Battleship - Chapter 6/8
Rating: R. A few instances of stronger-than-network-TV language, and some scenes that take place in the middle of (relatively non-graphic) sex.
Pairings: Barney/Robin (of course), and Robin/Ted (since this is season 1)
Spoilers: Definitely "Zip, Zip, Zip" through "Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM," but there are references to lines and backstory revelations for the entire series, so proceed with caution.
Length: Final word count is 18,168.
Reviews: Please review, but please don't hurt me.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A Day in the Life
“Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life?”
Robin had never thought of herself as an addictive personality. Okay, cigarettes, kind of, but that wasn’t an addiction so much as something she fell back on every once in a while. Life was less interesting without a few vices.
Sex with Barney wasn’t like cigarettes. More like butterscotch and the feeling she got when she fired a Glock 18 and, well, breathing, all rolled into one. It wasn’t just fantastic, it was necessary. It was a release she couldn’t get anywhere else, and when it was taken away she didn’t know what to do with herself. She started drifting off into weird fantasies in the middle of interviewing an old man who’d peed in every public bathroom in New York, or making herself a bowl of soup, or trying on shoes with Lily. She started taking really long showers. She started going by the shooting range for hours every day after work. It didn’t help.
The worst part was, she still had to see Barney almost every night at MacLaren’s. He’d stopped putting his arm around her shoulders while he talked, but otherwise, nothing had changed. Nothing except the tingles she got every time his arm brushed against hers, which apparently he was immune to.
The worst part was, their friends didn’t even seem to notice anything was different. They all watched Ted slowly grow a beard while Barney proposed games of “Have you met Ted?” and Lily and Marshall gave him encouraging speeches about how true love was just around the corner. It was a finely practiced dance, honed over god-knows-how-many years of Ted breaking up with girls.
Meantime, it was like they’d all forgotten Barney and Robin were even a thing. And she didn’t begrudge Ted his support system, really she didn’t, but was it too much to ask for a quick “Hey, I noticed Barney hasn’t dragged you off to have sex recently”?
What was really depressing was how quickly her life settled back into its old pattern - get up, feed the dogs, go to work, go to the bar, go home alone. She’d never really had a problem with it before, but all of a sudden there was a Barney-shaped hole in her social life.
The day it all changed was pretty much the same as every other day, except for all the ways it was worse. It was career day at Lily’s school, and she and Barney had both volunteered ages ago, back when she’d half expected that they’d slip away afterwards and get it on in a tiny bathroom stall, possibly traumatizing some five-year-olds in the process. Instead, she slipped in a few minutes late and sat as far from him as possible.
Dealing with a roomful of kids without the prospect of sex afterwards was pretty bleak. It was okay as long as she could just close her eyes and give her prepared speech and pretend she was talking to a college class, but then they started asking questions.
“Do you have a fiancé?”
Not just a boyfriend, but a fiancé. And okay, it made sense if they’d just learned the word, but was there a scarier question this kid could have asked? “No, I don’t have a fiancé.” Never will, she didn’t add.
“Then who do you live with?” Robin cast a helpless glance in Barney’s direction, which the kid somehow picked up on. “Do you live with him?”
Robin did what she always did when she was this uncomfortable, and started giggling. “No! No, I… I live alone.”
“Why?”
Robin looked over at Barney again, and Barney just smiled did something ridiculously suggestive with his tongue. Then she looked at Lily, mouthing, “Save me,” but Lily folded her arms and waited for Robin to answer the question.
How to explain women’s lib to some kid who thought playing house was the best game ever? “This is career day, right? Well, I live alone because I want to focus on my career.”
The kid frowned. “You can’t do that if you live with someone?”
“Look, who are you, my mother?” Robin snapped.
That was enough to make Lily step in. “Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter. All right, our next guest is another friend...”
Barney sniggered as Robin sat down. “So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one.”
She glared at him. “Laugh all you want, you really think you’ll do a better job explaining your love life to five-year-olds?”
Barney frowned. “What’s that supposed to…”
Lily interrupted. “He has a job doing... What do you do?”
Barney did his characteristic handwave as he stood. “Please. Kids, let's rap. You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?” And then he gave them an impromptu magic show that had the whole class laughing and clapping and just generally eating out of the palm of his hand.
Magic. It was just so Barney, big and flashy and distracting his audience from anything real. And hey, Robin was almost as sucked in as everyone else. When he managed to make a little girl’s doll disappear in a burst of flames, she was on the edge of her seat, gasping and cheering and…
No. This was dumb. Robin got grilled about her personal life and Barney got a standing ovation, how was that even slightly fair? She snuck out while he was taking his third bow.
She decided what was called for, after a stressful morning, was a quick pick-me-up at MacLaren’s. Just sit at the bar, have a drink or two, shoot down a few idiots who tried to hit on her and she’d be good as new in time for work.
So naturally, she had to run into Ted.
She wasn’t sure how to act around breakup Ted. She’d half hoped that once Victoria was out of the picture he’d come running back to her, and they could pick up where they’d left off. Lingering looks, romantic subtext - in short, a dynamic where she had all the power. But no, he’d grown a beard, for crying out loud, and while she privately thought it was kind of sexy, apparently it was his signal to the world that he was temporarily off the market.
He was sitting at their usual table when she came in, and she couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if she just grabbed a drink and left. Then he spotted her, and with a sigh, she headed over to sit across from him.
“Hey, Robin.” Even when he was just saying ‘hey,’ he managed to sound exactly like Eeyore in those old Winnie the Pooh cartoons. And while the beard might be sexy, the whining definitely wasn’t.
“Ted,” she said with forced cheefulness. “Fancy running into you here.”
“Yeah, just felt like the drinking needed to start early today, you know?”
She let out a breath. “Oh, I definitely know.”
Ted straightened, his expression shifting seamlessly from mopey to concerned. “Wait, is everything okay? Did you and Barney have a fight or something?”
“Actually, Barney and I… you know what? Never mind. What’s up with you, Teddy boy?”
He sank back down in his seat. “Oh, it’s just… I broke down and called Victoria today, I know, I know, it’s stupid,” he cut her off as she made to interrupt. “Even if we were to make up, she’s still halfway across the world for a year. It just feels so unfinished, though. Like this could have been something great, and then it just ended, and I’m not quite sure why.”
Robin firmly ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. “So did you talk to her? What did she say?”
“That’s the thing. We had this really great conversation. I guess she’s loving Germany, and the fellowship’s going really well, and it doesn’t seem like she misses me at all.”
“Ted, I’m sure that’s not true.”
“Well, it sure seems that way. Anyway, that’s the problem. The best relationship I’ve been in since… well, ever… just packed up and went to Germany without me, and I’m stuck here alone. So, you work on fixing that, and I’m gonna finish my beer.”
Robin almost let herself hope, then. “Well, you guys were only together for two months.”
Ted swallowed a big gulp of beer. “True.”
“And she is in Germany.”
“Also true.”
“And she’s apparently happy in Germany.”
“Three for three.”
“Ted,” she said gently, “I think it’s pretty clear what you need to do here.” Get over her. Look up and notice the woman who’s right in from of you. Move on already.
“You’re right,” Ted said slowly.
She smiled in cautious victory. “It’s been known to happen.”
“I should go to Germany.”
“Wait, what?”
Ted stood and started pacing back and forth in front of the booth. “Robin, you’re the one who’s always talking about traveling, going where life takes you. Why can’t I do that? I can do that. Life is taking me to Germany. Today, life called me up, and said, ‘Hey, I’m in Germany! Come find me!’” Ted’s voice was almost manic. People were starting to stare.
“Ted-“
“I mean, what if Victoria’s supposed to be the mother of my children, and I’m just letting Germany steal her away?”
“Ted, you have a job here, friends, you love New York-“
“Oh, because they don’t have architects in Germany. They have buildings, don’t they? There’s - I mean, there’s - well, I can’t think of any famous German buildings right now, but there have to be some, right?”
“Ted!” He turned and really looked at her for the first time. “Sit down.” He sat. “This thing, being spontaneous, running off to a foreign country at the drop of a hat, it’s great, but it’s not you. Stop. Think a minute.”
“Yeah, but-“
“You miss her, I get it. Call her again, tell her everything you just told me. I bet you a flobbity jillion dollars that she misses you just as much. But you need to think about this, talk about it with her. Maybe go out to visit her, see if they actually have buildings in Germany.”
He was silent for a long moment, then gave her a weary smile. “Why, Robin Scherbatsky, that is sound and sage advice.”
“I try.”
He leaned back with a deep sigh. “You know, it’s funny, not so long ago, I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice about you.” She nodded tightly. “Now it’s ironic, the girl I used to like is-“
“The irony is clear, Ted,” Robin bit out. ‘The girl he used to like’? Really?
“Right. Wish me luck, I’m off to see about a girl.”
He was halfway out the door before Robin muttered under her breath, “Good luck.”
She was a bit tipsy by the time she made it to work, but come on. No one should have to deal with small children and Ted in the same day. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone watched the show anyway.
She made it through makeup all right, even had a few minutes to spare before the broadcast, which meant she was sitting making polite chit-chat with Sandy Rivers. Robin liked Sandy well enough. He was reasonably attractive in a stuffy way, and he was as much of a professional as she could expect to meet, on a show that aired right after the TV guide listings and before the test of the emergency broadcast system. Up until now, their conversations had never gone much beyond politics and the weather.
She quickly checked her phone, half-hoping Ted would have called to say ‘Just kidding, I’m not really moving to Germany for some chick I met three months ago.’ Nothing. She rubbed at her eyes, careful not to smear the mascara.
“So, Scherbatsky, got a boyfriend?”
Robin did a double take, staring at him. “I’m sorry?”
“A boyfriend. You know, a sweetheart, a main squeeze, someone you’re dying to get a text from right now.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but…” she meant to be offended, but she changed her mind mid-sentence. There was something about his directness that reminded her a little bit of Barney. And he called her Scherbatsky. Not that there wasn’t anyone else who called her by her last name, but these days it felt like Barney’s thing.
“…Well, it’s complicated. I was kind of seeing someone for a while, but I’m pretty sure that’s over, and then there’s my friend Ted, who I kind of almost dated, and it still seems like there might be something there, but he’s talking about moving to Germany to be with his ex-girlfriend, which I think is a really terrible idea, but it’s hard to tell if he’s serious about it or he’s just being Ted. So it’s complicated.”
“We should have sex.”
She’d almost forgotten Sandy was there, too wrapped up in her sad little soap opera of a monologue, but now she was back to staring at him. “What?”
“Why not? From that little speech, it sounds like you’re not with anybody right now, so we’re both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.”
She stared at him, taking him in like she’d never bothered to before. Yeah, that was not going to happen. She retreated into sarcasm. “Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.”
Sandy looked genuinely surprised. “Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex, it could be fun. Having sex is fun.”
She firmly ignored the tiny part of herself that was actually tempted. It was just because he reminded her so much of Barney in that moment, laying it all out there calmly and logically and without any shame whatsoever. And who was she to argue? Sex was fun. But the last thing her life needed right now was to add another guy to the mix. “Right. I’m still gonna have to go with no, but… thanks.”
He shrugged, and they did the broadcast, and she knew she’d never look at Sandy Rivers quite the same way again.
By the time she got home, she was tired, and kind of lonely, and really horny, and not nearly drunk enough to deal with the fact that this was her life now. So she poured herself a very large glass of wine, and then another, and tried to settle in for the night.
It was just after 2 AM when she realized that she just couldn’t face going to bed alone tonight, and the red wine haze that had settled over her brain didn’t let her think any farther than that.
She pulled out her phone and hit the speed dial. He picked up on the third ring.
(Next)