Matchmaking for Dummies - Ch. 2
Exactly three days later, we were all at MacLaren's when Barney got the phone call that would change everything.
“…So anyway, long story short, I’m lying there, covered in whipped cream and cuffed to a tree, and of course it’s bear season. So blondie decides to go get the chocolate sauce out of the car, and-“ Barney’s phone went off, and he broke off to fish it out of his pocket. “Resume your mundane conversation for a minute, guys. Go for Barney,” he barked into the phone. “Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. As agreed. Yeah.” He snapped the phone shut, looking grim.
“Somebody from work?” Ted asked mildly.
“No, Ted, do I look like I’m trying to avert a war right now? Although I actually should have heard from Kim Jong-il by now, maybe I should give him a call…” Barney shook himself, then continued. “No, it’s much worse. It was that crazy chick Ellen from that… dating service,” he shuddered, “that you dragged me to.”
“I’m sorry, I dragged you? As I recall, the only reason I was there in the first place was because you told me your boat was sinking.”
“Wait, his boat? Since when does Barney have a boat?” Robin interjected.
“He doesn’t, it was just… he was talking so fast, and running, and I just kind of ran after him.”
“So anyway, Ellen called? Did she find your dream skank?” asked Lily.
“Lily, Lily, Lily. I don’t have a dream skank.” He made a sweeping gesture toward the bar, where a handful of women were nursing drinks. “These are all my dream skanks. Or they could be tonight, what up?” He pointed at the women one at a time. A woman in a low-cut top, “Great rack.” A younger girl in a track suit, “Great stamina.” A brunette in a pink sundress, “Well, okay, I’ve already slept with her, but still, solid B plus.”
Ted snorted. “You know, maybe Ellen had a point. One of these days, you could literally run out of girls to sleep with. Or at least have to find another bar.”
“Theodore Vivian Mosby, you bite your tongue. Just because that woman temporarily blinded me with her math and her lucky guesses, doesn’t mean she’s right. Therefore, I will go on this date Saturday night, I will nail her, never call her again, and then tell Ellen she wasn’t awesome enough and get my money back.”
Lily interjected at this point. “Okay, not to poke holes in your brilliant plan, but this girl’s going to know your real name, and probably your phone number. Isn’t that going to make it harder to blow her off?”
“Oh, Lily. First of all, Ellen doesn’t give out my phone number unless I give her the okay. Second of all, even if she does manage to track me down, I’ll just give her the Routine.”
Kids, your Uncle Barney had a very specific way of dealing with running into women he’d already slept with. He called it “the Routine.” First, he’d pretend not to remember her name.
Ted and Barney were sitting at the bar when a blonde rushed up to them. “Oh my god, Barney, hi! I haven’t heard from you in a few days, is everything okay?”
Barney turned slowly on his stool to face her and gave an obviously fake smile. “Heyyy, um, how’s it going… you?”
The girl frowned. “It’s Georgia. Don’t you remember me? We slept together three days ago. You said you wanted to buy a cat and move to the suburbs with me someday.”
Then, he’d act apologetic while actually insulting her, trying to undercut her self-esteem.
“Oh, right, Georgia! I’m so sorry, it’s just that after a while, all these bleach-blondes pushing thirty who come to MacLaren’s to hook up start to look the same to me. But no, Georgia, I totally remember you. You’re the one with that… funny little mole on your cheek.”
Georgia gave him a wounded look. “You said you liked my mole. You said it was cute.”
“Oh, I do like it! It’s great! It does a good job pulling focus from your teeth.”
Her hand went to her mouth. “What’s wrong with my teeth?”
And when she was at her most vulnerable, he’d utter the words no woman wants to hear.
“Anyway, I had a lot of fun the other night. Great running into you.” He turned back to Ted. “So like I was saying, the trick to choosing a tie is to match the color to your mood and the pattern to your intentions for the night.”
Ted watched as Georgia made sad puppy dog eyes at Barney’s back, and slowly turned away. “Yeah, um… great running into you, too. Guess I’ll see you around.”
Of course, sometimes it wasn’t that easy. So in extreme cases, Barney had one last line of defense that never failed.
Georgia was halfway out of the bar when she turned, straightening her shoulders, and marched back to where Barney was sitting. “Listen, mister bigshot afraid-of-commitment. We had a real connection the other night, and I’m not going to let you throw that away just because you’re scared by how much you care about me.”
Barney made a face and turned back toward her. “I’m gay.”
She stared. “Sorry, what?”
“Yup. Super gay. I’ve been questioning things for a while, but sleeping with you really made me realize. Because if I’m not attracted to you, then I must not be attracted to women at all.”
Georgia frowned. “But we did it three times.”
“Yeah, I’m a slow learner.”
So, that was the Routine. Somehow, it worked every time. And we’re back.
Lily sighed. “The Routine? Really? God, I know it’s no worse than what you do to get them into bed in the first place, but the Routine just always makes me sad.”
“Simple but effective, Lil, that’s what matters. Lord knows I’ll need it for whatever pathetic specimen Ellen’s dug up for me.”
(jump cut)
“Wow, so you’re… wow. Hi, I’m Barney Stinson.”
Barney’s date fixed him with a feral smile, and Barney sized her up. C cups with just the right amount of perky. Legs that went on for miles, showcased by a black dress just barely long enough to be appropriate for a nice restaurant. Hips swaying impatiently as she stood there, and if she would just turn around… as if reading his mind, she turned to pay the cabbie. Yes, there was the ass. Oh, this would be a good night.
She flipped her long blonde hair as she turned back to him with a smirk. “Hi, Barney Stinson. I’m Leia Williams.”
Barney gulped. “Wait. Leia? As in…”
Leia sighed. “Oh, God, you’re one of those. Look, Star Wars is one of the greatest movie series ever made, and at some point in the future I have a gold bikini with your name on it, but outside that context, if you ever make any comments about a certain character I share my name with, I’m gone.”
“You… you’re a 10 who loves Star Wars? Gotta give Ellen her props, the woman knows what she’s about. Next thing you’ll be telling me you play laser tag.”
“Oh, Barney Stinson. I don’t just play laser tag, I kill at laser tag. Last year, at the regional tournament, I took down that boy scout troupe so hard they probably still have laser beams coming out their asses.”
Barney goggled at her, momentarily speechless. “Wait, are you code name Vixen? I’ve heard of you. You’re incredible, your kill count, it’s just- legen… wait for it…”
“Dary.” Leia finished firmly. “I know. So, you want to go have sex or what?”
Barney grinned. “What, and miss buying you dinner, making a lot of meaningless chit-chat, staring deeply into each other’s eyes like… yeah, let’s go have sex.”
And we didn’t hear from Barney for days. Meanwhile, I still hadn’t heard from Ellen, and I was starting to get a little worried.
“She called Barney after three days. It’s been almost a week. Should I be worried?”
Lily shook her head. “Come on, Ted. She found Barney a booty call, she’s finding you a soulmate. That has to take longer.”
Robin smiled. “Yeah, no need to Ted out about it.”
“Did you just-“
Barney slid into the booth at that moment, looking decidedly un-Barney-like. His hair stuck up on one side, his tie was askew, and he wasn’t even wearing a suit jacket. “Guys, I think I’m in love.”
The entire bar went silent at those words. The entire city. The entire planet. “That’s right. I, Barney Stinson, am in love… with sex.” And, with that,
everything went back to normal.
Ted turned back to Robin. “So do you really use my name as a verb?”
Barney cut in before Robin could answer. “Yeah, we do that all the time behind your back. Ted. Focus, Ted. We’re on me now. I just had the greatest weekend of my life. No, wait, that’s not enough buildup. Okay, if I were Mr. Eli Sutra, inventor of the Kama Sutra-“
“That’s actually not-“ Ted tried to interrupt.
“-If I were Eli Sutra, this would still be the best weekend of my life. No. If I were-“
“We get it,” Ted interrupted more firmly. “Your Love Solutions girl was good in bed.”
“Good in bed? Good in bed?” Barney’s voice rose a full octave. “That’s like saying, ‘Oh, hey, Babe Ruth? He’s pretty good at baseball, I guess.’ Leia Williams puts everyone else who has ever had sex to shame. Excepting myself, of course.”
Ted found himself interested in spite of himself. “Wait, Leia? As in…”
“Oh, yeah. And let me tell you, she can do things in a gold bikini that would make Carrie Fisher curl up and weep.”
“Dude,” Ted whined. “I wanted to name my first daughter Leia.”
“Oh, please, like that name wasn’t already going to remind you of Slave Leia.”
Ted swallowed. “Okay, maybe I didn’t think that one through. What do you guys think of the name Aurra?”
Lily laughed. “Ted, even if your future wife does like those movies, she’s never going to let you name a child Aurra. That borders on child abuse.”
“Besides,” Marshall added, “you want to name her something from the prequel trilogy? Really?”
“Also, she’s not human enough to be hot,” Barney said. “Get your head in the game, Ted.”
“Well, there aren’t that many female characters! And Aurra’s pretty badass.”
“Okay, seriously?” Robin interrupted. “I would rather hear about Barney’s dream skank than listen to you all argue about Star Wars for the third time this week.”
Barney shot her a grin. “Thank you, Robin. As I was saying, Leia Williams actually rivals her namesake in terms of sheer awesomeness. There’s just… there’s one thing.”
Ted sighed. “Barney, so help me, if you try to give us a blow-by-blow of the one sexual act she failed to perform adequately…”
“Dude. I would not belittle her that way, and I am insulted you’d even ask.” He grinned. “I have videos, I’ll show you later. But no, it’s just… she was gone when I woke up this morning.”
“So what? She really is your dream skank-you had great sex and then you didn’t even have to get rid of her in the morning. Maybe you should let Ellen keep the money for a job well done.”
“No,” Barney whined, “That’s not how it’s supposed to work. We were together all weekend. I gave her moves I didn’t even know I had. She should be begging for one more ride on the B train, not sneaking out in the night like I’m some kind of mistake.”
Robin snickered. “So basically, you’re upset because she stole your M.O.”
He scoffed. “That’s… that’s not even… is it my hair? You’d tell me if it was my hair, right? What did I do wrong?”
“I hate to say it, dude,” Ted said with a grin, “but maybe she’s just not that into you.”
Barney jerked his head sharply, as if trying to dislodge a stubborn fly. “No. Not even possible. Anyway, you guys are right. Sure, Leia was great, but new is always better. I’ll just… add her to the scrapbook and move on.”
(Jump cut - 20 minutes later)
Barney slammed open the door to Ellen Pierce’s office. “Hi, Barney, what a surprise to see you, are you here to get your money back? No? You actually want the girl’s number? What an unexpected development, let me gloat for a while about my matchmaking prowess, just save it. You win, give me Leia Williams’ number. Now.”
Ellen gave a small, smug smile. “I’m sorry, honey, I can’t do that.”
“What?” Barney almost growled in frustration. “Don’t toy with me, Ellen.”
“I can only release a client’s contact information if she authorizes me to do so. Leia Williams specifically requested that her number be kept confidential. Again, I’m sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry in the least. “It seems clear that your date doesn’t want to hear from you.”
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