Alive.
Today I felt light, lighter than I have in a week. A burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and it feels good.
I wrote to him, telling him how I felt incredibly confused and a bit rejected. I half didn't expect an answer, half hoped he would be all 'what are you talking about? Let's meet tonight.'
I was half surprised.
Sorry, you will probably never know exactly why for to be honest, but something like better now than later. I am not writing back because i feel i owe it to you, but because you deserve it; which is much more than i can say for most girls i have ever talked to.
I wasn't sure how I should have felt. Did he just give me the 'You wouldn't understand, its not you, its me' brush off? I mean, sure, he's had a hard life, but he's made it hard for himself- his parents both have Ph.D's, he drives a really nice car and is in a band. He really doesn't have much going for him in the Angry-at-the-World department. But I know that there are things that I really couldn't understand people who sit across me on a day-to-day basis; none of us really know what is going on in each other's minds.
So I didn't get angry, or upset. I just felt this amazing relief flood over me. I realised I hadn't been entirely myself around him. Not really consciously, I didn't wake up and say 'okay, I'm going to keep certain parts of myself hidden now.' But it was inevitable, I am young, and I want to find someone who likes me. But I do feel that I am so strange that no one around here would appreciate me, so I do tone it down when it is helpful. I'll find someone, I am sure of it. I am only twenty, I am leaving in two months, I'm tall, I'm thin, I've got a not-displeasing face, and I will not be anyone other than me, ever.
But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't totally go apeshit over another six-foot-something with blue eyes and an adorable smile. But that's okay. This was fun, while it lasted.