stress to the max
got home at 4, got ready for dance and left at 4:30... danced from 5-around 9...
i stayed late to practice a part of my dance by myself... youd think i would be proud of myself for doing that... but for some reason it set me off back into that dark area ive been to so many times before...
i just kept doing those steps over and over and over... i had to leave the room before i started crying right there...
i felt so lost. so alone. so hopeless. i kept thinking 'why am i here?'. i feel like i dont belong there... i feel so looked down upon... so un-special...
i watch the other girls dance and i see how mr peter just lights up... but i feel like he doesnt see me that way... i feel like he sees me as a poor lost soul... a chubby one at that...
i just cant get out of my mind how before i moved up to my dream and goal level 5 three years ago, he told me that i need to loose weight. i can never get that out of my head. never. ive hurt myself for what he said to me... hes changed me in this dark twisted way. i feel like ever since that moment, my life came crashing to pieces. being moved up was what i had been working soo hard at... i had been anticipating the moment for so long... but when he told me about my weight.. i could hardly even smile for my accomplishment... i went home and just cried. i cried and ripped at my clothing... i hated myself. i hated him. i hated ballet.
ever since then, i break down. i just feel so worthless... dancing used to make me so happy. but it is just tearing me up inside. i feel like such an unimportant component to the whole studio. im no role model to the younger girls who strive just like i once did to be where i am today...
i hate being here again... this is a bad place to be right now with the performances 2 weeks away.
why?
i stayed late to practice a part of my dance by myself... youd think i would be proud of myself for doing that... but for some reason it set me off back into that dark area ive been to so many times before...
i just kept doing those steps over and over and over... i had to leave the room before i started crying right there...
i felt so lost. so alone. so hopeless. i kept thinking 'why am i here?'. i feel like i dont belong there... i feel so looked down upon... so un-special...
i watch the other girls dance and i see how mr peter just lights up... but i feel like he doesnt see me that way... i feel like he sees me as a poor lost soul... a chubby one at that...
i just cant get out of my mind how before i moved up to my dream and goal level 5 three years ago, he told me that i need to loose weight. i can never get that out of my head. never. ive hurt myself for what he said to me... hes changed me in this dark twisted way. i feel like ever since that moment, my life came crashing to pieces. being moved up was what i had been working soo hard at... i had been anticipating the moment for so long... but when he told me about my weight.. i could hardly even smile for my accomplishment... i went home and just cried. i cried and ripped at my clothing... i hated myself. i hated him. i hated ballet.
ever since then, i break down. i just feel so worthless... dancing used to make me so happy. but it is just tearing me up inside. i feel like such an unimportant component to the whole studio. im no role model to the younger girls who strive just like i once did to be where i am today...
i hate being here again... this is a bad place to be right now with the performances 2 weeks away.
why?