r.i.p. sureburt (2003-2007)
I graduated from Kalamazoo College two days ago -- summa cum laude, honors in physics, proud and relieved and happy. It's been an awfully long and bumpy road, hasn't it? My friends say that the time has flown by too fast, but not me. I feel each and every year of my K education in the weight of my step, the scattered gray hairs on my head, and the mild ache in my back. I sure got my ass kicked, but I kicked a lot of ass, too. I've been looking forward to this day for so long, and now that it's come and passed, I'm not quite sure what to do. Well, that's not exactly true -- I have a better idea than most of my friends -- but I still feel a bit lonely and lost. What now?
As usual, I have a plan: I'll be spending the month of June in Kalamazoo, with weekend trips to Chicago and Los Angeles to visit friends. I have a part-time job in the physics department organizing optics equipment and -- no joke -- electrocuting ants for science. In my free time, I'm taking pictures, hanging out with friends, drinking decent wine, working out, studying physics and French, watching movies that I didn't have time for during the past four years, and napping as I see fit. After moving my worldly possessions back to Rockford, I plan to couch hop across Michigan and spend time with my best friends -- Brandon, Justin, Clif, and others. A week up at the cottage and Traverse City is probably in the cards as well. I'd like to spend a couple weeks out in New York City, where I may have the chance to get my hands on an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows as well as stay at a friend's on Fire Island. Then I'll be spending the month of August at home in Rockford with my cat, my mom, and my studies. I have to be at Stony Brook University by August 26th, and I get the feeling that nothing in this world can prepare me for graduate-level physics at a major university. I expect two years of difficult classes, semesters (!), a teacher's assistantship, and frequent weekend trips into NYC, followed by another five years of physics research and dissertation writing. I wouldn't mind doing my research at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, but I'm not holding my breath. After that, I might go into the Peace Corps and teach physics in Costa Rica, I might travel the world and do freelance photography, I might get a post-doc position at a university and toil thanklessly for years, I might move into my mother's basement, watch television, and eat junk food til the end of the world. I don't know for sure yet, but that's the general idea. I have a future.
And what to do about my past? I'm still growing out of it. I'm still shedding insecurities, breaking down mental barriers, and opening myself up to new people and ideas. I'll always be a work in progress. Earlier today, I went through Facebook and removed about fifty friends who weren't actually my friends, and tomorrow I mean to poke a good number of those who made the cut. Although I don't get to change the past, I do get to choose which parts of it I carry along into the future. Some people will be with me for the rest of my life; most will not. Much of what I've learned these past few years at K will stick with me forever: how to think for myself, cut through red tape, be proud of who I am, love and be loved, make tortilla española, lead a group of people, manage my time, cry if I feel like it, pay the cable bill, taste the difference between good and bad wine, and, I suppose, speak Spanish and do physics. Was it worth the money? Does that even matter? Maybe, maybe not.
Through this journal I've not only tried to document my personal history, but also understand my motives, relationships, and self. I have indeed come to a few conclusions... I confront problems when and where they occur, which makes some people uncomfortable. I don't give my heart out easily, but when I do, nothing is held back. And though I once thought that I only had one heart to give, I've found that I have an endless supply -- James, J.R., and Clif each have one of my hearts, as do many of my friends, and that's just how it is. I know just enough to recognize how little I actually know. I want the best for myself and my loved ones, but in the end, I'll always sacrifice my best for theirs. I am at once astute and oblivious, hard-working and lazy, stubborn and compliant, young and old, invested and disconnected, happy and sad -- a walking talking collection of contradictions. Music is life. I see things differently than most people, so many of my jokes and asides are strange and misunderstood (oh well). I want and deserve a boyfriend who will respect and love me as I respect and love him; the trick is recognizing him when I find him and not letting others distract me from that truth. I'm a lot stronger than I'll ever give myself credit for, except in my dreams, where I routinely battle dinosaurs, zombies, and petty crooks and save the world from certain destruction -- all I need is a test of will. I tend to keep people at a certain distance so I don't get rejected, but it actually does the opposite. So it goes.
I've had so much to say lately, but words seem insufficient. I had to down a large glass of merlot just to convince myself that I could end my Livejournal on a satisfying, meaningful note. I'm not sure that I'm succeeding. Perhaps somebody else could speak for me? Here's "Requiem for O.M.M.2" by Of Montreal:
When I met you I was just a kid
Hadn't built up my defenses
So I gave my heart completely
Vaseline over the lenses
Memories don't go away
I remember every day
I never ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
'Cause you've never left my mind
No you've never left my mind
I remember feeling like a ship
Whose captain was too drunk to steer
And you watched as I was sinking
Waving sadly from the pier
Memories don't go away
I remember every day
I never ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
'Cause you've never left my mind
No you've never left my mind
It's such a burden to carry around
The vestiges of dead dreams
And I don't want to make a wake out of my life
I just have to let you go
Add synths, guitars, drums, massively multi-layered vocals, and there you go. The end. So long, everybody, and take care.
Burt :)
As usual, I have a plan: I'll be spending the month of June in Kalamazoo, with weekend trips to Chicago and Los Angeles to visit friends. I have a part-time job in the physics department organizing optics equipment and -- no joke -- electrocuting ants for science. In my free time, I'm taking pictures, hanging out with friends, drinking decent wine, working out, studying physics and French, watching movies that I didn't have time for during the past four years, and napping as I see fit. After moving my worldly possessions back to Rockford, I plan to couch hop across Michigan and spend time with my best friends -- Brandon, Justin, Clif, and others. A week up at the cottage and Traverse City is probably in the cards as well. I'd like to spend a couple weeks out in New York City, where I may have the chance to get my hands on an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows as well as stay at a friend's on Fire Island. Then I'll be spending the month of August at home in Rockford with my cat, my mom, and my studies. I have to be at Stony Brook University by August 26th, and I get the feeling that nothing in this world can prepare me for graduate-level physics at a major university. I expect two years of difficult classes, semesters (!), a teacher's assistantship, and frequent weekend trips into NYC, followed by another five years of physics research and dissertation writing. I wouldn't mind doing my research at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, but I'm not holding my breath. After that, I might go into the Peace Corps and teach physics in Costa Rica, I might travel the world and do freelance photography, I might get a post-doc position at a university and toil thanklessly for years, I might move into my mother's basement, watch television, and eat junk food til the end of the world. I don't know for sure yet, but that's the general idea. I have a future.
And what to do about my past? I'm still growing out of it. I'm still shedding insecurities, breaking down mental barriers, and opening myself up to new people and ideas. I'll always be a work in progress. Earlier today, I went through Facebook and removed about fifty friends who weren't actually my friends, and tomorrow I mean to poke a good number of those who made the cut. Although I don't get to change the past, I do get to choose which parts of it I carry along into the future. Some people will be with me for the rest of my life; most will not. Much of what I've learned these past few years at K will stick with me forever: how to think for myself, cut through red tape, be proud of who I am, love and be loved, make tortilla española, lead a group of people, manage my time, cry if I feel like it, pay the cable bill, taste the difference between good and bad wine, and, I suppose, speak Spanish and do physics. Was it worth the money? Does that even matter? Maybe, maybe not.
Through this journal I've not only tried to document my personal history, but also understand my motives, relationships, and self. I have indeed come to a few conclusions... I confront problems when and where they occur, which makes some people uncomfortable. I don't give my heart out easily, but when I do, nothing is held back. And though I once thought that I only had one heart to give, I've found that I have an endless supply -- James, J.R., and Clif each have one of my hearts, as do many of my friends, and that's just how it is. I know just enough to recognize how little I actually know. I want the best for myself and my loved ones, but in the end, I'll always sacrifice my best for theirs. I am at once astute and oblivious, hard-working and lazy, stubborn and compliant, young and old, invested and disconnected, happy and sad -- a walking talking collection of contradictions. Music is life. I see things differently than most people, so many of my jokes and asides are strange and misunderstood (oh well). I want and deserve a boyfriend who will respect and love me as I respect and love him; the trick is recognizing him when I find him and not letting others distract me from that truth. I'm a lot stronger than I'll ever give myself credit for, except in my dreams, where I routinely battle dinosaurs, zombies, and petty crooks and save the world from certain destruction -- all I need is a test of will. I tend to keep people at a certain distance so I don't get rejected, but it actually does the opposite. So it goes.
I've had so much to say lately, but words seem insufficient. I had to down a large glass of merlot just to convince myself that I could end my Livejournal on a satisfying, meaningful note. I'm not sure that I'm succeeding. Perhaps somebody else could speak for me? Here's "Requiem for O.M.M.2" by Of Montreal:
When I met you I was just a kid
Hadn't built up my defenses
So I gave my heart completely
Vaseline over the lenses
Memories don't go away
I remember every day
I never ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
'Cause you've never left my mind
No you've never left my mind
I remember feeling like a ship
Whose captain was too drunk to steer
And you watched as I was sinking
Waving sadly from the pier
Memories don't go away
I remember every day
I never ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
'Cause you've never left my mind
No you've never left my mind
It's such a burden to carry around
The vestiges of dead dreams
And I don't want to make a wake out of my life
I just have to let you go
Add synths, guitars, drums, massively multi-layered vocals, and there you go. The end. So long, everybody, and take care.
Burt :)