Fanboy Crack (humor, wrongness!) R
I blame hecateshound for this. Because she made me laugh with this awesome comment in my request for OT3 ideas...
What do SG-1 groupies talk about to each other? I mean, the ones who aren't like Felger. Do you suppose they go home together, dress up as SG-1, and have amazing sex? Who knows...
And then I did insta-fic. With no beta, who surely would have called Shenanigans on me, but...
Fanboy Crack
By Jennghis
**
First Lieutenant Nelson Ward glanced down in surprise at the splash of bright green paint on his chest. He jerked his head up and glared at the woman who’d just jumped out from behind the tree. “Goddamn it, Jamie. I called time-out!”
Jamie, defiant pain in the ass that she was, simply smirked at him. “There’s no time-outs when you’re fighting aliens, Ward.”
Nelson gritted his teeth. “You’re supposed to call me Lieutenant Ward, Doctor Cristiano!”
Jamie rolled her eyes then lifted her head and called out. “Come on out, Tony. Lieutenant Ward is getting all pissy again!”
A skinny, bespectacled young man suddenly stepped out from a pile of tires. He gave a snort of laughter as he walked toward them, stripping the safety goggles from his head and straightening his glasses. “Dude, you have got to get over this power trip you’re on.”
Nelson bit back the snarky reply in the back of this throat. These were the last two cadets who’d have anything to do with him anymore. He couldn’t afford to fuck it up. He gestured with his paint gun. “Look, there has to be a specific chain of command on an SGC team! Look at SG-1. Colonel O’Neill is in charge and Major Carter knows that! Dr. Jackson and Teal’c give him the respect he deserves!”
Tony gave him a dry look. “Yeah, you’re hardly Jack O’Neill, Nelson.”
“I’ll say,” Jamie exclaimed. “Even though you did try to dye your hair gray that one time.” She huffed out a laugh, drawing a grin from Tony.
Nelson ignored them. He’d tried to make Jamie dye her hair blond too, but she’d had none of it. Her complexion was nearly olive, so he guessed she would have looked pretty odd. Luckily for him Tony was the typical geek when it came to astro-physics. So he still had one really hot female archeologist and one really dorky scientist on his team, even if they were opposite of SG-1 in degrees.
“SG-1 are legendary because they work together so well,” Nelson protested. Why did he always have to remind them of this?
“You are such an SG-1 fanboy!” Tony shoved his glasses up again and smirked.
“Like you’re not?” Nelson pushed back a bit. “When Major Carter helped with our simulations last weekend, you had a freakin’ woody the entire time!”
Tony lost the smile. “I did not!”
Jamie looked almost ecstatic in her joy. “That was for Major Carter? I thought it was for Dr. Jackson!”
“What the hell are you guys doing staring at my crotch anyway?” Tony tried to turn it back on them.
“Like we could miss it,” Nelson snorted.
“Oh, and what? Like you weren’t just as bad? I thought you were going to hump O’Neill’s leg for a moment there when he said you did a good job during the ambush simulation!” Jamie was nearly crowing now.
Tony turned on her. “At least we weren’t so lovestruck over Dr. Jackson that we didn’t hear the Colonel give us an order.”
Jamie turned sullen. “I was… distracted. That’s all.”
“Dude, you were so about to cream your pants when Jackson put his hand on your shoulder.”
“I was not, and that’s disgusting, asshat.”
“Please,” Tony replied sarcastically. “You’re the one who calls Colonel Makepeace a ‘sexist twat’ behind his back.”
“Besides,” Jamie said, shooting Tony a dirty look. “Even if we all make it, it’s not like they’re going to let us be on a team together. You’re not going to get your own command at First Lieutenant, Nelson. And Tony and I will probably end up working in the labs for the first few years.”
Nelson felt his mood plummet. “Yeah, I know.” He glanced at both of them. “It doesn’t mean we’ll never be on a team together though.” He grinned mischievously. “And doesn’t mean we can’t have plenty of fun right now.” He suddenly aimed his paint gun at Tony and sent a blue ball of paint into his chest with a wet thwack!
“Oh, you bastard! That hurt!” Tony swung his gun up and sent a paintball into Nelson’s thigh.
“Die, male scum!” Jamie sprayed them both with bright pink paint.
**
“We could have stayed for a beer.” Jamie pouted.
Nelson grimaced. “With those idiots? Forget it.” He dropped his duffel bag of gear onto the floor of his dorm room.
Tony dropped his right on top of Nelson’s and then launched himself onto Nelson’s bed, bouncing there a moment before he had to shove his glasses back up onto his nose again. “We really should try to get along with the rest of them, Nelson. They might be watching our backs someday.”
“They had their chance, and they decided they didn’t like me.” Nelson cringed at the whiny sound of his own voice.
“That’s because you’re so obsessed with SG-1, you freak them all out.” Jamie dragged one of his pillows down onto the floor and kicked her boots off, leaning back against his night table.
“I’m not that obsessed.” Nelson started digging through a drawer on his desk.
“Dude, you tried to get Craig Collins to paint a sigil on his forehead!”
Jamie laughed with Tony. “Oh, man! And then he pantsed you in the mess that night. That was hilarious!”
Nelson winced. Craig Collins was a former Air Force football recruit. He was big and muscular and he shaved his head nearly bald. He really would have made a perfect Teal’c, but unfortunately he hadn’t been very open to playing his part. But no matter, Nelson was pretty sure that once he got his own team to command, he’d probably be assigned his very own scary alien. “Craig Collins can go fuck himself.”
Jamie snorted. “I’d pay to see that.”
Nelson smiled and held up the videotape he’d finally found. “Well, how about this instead?”
Jamie narrowed her eyes in curiosity. “What’s that?”
Nelson puffed up his chest proudly. “It’s SG-1.”
Tony sat up on the bed. “It’s what?!”
Nelson grinned. “It’s SG-1! On downtime at the base.”
Jamie and Tony glanced uneasily at each other, and Jamie studied him nervously. “Dude… where did you get that? Is it even legal for us to have that?”
“What are they doing?” Tony asked.
Nelson basked in the attention. Finally, some respect. “I traded for it. And I haven’t watched it yet.”
Jamie looked seriously worried now. “Traded what? With who?”
Nelson chewed the inside of lip speculatively. How much should he tell them?
“Nelson…” Tony began.
Well, they were his team after all. SG-1 had a bond so close that there were actual jokes out there about them having orgies off world, and his team would be just the same. “There’s this underground chat room I go to where a few of us talk about the stargate and SG-1. This guy, felgar278, actually works at the SGC. He traded me this tape for Major Carter’s cap… um, which I sort of took when she left it at the simulation last week.”
“Dude! You took her hat?”
“This guy is really into her! He said there was this security camera on base in Colonel O’Neill’s room that he was supposed to disable because O’Neill didn’t want it on, so he pretended to do it and disabled the lights and motion, but left it working so he could still tape! He says the guy rarely uses the room, but he was in there last week. And he’d trade me straight up for it!”
Jamie made a face at him. “That’s, uh… sort of creepy, Nelson.”
Nelson stared at her. “What? So you’re not at all curious about what might be on this tape?”
She wavered. “I didn’t say that. I just said… it is creepy, dude.”
Tony sat forward. “Hey, maybe all those jokes about orgies are true! Maybe they’re totally having sex!”
Jamie shot him a sardonic glance. “Oh, please, dork. They’re like… normal people. They aren’t fucking each other.”
“I don’t know,” Nelson said slowly. He loved to get Jamie riled up. “Stranger things have happened on teams. And they’re all pretty hot.”
Jamie leveled her gaze on him. “And if they are? Then what? You’re going to insist we have a big ole orgy so we can be just like them?”
Nelson blew out a laugh. “Yeah. You wish.”
Jamie rolled her eyes. “Oh, just put it in already.”
Tony and Nelson glanced at each other in disbelief and then dissolved in laughter. Jamie looked stunned for a moment and then reddened. She pulled a pillow over her face. “Shut up, you freaks!” she commanded, her voice muffled.
Nelson crawled over and slid the tape into his VCR. He only had a 13” TV, but he didn’t watch much anyway in his room. He usually went to the common room of the dorms. The screen stayed black and then flickered a bit. He slid back to lean up against his bed. Suddenly there was movement on the screen and the camera focused a bit. The film was grainy but a light went on, and you could plainly see the bottom half of a standard military bed along with several pieces of dimly lit furniture.
Colonel O’Neill walked into the picture. The video was dark, but the silver hair at the temples gave him away. He leaned against the desk, reaching down to unlace his boots. Nelson squinted at the screen nervously. What if this was just a whole tape of the Colonel sleeping? The internet guy said he hadn’t watched the tape because he wasn’t interested in O’Neill.
“Oh, goodie! The Colonel’s getting naked!” Jamie flashed them a grin. Her grin turned to shock as O’Neill’s voice came through the tinny speaker of Nelson’s TV.
“Carter, lock the door. It was too close last time.”
They all glanced at each other in disbelief, and then fixed their gazes back on the screen.
Sam Carter walked into the picture, hands working the buttons on her BDU shirt. O’Neill finished removing his boots, and he grabbed her head as she worked, bringing her mouth to his. A moment later, Daniel Jackson walked into frame, already peeling the shirt from his torso.
The surprise was almost palpable in Nelson’s room.
“Holy shit!” Tony exclaimed.
“Oh my God!” Jamie scooted forward, face fixed in amazement.
They watched silently as the three began methodically stripping.
“What about Teal’c?” Daniel asked. O’Neill gave an answer, but it was only a murmur through the low quality microphone built into the camera.
Whatever the answer, it signaled the end of the conversation and the beginning of the long, low groans. A rousing bout of foreplay that had Daniel lifting Sam onto the desk and then sinking down to kneel between her legs, faded into a tangle of bodies on the small military bed.
Nelson shifted uneasily as the fly of his trousers grew tighter. The sounds they were making… Jesus. He tightened his jaw as, onscreen, Jackson sprawled on the bed and Carter kneeled on the floor and bent over his lap. O’Neill moved fluidly behind her, panting into her neck.
“I am in so much trouble,” Nelson whispered forlornly, still entranced.
“But this is so worth it,” Jamie replied. Nelson and Tony could only nod in agreement.
Thirty minutes later, the camera was focused on three pairs of legs wound together on top of the blankets as the threesome murmured to each other and languished together, slowly dropping off to sleep, soft snores coming through on the audio track.
Without continued motion, the camera clicked off.
There was silence in Nelson’s room until Tony cleared his throat nervously.
“So… wow,” Jamie said. She glanced at both of them.
“Yeah.” Nelson swallowed hard. He fiddled awkwardly with the remote for the VCR.
“That was fucking hot!” Tony suddenly proclaimed.
“Well… yeah!” Jamie agreed. She grinned.
Nelson felt the breath he’d been holding leak out in relief. “I thought they were only jokes, I mean… holy crap.”
“So…” Tony began; he arched his eyebrows and grinned at them, fingers shoving the glasses up again.
“So?” Nelson looked at him curiously.
“We’re a team, right?” Tony glanced at Jamie.
She hesitated a moment and then glanced at Nelson. “That’s true. Just like SG-1.”
Nelson stared at both of them. Jamie slid closer, and Tony gazed at him expectantly. Nelson opened his mouth and hesitated. Just like SG-1. “Oh, hell yeah!”
He grunted as he was suddenly buried beneath two science geeks. Ohhh… damn! And people thought he was obsessed with SG-1 before…
~end~
And I tried to do crackfic, but I don't think this is it. I think this is- what's it called? -POV fic.
What do SG-1 groupies talk about to each other? I mean, the ones who aren't like Felger. Do you suppose they go home together, dress up as SG-1, and have amazing sex? Who knows...
And then I did insta-fic. With no beta, who surely would have called Shenanigans on me, but...
Fanboy Crack
By Jennghis
**
First Lieutenant Nelson Ward glanced down in surprise at the splash of bright green paint on his chest. He jerked his head up and glared at the woman who’d just jumped out from behind the tree. “Goddamn it, Jamie. I called time-out!”
Jamie, defiant pain in the ass that she was, simply smirked at him. “There’s no time-outs when you’re fighting aliens, Ward.”
Nelson gritted his teeth. “You’re supposed to call me Lieutenant Ward, Doctor Cristiano!”
Jamie rolled her eyes then lifted her head and called out. “Come on out, Tony. Lieutenant Ward is getting all pissy again!”
A skinny, bespectacled young man suddenly stepped out from a pile of tires. He gave a snort of laughter as he walked toward them, stripping the safety goggles from his head and straightening his glasses. “Dude, you have got to get over this power trip you’re on.”
Nelson bit back the snarky reply in the back of this throat. These were the last two cadets who’d have anything to do with him anymore. He couldn’t afford to fuck it up. He gestured with his paint gun. “Look, there has to be a specific chain of command on an SGC team! Look at SG-1. Colonel O’Neill is in charge and Major Carter knows that! Dr. Jackson and Teal’c give him the respect he deserves!”
Tony gave him a dry look. “Yeah, you’re hardly Jack O’Neill, Nelson.”
“I’ll say,” Jamie exclaimed. “Even though you did try to dye your hair gray that one time.” She huffed out a laugh, drawing a grin from Tony.
Nelson ignored them. He’d tried to make Jamie dye her hair blond too, but she’d had none of it. Her complexion was nearly olive, so he guessed she would have looked pretty odd. Luckily for him Tony was the typical geek when it came to astro-physics. So he still had one really hot female archeologist and one really dorky scientist on his team, even if they were opposite of SG-1 in degrees.
“SG-1 are legendary because they work together so well,” Nelson protested. Why did he always have to remind them of this?
“You are such an SG-1 fanboy!” Tony shoved his glasses up again and smirked.
“Like you’re not?” Nelson pushed back a bit. “When Major Carter helped with our simulations last weekend, you had a freakin’ woody the entire time!”
Tony lost the smile. “I did not!”
Jamie looked almost ecstatic in her joy. “That was for Major Carter? I thought it was for Dr. Jackson!”
“What the hell are you guys doing staring at my crotch anyway?” Tony tried to turn it back on them.
“Like we could miss it,” Nelson snorted.
“Oh, and what? Like you weren’t just as bad? I thought you were going to hump O’Neill’s leg for a moment there when he said you did a good job during the ambush simulation!” Jamie was nearly crowing now.
Tony turned on her. “At least we weren’t so lovestruck over Dr. Jackson that we didn’t hear the Colonel give us an order.”
Jamie turned sullen. “I was… distracted. That’s all.”
“Dude, you were so about to cream your pants when Jackson put his hand on your shoulder.”
“I was not, and that’s disgusting, asshat.”
“Please,” Tony replied sarcastically. “You’re the one who calls Colonel Makepeace a ‘sexist twat’ behind his back.”
“Besides,” Jamie said, shooting Tony a dirty look. “Even if we all make it, it’s not like they’re going to let us be on a team together. You’re not going to get your own command at First Lieutenant, Nelson. And Tony and I will probably end up working in the labs for the first few years.”
Nelson felt his mood plummet. “Yeah, I know.” He glanced at both of them. “It doesn’t mean we’ll never be on a team together though.” He grinned mischievously. “And doesn’t mean we can’t have plenty of fun right now.” He suddenly aimed his paint gun at Tony and sent a blue ball of paint into his chest with a wet thwack!
“Oh, you bastard! That hurt!” Tony swung his gun up and sent a paintball into Nelson’s thigh.
“Die, male scum!” Jamie sprayed them both with bright pink paint.
**
“We could have stayed for a beer.” Jamie pouted.
Nelson grimaced. “With those idiots? Forget it.” He dropped his duffel bag of gear onto the floor of his dorm room.
Tony dropped his right on top of Nelson’s and then launched himself onto Nelson’s bed, bouncing there a moment before he had to shove his glasses back up onto his nose again. “We really should try to get along with the rest of them, Nelson. They might be watching our backs someday.”
“They had their chance, and they decided they didn’t like me.” Nelson cringed at the whiny sound of his own voice.
“That’s because you’re so obsessed with SG-1, you freak them all out.” Jamie dragged one of his pillows down onto the floor and kicked her boots off, leaning back against his night table.
“I’m not that obsessed.” Nelson started digging through a drawer on his desk.
“Dude, you tried to get Craig Collins to paint a sigil on his forehead!”
Jamie laughed with Tony. “Oh, man! And then he pantsed you in the mess that night. That was hilarious!”
Nelson winced. Craig Collins was a former Air Force football recruit. He was big and muscular and he shaved his head nearly bald. He really would have made a perfect Teal’c, but unfortunately he hadn’t been very open to playing his part. But no matter, Nelson was pretty sure that once he got his own team to command, he’d probably be assigned his very own scary alien. “Craig Collins can go fuck himself.”
Jamie snorted. “I’d pay to see that.”
Nelson smiled and held up the videotape he’d finally found. “Well, how about this instead?”
Jamie narrowed her eyes in curiosity. “What’s that?”
Nelson puffed up his chest proudly. “It’s SG-1.”
Tony sat up on the bed. “It’s what?!”
Nelson grinned. “It’s SG-1! On downtime at the base.”
Jamie and Tony glanced uneasily at each other, and Jamie studied him nervously. “Dude… where did you get that? Is it even legal for us to have that?”
“What are they doing?” Tony asked.
Nelson basked in the attention. Finally, some respect. “I traded for it. And I haven’t watched it yet.”
Jamie looked seriously worried now. “Traded what? With who?”
Nelson chewed the inside of lip speculatively. How much should he tell them?
“Nelson…” Tony began.
Well, they were his team after all. SG-1 had a bond so close that there were actual jokes out there about them having orgies off world, and his team would be just the same. “There’s this underground chat room I go to where a few of us talk about the stargate and SG-1. This guy, felgar278, actually works at the SGC. He traded me this tape for Major Carter’s cap… um, which I sort of took when she left it at the simulation last week.”
“Dude! You took her hat?”
“This guy is really into her! He said there was this security camera on base in Colonel O’Neill’s room that he was supposed to disable because O’Neill didn’t want it on, so he pretended to do it and disabled the lights and motion, but left it working so he could still tape! He says the guy rarely uses the room, but he was in there last week. And he’d trade me straight up for it!”
Jamie made a face at him. “That’s, uh… sort of creepy, Nelson.”
Nelson stared at her. “What? So you’re not at all curious about what might be on this tape?”
She wavered. “I didn’t say that. I just said… it is creepy, dude.”
Tony sat forward. “Hey, maybe all those jokes about orgies are true! Maybe they’re totally having sex!”
Jamie shot him a sardonic glance. “Oh, please, dork. They’re like… normal people. They aren’t fucking each other.”
“I don’t know,” Nelson said slowly. He loved to get Jamie riled up. “Stranger things have happened on teams. And they’re all pretty hot.”
Jamie leveled her gaze on him. “And if they are? Then what? You’re going to insist we have a big ole orgy so we can be just like them?”
Nelson blew out a laugh. “Yeah. You wish.”
Jamie rolled her eyes. “Oh, just put it in already.”
Tony and Nelson glanced at each other in disbelief and then dissolved in laughter. Jamie looked stunned for a moment and then reddened. She pulled a pillow over her face. “Shut up, you freaks!” she commanded, her voice muffled.
Nelson crawled over and slid the tape into his VCR. He only had a 13” TV, but he didn’t watch much anyway in his room. He usually went to the common room of the dorms. The screen stayed black and then flickered a bit. He slid back to lean up against his bed. Suddenly there was movement on the screen and the camera focused a bit. The film was grainy but a light went on, and you could plainly see the bottom half of a standard military bed along with several pieces of dimly lit furniture.
Colonel O’Neill walked into the picture. The video was dark, but the silver hair at the temples gave him away. He leaned against the desk, reaching down to unlace his boots. Nelson squinted at the screen nervously. What if this was just a whole tape of the Colonel sleeping? The internet guy said he hadn’t watched the tape because he wasn’t interested in O’Neill.
“Oh, goodie! The Colonel’s getting naked!” Jamie flashed them a grin. Her grin turned to shock as O’Neill’s voice came through the tinny speaker of Nelson’s TV.
“Carter, lock the door. It was too close last time.”
They all glanced at each other in disbelief, and then fixed their gazes back on the screen.
Sam Carter walked into the picture, hands working the buttons on her BDU shirt. O’Neill finished removing his boots, and he grabbed her head as she worked, bringing her mouth to his. A moment later, Daniel Jackson walked into frame, already peeling the shirt from his torso.
The surprise was almost palpable in Nelson’s room.
“Holy shit!” Tony exclaimed.
“Oh my God!” Jamie scooted forward, face fixed in amazement.
They watched silently as the three began methodically stripping.
“What about Teal’c?” Daniel asked. O’Neill gave an answer, but it was only a murmur through the low quality microphone built into the camera.
Whatever the answer, it signaled the end of the conversation and the beginning of the long, low groans. A rousing bout of foreplay that had Daniel lifting Sam onto the desk and then sinking down to kneel between her legs, faded into a tangle of bodies on the small military bed.
Nelson shifted uneasily as the fly of his trousers grew tighter. The sounds they were making… Jesus. He tightened his jaw as, onscreen, Jackson sprawled on the bed and Carter kneeled on the floor and bent over his lap. O’Neill moved fluidly behind her, panting into her neck.
“I am in so much trouble,” Nelson whispered forlornly, still entranced.
“But this is so worth it,” Jamie replied. Nelson and Tony could only nod in agreement.
Thirty minutes later, the camera was focused on three pairs of legs wound together on top of the blankets as the threesome murmured to each other and languished together, slowly dropping off to sleep, soft snores coming through on the audio track.
Without continued motion, the camera clicked off.
There was silence in Nelson’s room until Tony cleared his throat nervously.
“So… wow,” Jamie said. She glanced at both of them.
“Yeah.” Nelson swallowed hard. He fiddled awkwardly with the remote for the VCR.
“That was fucking hot!” Tony suddenly proclaimed.
“Well… yeah!” Jamie agreed. She grinned.
Nelson felt the breath he’d been holding leak out in relief. “I thought they were only jokes, I mean… holy crap.”
“So…” Tony began; he arched his eyebrows and grinned at them, fingers shoving the glasses up again.
“So?” Nelson looked at him curiously.
“We’re a team, right?” Tony glanced at Jamie.
She hesitated a moment and then glanced at Nelson. “That’s true. Just like SG-1.”
Nelson stared at both of them. Jamie slid closer, and Tony gazed at him expectantly. Nelson opened his mouth and hesitated. Just like SG-1. “Oh, hell yeah!”
He grunted as he was suddenly buried beneath two science geeks. Ohhh… damn! And people thought he was obsessed with SG-1 before…
~end~
And I tried to do crackfic, but I don't think this is it. I think this is- what's it called? -POV fic.