"Tu Eres mi sueno hecho realidad"
The other nite...
I've been contemplating alot.
This entire relationship with Josue is making a big change.
And I finally changed it the other nite.
On November 14th I told him something that he's
been yearning to hear, and yet scared that i would never say it.
I've always held Lawrence at a level of "You'll never reach" love.
Like I can love you, to an extent, but i can never love you the way i love him.
But...it changed.
I love Lawrence, don't get me wrong...
But I'm finally letting go the love we had. I'll keep it in my memories and cherish them till beyond the gates of heaven...
I just can't keep it forever.
I know for a fact Lawrence would want me to love someone and love them fully.
He also knew i was scared of it.
...
It was so hard to say it, because I didn't know how to say it.
So when my lips fail me, my words on paper save me.
I wrote it on a piece of paper... Took his wallet. And put it in there...
Then thats when i saw it... the picture of his long time ex.
It was still there...
And for a split second, i almost didn't put it in it. Because i didn't want to put myself
in an area of where its not given back.
So instead, i put it on the opposing side.
The right side..(haha funny, didn't notice it till now).
It ate me alive to see her picture in there.
But i didn't say anything, i just got quiet.
Then when i walked him to his car because he was leaving my house.
i told him to give me a really good kiss.
But i was acting a little weird... and i didn't know what to say.
So when he drove off..
I texted Josephine and asked her if it was weird that he still had his ex's picture in his wallet.
It REALLY bothered me.
She said it was normal.. but if it bugged me i should say something.
....So i did.
I asked him "Is that her picture in there?"
and as soon as i sent it. I got a phone call.
My chicken ass, decided to ignore it.
But, like a repeatitve thing...he called again.
When i answered i was trying to act like nothing was wrong.
But i was far from that.
Josue asked me would i like to know why its still there.
I told him no.
and he kept asking the same question.
again, i told him no.
Finally i was like fine,
and he told me that because I held Lawrence before him,
and that it hurt him to much to think he's second to him, he kept
her picture so he can fall back on something.
that he had to stop his car, read the note over and over again because he
didn't want to comprehend it wrong. All the while his heart beating so loud he heard it.
When he finally comprehended it...
he told me that he took her picture ripped it up to shredds and threw it out the window.
.........
................. I'm still speechless.
I do love him....
and it scares the living hell out of me.
I know i can lose him in more than one way.
I guess that is what happens when you date an Army Man.
I've been contemplating alot.
This entire relationship with Josue is making a big change.
And I finally changed it the other nite.
On November 14th I told him something that he's
been yearning to hear, and yet scared that i would never say it.
I've always held Lawrence at a level of "You'll never reach" love.
Like I can love you, to an extent, but i can never love you the way i love him.
But...it changed.
I love Lawrence, don't get me wrong...
But I'm finally letting go the love we had. I'll keep it in my memories and cherish them till beyond the gates of heaven...
I just can't keep it forever.
I know for a fact Lawrence would want me to love someone and love them fully.
He also knew i was scared of it.
...
It was so hard to say it, because I didn't know how to say it.
So when my lips fail me, my words on paper save me.
I wrote it on a piece of paper... Took his wallet. And put it in there...
Then thats when i saw it... the picture of his long time ex.
It was still there...
And for a split second, i almost didn't put it in it. Because i didn't want to put myself
in an area of where its not given back.
So instead, i put it on the opposing side.
The right side..(haha funny, didn't notice it till now).
It ate me alive to see her picture in there.
But i didn't say anything, i just got quiet.
Then when i walked him to his car because he was leaving my house.
i told him to give me a really good kiss.
But i was acting a little weird... and i didn't know what to say.
So when he drove off..
I texted Josephine and asked her if it was weird that he still had his ex's picture in his wallet.
It REALLY bothered me.
She said it was normal.. but if it bugged me i should say something.
....So i did.
I asked him "Is that her picture in there?"
and as soon as i sent it. I got a phone call.
My chicken ass, decided to ignore it.
But, like a repeatitve thing...he called again.
When i answered i was trying to act like nothing was wrong.
But i was far from that.
Josue asked me would i like to know why its still there.
I told him no.
and he kept asking the same question.
again, i told him no.
Finally i was like fine,
and he told me that because I held Lawrence before him,
and that it hurt him to much to think he's second to him, he kept
her picture so he can fall back on something.
that he had to stop his car, read the note over and over again because he
didn't want to comprehend it wrong. All the while his heart beating so loud he heard it.
When he finally comprehended it...
he told me that he took her picture ripped it up to shredds and threw it out the window.
.........
................. I'm still speechless.
I do love him....
and it scares the living hell out of me.
I know i can lose him in more than one way.
I guess that is what happens when you date an Army Man.