Trying to find Peace when Chaos is all consuming.
I can't believe it. Why am I so surprised that she would be asking to see me? Sure, we were close when we were little but we got older and grew apart. I started feeling closer to her when she first got sick almost a year and a half ago. She came to more family gatherings and I watched as her condition worsened. It's been painful to see this part of life. I don't like it, I can't handle it and it's not fair.
I didn't say goodbye to Papa because I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough. Having his memories is all that I have now. I don't know if I regret not saying bye to him but I know that I would regret not saying bye to Ashley. No ones life should end at 22 years old and I need to be there for her. She's become the bravest person I know - fighting for her life and never giving up hope. I am such a weak person in comparison. Not seeing her would make me a coward and disgracefully selfish. I need to face my fears and be with the people I love most, even if it hurts. Mom said my presence will bring Ashley some peace and comfort. I can only hope.
With my Mom and my Nana by my side, we can heal each other and lift each other up. Faith, hope and love is all we have left.
"Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: if I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problems around us, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and feel peace."
Today I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.
I didn't say goodbye to Papa because I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough. Having his memories is all that I have now. I don't know if I regret not saying bye to him but I know that I would regret not saying bye to Ashley. No ones life should end at 22 years old and I need to be there for her. She's become the bravest person I know - fighting for her life and never giving up hope. I am such a weak person in comparison. Not seeing her would make me a coward and disgracefully selfish. I need to face my fears and be with the people I love most, even if it hurts. Mom said my presence will bring Ashley some peace and comfort. I can only hope.
With my Mom and my Nana by my side, we can heal each other and lift each other up. Faith, hope and love is all we have left.
"Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: if I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problems around us, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and feel peace."
Today I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.