Snippets from Tricia's Journal -- Too bad I'm an asshole now...
August something 2003
Bryce and I finally talked. I apologized, and tried to smooth things out. We always said before we got back together, "You know, we've got a lot of things to work out" and it's hard to be like "Well, what are these things?" "Well, it's this this this and this, let's get right on it." You don't realize some things until they stare you in the face. But what I love about Bryce is that he will work these things out with me. I can mess up like whoa and he'll accept my apology and he'll really want to work things out with me. Any relationship I've had with anyone before him is a drop in the ocean compared to what I feel for Bryce, and how much I absolutely love him, with all of my heart. I'm learning. Because of Bryce, I've learned to be less manipulative. I communicate my feelings more, not just with him but with everyone. He's changed me in so many ways, and always for the better. Nobody has what we have with each other. The connection runs deeper than any distance between us, any phone bill. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend, forever and ever.
I've worn myself out. I'm gonna go crash. Bryce, I love you. Thank you for everything.
July something 2003
I knew something was up when I was talking to Bryce. I knew something even more was up when he pulled the "this isn't working out, we can't go much farther, we went too fast" break up on me. And I can't tell you how much my heart hurt and I can't tell you how much I cried last night. Mainly because I knew this was it, and he wouldn't tell me why. I felt like I had done something so wrong that he had just up and changed his mind about us, I felt like he had been so unhappy for the past five months. He would not tell me why, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to get so mad and I wanted to get in my car and drive forever and ever. But I had to know, and I kept saying these awful things to get the excuse out of him. I kept pushing further and further until I got what I wanted - it turns out it's not what I want anymore.
I can't even write it here. It kept me up all night last night, crying. I called Annie and told her, and she is the biggest sweetheart in the world for sitting on the phone with me forever and listening to me cry and not make sense and ramble on. I didn't have the heart to wake up Alex. I'm just that kind of person. I was sick all night, I spent more time throwing up and crying than sleeping or anything else. I went into Alex's room and I just started writing. Four or five pages of ever emotion that I was feeling right at that moment. It's more than just a breakup. I'm losing him.
And I know I'm not as strong as people say I am. I know that this is going to take away such a significant part of my soul when all is said and done, and I'll never have it back. My heart has already been broken into a million pieces and I can't recover every single piece.
My best friend. My anchor. That part of me that gets me up in the morning and puts me to bed at night. My better half. The person I love is pushing me away when we need each other the most. I have no control over my situation and I have never felt this lost.
All I can do is be here for him. I respect the fact that he doesn't want to date anymore, because he knows I still love him. All I can do is just be a good friend and be there for him, and hope that's enough.
It doesn't stop hurting. It won't ever stop hurting.
Bryce and I finally talked. I apologized, and tried to smooth things out. We always said before we got back together, "You know, we've got a lot of things to work out" and it's hard to be like "Well, what are these things?" "Well, it's this this this and this, let's get right on it." You don't realize some things until they stare you in the face. But what I love about Bryce is that he will work these things out with me. I can mess up like whoa and he'll accept my apology and he'll really want to work things out with me. Any relationship I've had with anyone before him is a drop in the ocean compared to what I feel for Bryce, and how much I absolutely love him, with all of my heart. I'm learning. Because of Bryce, I've learned to be less manipulative. I communicate my feelings more, not just with him but with everyone. He's changed me in so many ways, and always for the better. Nobody has what we have with each other. The connection runs deeper than any distance between us, any phone bill. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend, forever and ever.
I've worn myself out. I'm gonna go crash. Bryce, I love you. Thank you for everything.
July something 2003
I knew something was up when I was talking to Bryce. I knew something even more was up when he pulled the "this isn't working out, we can't go much farther, we went too fast" break up on me. And I can't tell you how much my heart hurt and I can't tell you how much I cried last night. Mainly because I knew this was it, and he wouldn't tell me why. I felt like I had done something so wrong that he had just up and changed his mind about us, I felt like he had been so unhappy for the past five months. He would not tell me why, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to get so mad and I wanted to get in my car and drive forever and ever. But I had to know, and I kept saying these awful things to get the excuse out of him. I kept pushing further and further until I got what I wanted - it turns out it's not what I want anymore.
I can't even write it here. It kept me up all night last night, crying. I called Annie and told her, and she is the biggest sweetheart in the world for sitting on the phone with me forever and listening to me cry and not make sense and ramble on. I didn't have the heart to wake up Alex. I'm just that kind of person. I was sick all night, I spent more time throwing up and crying than sleeping or anything else. I went into Alex's room and I just started writing. Four or five pages of ever emotion that I was feeling right at that moment. It's more than just a breakup. I'm losing him.
And I know I'm not as strong as people say I am. I know that this is going to take away such a significant part of my soul when all is said and done, and I'll never have it back. My heart has already been broken into a million pieces and I can't recover every single piece.
My best friend. My anchor. That part of me that gets me up in the morning and puts me to bed at night. My better half. The person I love is pushing me away when we need each other the most. I have no control over my situation and I have never felt this lost.
All I can do is be here for him. I respect the fact that he doesn't want to date anymore, because he knows I still love him. All I can do is just be a good friend and be there for him, and hope that's enough.
It doesn't stop hurting. It won't ever stop hurting.