the past is a grotesque animal
I don't know where to begin.
Although Columbia rejected me, Case Western Reserve and Stony Brook both accepted me with generous offers; I'm still waiting to hear back from the other three. I hope so hard that I'll end up in Madison or Seattle and not Cleveland or Boulder. Why are they taking so long?! I still haven't learned how to wait.
But waiting is about all I do these days. I'm waiting for my future to present itself, I'm waiting to buy a much-needed new computer, I'm waiting to disconnect myself from certain individuals, I'm waiting to get the fuck out of Kalamazoo, I'm waiting to feel ready to put myself out there again, I'm waiting to get myself a kitten to love unconditionally. Maybe I'm just waiting to start over. Only a few short months of this life are left, and I know that I should make the most of them, but I can't shake the feeling that my heart's just not in it. I want out, and I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting for it. I've been waiting since October.
Then again, this past quarter has been the easiest I've ever had at K; accordingly, it's also been the most fun. Movie nights, parties, fancy dinners, wine wine and more wine, knitting, clubbing, World of Warcraft, musical exploration, and so much photography. I really shouldn't complain. I've pretty much figured out who my real friends are -- such a shame that it's taken me til senior year to do so -- so I've enjoyed spending a lot more time with them.
One person continues to confuse and confound: Clif. I could write pages upon pages about our ridiculously complicated relationship, but it all comes down to intermittent reinforcement. I know what he's doing, but that doesn't make it any less effective. I wonder if he realizes.
I'm going to Florida for spring break with a bunch of straight guys -- should be a good time. I can't wait to lay in the sun on the beach and read, read, read. I can't wait to drink vodka tonics and whiskey sours without worry for the morning. I can't wait til K College and K Students are the very last thing on my mind. Fortunately, we leave on Friday. If only everything would change while I'm away.
Although Columbia rejected me, Case Western Reserve and Stony Brook both accepted me with generous offers; I'm still waiting to hear back from the other three. I hope so hard that I'll end up in Madison or Seattle and not Cleveland or Boulder. Why are they taking so long?! I still haven't learned how to wait.
But waiting is about all I do these days. I'm waiting for my future to present itself, I'm waiting to buy a much-needed new computer, I'm waiting to disconnect myself from certain individuals, I'm waiting to get the fuck out of Kalamazoo, I'm waiting to feel ready to put myself out there again, I'm waiting to get myself a kitten to love unconditionally. Maybe I'm just waiting to start over. Only a few short months of this life are left, and I know that I should make the most of them, but I can't shake the feeling that my heart's just not in it. I want out, and I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting for it. I've been waiting since October.
Then again, this past quarter has been the easiest I've ever had at K; accordingly, it's also been the most fun. Movie nights, parties, fancy dinners, wine wine and more wine, knitting, clubbing, World of Warcraft, musical exploration, and so much photography. I really shouldn't complain. I've pretty much figured out who my real friends are -- such a shame that it's taken me til senior year to do so -- so I've enjoyed spending a lot more time with them.
One person continues to confuse and confound: Clif. I could write pages upon pages about our ridiculously complicated relationship, but it all comes down to intermittent reinforcement. I know what he's doing, but that doesn't make it any less effective. I wonder if he realizes.
I'm going to Florida for spring break with a bunch of straight guys -- should be a good time. I can't wait to lay in the sun on the beach and read, read, read. I can't wait to drink vodka tonics and whiskey sours without worry for the morning. I can't wait til K College and K Students are the very last thing on my mind. Fortunately, we leave on Friday. If only everything would change while I'm away.