Bad day.. lets vent :(
Okay, so many doors are closing in my life right now, so I think it's time to vent about everything. I was soo depressed today! I need to release my feelings, but before I do, lets go back a couple of months were everything started... okay.... In August, my college life was off to a great start. First of all, my beloved stepsister, Stacy, moved in with my Mom and I to start attending Edison college to get her associates degree in Radiology. She'd be here with us for the next two years and my Mom and I were both so happy to have her around. She lifted the mood around the house as she's always smiling and laughing. On top of all that, I had a perfect boyfriend, Mark. I felt so in love with him and he always made me happy and did EVERYTHING for me. Anything and everything I wanted, he'd always do for me. I knew he was "the one" for me, although, deep down I still had a slight crush on my high school friend, Beau. Well, as the weeks progressed and soon turned into months, my life became stressful and hectic as I dealt with 5 overwhelming classes during the week, and worked my ass off all weekend at PETsMART. I didn't understand anything going on in Algebra cuz I had a sucky professor and I kept repeatedly failing important Biology tests (they were 60% of the final grade)! I began to see less and less of Mark, and I felt a slight decrease of my feelings for him, but in my heart I didn't want to believe it. Weeks kept progressing, and I became very angry and stressed over all my work. I came home and cried my eyes out somedays and felt like a failure. My feelings dropped to the lowest low for Mark. When we were together, I didn't want to kiss, touch, or hug him. I knew this was a bad sign, but I kept the relationship going and I figured my feelings would come back. Soon, I realized that nothing would help the relationship. I didn't even want to make an effort to see him anymore and I started taking my anger out on him. (At this point, I knew something had to be done) Well, I did something pretty bad.. Mark and I had this trip planned to go to Busch Gardens on October 23rd for the big Howl o Scream event. I wanted to break up with him sooo bad, but I couldn't do it before this trip, cuz I knew he'd cancel out on me and I really wanted to go! So, that day came around and we took the trip together. I was happy to be a Busch Gardens, but unhappy with Mark. This is the night I knew I had to break up with him very soon. He was sooo clingy on me, and I didn't give any affection back. I knew he could tell something was up, but he kept clinging on to me. It felt like he was hanging for dear life onto me so I wouldn't break up with him. He spent the night with me that night, but he ended up sleeping in my stepsister's room (Stacy was gone on a trip that weekend.) I figured the next morning, he'd want to talk to me about what was wrong with me, but he was perfectly fine in the morning, like he didn't have a clue! I was like WHAT????? The next week at school, I made a big decision to drop the Biology class, because I knew I wouldn't pass it. I dropped Bio, and then the next day, I dropped Mark. He wasn't happy.. he wanted to be friends at first, but then decided he didn't want to talk to me for awhile. I accepted this... So, here's where my life goes up the rollercoaster..... A couple days after Mark and I broke up, I started talking A LOT to my friend, Beau (who now lives in Ft.Lauderdale) I was SOOOOOO ECSTATIC when he asked me out on a date for when he came home on Thanksgiving vacation!!! I was soo excited. We then started talking on the phone night after night flirting like crazy. The next few weeks my stepsister brought some vodka and drink mix home. We got drunk as hell and laughed our asses off! It was soo entertaining as we did stupid and funny shit around the house. Our lives and classes seemed to be going great. (Although Stacy was concerned about how she was doing bad in one of her classes, but I knew she wouldn't give up and she'd pass through this semester... just in case she DID fail out, she applied to a school back in SC for the spring semester, so she had a backup plan ready.) When the Thursday of Veterans Day came around, Beau invited me to come out to Ft.Lauderdale to see him. I was soo excited and nervous! This was the first time I took a big trip by myself. When I got there, I was in heaven with him all day. We went out to the beach, flirted around, watched a movie, and for the last 4 hours I was there, we stayed in his room. (I think you can figure out the rest :) We made a decision to try this long distance relationship out. I was SOOOO HAPPY! I also LOVED Ft.Lauderdale from what I had seen that day! I was in HEAVEN! For the next week, he was the only thing on my mind! The Saturday after that past Thursday with Beau, my life began the steep decline of the rollercoaster. I was at work having a great day until I received a message to call my Mom back because my stepsister, Stacy was being rushed to the ER. I was so scared cuz I didn't know what was going on. I remember we had to been shit faced drunk the night before, but didn't think it had anything to do with that. When I finally got in touch with my Mom later on that night, they found a huge blood clot in Stacy's leg. They had it contained so she was going to be okay but she'd have to spend the next week or so in the hospital. I went and visited her every day that week. When Wednesday came around, Mark and I were slightly talking again so I invited him to go with me to see Stacy in the hospital. On the drive home, I felt kinda bad because I was with Mark and I knew he was still heartbroken about me, and in my mind I was thinking about Beau, Beau and MORE Beau. When I got home, Mark left and went home and then I called my sweet Beau. Oh, I was in for a BIG shock. Beau's first words to me were, "Alex, I've been thinking about things lately, and I really like you so much, but I just can't do this long distance relationship." I felt like my body was going to collapse. I could barely decipher what he had just said to me. When we got off the phone, my body was in shock, but I knew deep down that I agreed with him. I needed to not be in a long distance relationship because things kept running through my mind, like what if he cheats on me? What if he finds someone else? and I was afraid I'd find someone over here and end up cheating on him. I was just soooooooo disappointed because I liked him SO much! He said he still liked me and he'd keep in touch with me and we'd go out when he came home. I had hopes but then again I wasn't sure. My Mom sympathized with me and gave me a big hug that night, and then I called Stacy at the hospital and she sympathized as well. The next day I had an 8AM class and I cried ALL the way to school! When I got into class with my friend's Amy, and Cynthia, I felt better, but on the way home I cried my eyes out again. I spent the WHOLE day laying in bed watching TV and my Surivor All Stars DVD. About every 2 hours, I cried again. My really good friend, Paul came over that night and made me feel so much better, since I had not seen him since he moved to Gainsville months ago. We spent about an hour together. I was sad to see him leave, but he lifted my spirits. I had a tough weekend, and still cried a lot. Beau did keep his word and kept calling me within the next week. My sadness turned into anger about the sitution and stupid me told Mark about my whole dating dilemma with Beau. Obviously that pissed Mark off even more and he decided he didn't want to talk at all anymore. We ended up fighting off and on either on the phone or the internet. The worst news out of this whole week was that Edison was not going to let Stacy make up her missed week because of her hospital stay. That means she'd have to resort to her plan B and go back home to SC to attend the college up there for spring semester. I was SOOO sad! I didn't want her to leave! That was my best friend and all my fun! Well, Thanksgiving week came and Stacy's boyfriend, Bruce and my stepdad Danny came down from SC. We had a great week and everyone smiled and laughed. Beau was in town, and he said he wanted to spend time with me, but when he wanted to hang out, I was busy and when I wanted to hang out, he was busy. He now PROMISES me that he'll spend time with me when Christmas break comes. I hope he keeps his word. I feel as if I want to keep him liking me, but i don't wanna get too attached. I hope it works out for me. This morning was the worst. Stacy packed up all her stuff and left. Oh I'm so heartbroken to see all her stuff gone. I knew she had to do what's best for her. She says she'll re apply to Edison for next fall. I hope she does... I miss her a lot. The mood is back down in the house again, but my Mom and I will be okay :) Today I'm officially closing a door in my life. I'm saying goodbye to Mark probably for good. I don't want to be invovled in his life anymore, so from this point on, I will not make contact with him unless he wants to contact me. I'm taking him off my buddy list and taking his phone number off my phone. A part of me hopes he'll contact me to become friends in the future, but if not goodbye to you Mark Dehus and good luck at grad schoool. I hope your dreams come true..... So now here I am sitting here, it's a bittersweet moment as I said goodbye to Mark and Stacy today. I hope since these doors were closed in my life, new ones will open for me soon.