I said what you wanted to hear and what I wanted to say
I am confused on things right now...and I figuring things out. I think I might have some sort of weird disorder because I will say things and have no idea why I said them...half of the stuff I say I don't necessarily believe or think...I'll say I don't like someone...then I wonder...wait...do I really? Why? Why did I say that? That doesn't make any sense. I suppose I just don't know how to talk to most people or something. Another thing I don't get...are guys...I don't understand why a guy whom I am talking to and abruptly stops talking to me can't just tell me...hey...I don't want you. NO. They have to leave you in the dark to try and figure it out yourself. I'm sorry...I don't like to just assume. I'd rather you take a chance of hurting my feelings rather then making me have to come to my own conclusions...which are sometimes correct...sometimes not.
Arg. I am just...there are some good days now...and then there are some days that I just want to cry. I am working on being a better person again. I kind of hit a slump about two months back when everything blew up all around me. I lost a lot of friends and I kind of just withdrew into my own little world. For two months I hardly left my house...for the first month of those two months I rarely even left my room except for the neccesities. I would lay in my bed for hours with music on but not really hearing the music...I would stare at the little geometrical shapes hanging from my ceiling but not see them at all. I had so many strange thoughts, bad thoughts, lost in my thoughts constantly. It was a very selfish period of time. My selfishness may have very well cost my one of my most dear friendships...why? I am not really all together sure...but I am pretty sure I have some good ideas. I don't really know.
I went to church the other day with my brother and the people there were surprisingly nice. I think I'll go there more often. I am trying to become a better christian...trying to better myself...and trying to creat better relationships and a better attitude about life. I don't want to want to die anymore...I don't want to be sad. So i am chaning all of that the best I can.
dating....gah...I need to keep dating away from me for a while...like...forever...or atleast until I can trust guys enough to let one within a 1 million mile radius of my heart. lol. I don't know...I am just tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crushed by some guy. It's rediculous and I don't know why i allow it to happen to me. So I no longer seek to find a relationship like that with anyone in the near future...or distant future...or the relatively distant future or anything in between any of that. Well anyway...uh...I don't know what to say...I was oging to post some new pictures on myspace but I forgot the disk at home so I will just have to do that another day...well probably soon enough. well anyway...uh....later I guess.
amanda
Arg. I am just...there are some good days now...and then there are some days that I just want to cry. I am working on being a better person again. I kind of hit a slump about two months back when everything blew up all around me. I lost a lot of friends and I kind of just withdrew into my own little world. For two months I hardly left my house...for the first month of those two months I rarely even left my room except for the neccesities. I would lay in my bed for hours with music on but not really hearing the music...I would stare at the little geometrical shapes hanging from my ceiling but not see them at all. I had so many strange thoughts, bad thoughts, lost in my thoughts constantly. It was a very selfish period of time. My selfishness may have very well cost my one of my most dear friendships...why? I am not really all together sure...but I am pretty sure I have some good ideas. I don't really know.
I went to church the other day with my brother and the people there were surprisingly nice. I think I'll go there more often. I am trying to become a better christian...trying to better myself...and trying to creat better relationships and a better attitude about life. I don't want to want to die anymore...I don't want to be sad. So i am chaning all of that the best I can.
dating....gah...I need to keep dating away from me for a while...like...forever...or atleast until I can trust guys enough to let one within a 1 million mile radius of my heart. lol. I don't know...I am just tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crushed by some guy. It's rediculous and I don't know why i allow it to happen to me. So I no longer seek to find a relationship like that with anyone in the near future...or distant future...or the relatively distant future or anything in between any of that. Well anyway...uh...I don't know what to say...I was oging to post some new pictures on myspace but I forgot the disk at home so I will just have to do that another day...well probably soon enough. well anyway...uh....later I guess.
amanda