i can't shake this little feeling
i was a mess today.
a crying and dreary little mess.
no matter how hard i tried to distract myself,
my mind would only focus on the bad things.
i even went to church this morning.
thought it would make me feel better.
but since i couldn't give a rats ass about the sermon,
it seemed as if God decided to curse me with depression for the day.
i just couldn't stop thinking about all the awful shit that's been happening.
to my family.
and all the factors in life that i've failed miserably at.
no job,
no school,
no hobby.
my ridiculous self-conscious issues that never fail to put me down in the dumps.
and to add to my papa disintegrating from cancer,
my 20-year-old cousin Ashley had a stroke last week.
they found a large brain tumor.
there's a very small percentage she'll survive.
luckily i was able to see Ashley at my cousin, Jonalin's baby shower.
it was a very bittersweet event.
when you walked into the room you could immediately sense the melancholy.
Ashley's smile was lopsided from the effect of her stroke.
poor girl was so drugged out she didn't seem like she'll ever be herself anymore.
she moved slowly, but it was good to see her eat and make jokes.
she's one of the bravest girls i know.
i wish i didn't get stressed out and overwhelmed so easily.
my papa prays when he feels that way.
if it releases his anxiety, it must help me too.
but today was the worst i've felt in a long time.
i make a poor habit of suppressing my feelings
i don't realize it, then the next thing i know i'm falling to pieces.
/ / / / / / / / /
there's so much weight on my shoulders right now.
but at the end of the day, i need to remember what i do have that's good in my life.
my family and their unconditional love for me.
and my best friend.
who graciously puts up with me.
who accepts and loves me with all my flaws and quirks.
who gives me strength when i feel weak.
when all is said and done,
i'm a lucky girl.
a crying and dreary little mess.
no matter how hard i tried to distract myself,
my mind would only focus on the bad things.
i even went to church this morning.
thought it would make me feel better.
but since i couldn't give a rats ass about the sermon,
it seemed as if God decided to curse me with depression for the day.
i just couldn't stop thinking about all the awful shit that's been happening.
to my family.
and all the factors in life that i've failed miserably at.
no job,
no school,
no hobby.
my ridiculous self-conscious issues that never fail to put me down in the dumps.
and to add to my papa disintegrating from cancer,
my 20-year-old cousin Ashley had a stroke last week.
they found a large brain tumor.
there's a very small percentage she'll survive.
luckily i was able to see Ashley at my cousin, Jonalin's baby shower.
it was a very bittersweet event.
when you walked into the room you could immediately sense the melancholy.
Ashley's smile was lopsided from the effect of her stroke.
poor girl was so drugged out she didn't seem like she'll ever be herself anymore.
she moved slowly, but it was good to see her eat and make jokes.
she's one of the bravest girls i know.
i wish i didn't get stressed out and overwhelmed so easily.
my papa prays when he feels that way.
if it releases his anxiety, it must help me too.
but today was the worst i've felt in a long time.
i make a poor habit of suppressing my feelings
i don't realize it, then the next thing i know i'm falling to pieces.
/ / / / / / / / /
there's so much weight on my shoulders right now.
but at the end of the day, i need to remember what i do have that's good in my life.
my family and their unconditional love for me.
and my best friend.
who graciously puts up with me.
who accepts and loves me with all my flaws and quirks.
who gives me strength when i feel weak.
when all is said and done,
i'm a lucky girl.