understand how it kills me...I wish I could hurt people I say I care about as much as they can...)
But, I am going to head out and do some figuring with the cost of my party and await for Mel and Ryan to get home! M(elvis) is such a blessing. She has never left my side...she is all a sister could ever be, she would give her own life just for me to live, and I would do the same for her!! I love her deeply and no one will ever tear us apart!! And that is such a reassuring thought, knowing there is at least one person in my life I can always count on!! She is there thick and thin, through the happy and the horrible, through all the bumps and bruises, through the fights and the break ups, the tears and ALL the laughter...and through it all...we come out exactly how our lives started...we come out of it loving one another the same, unconditional way forever, and that is all ANYONE can ask for in life! So, Melissa, THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITS SELF!!
Until The Next Chapter...Keep On Living!!