Battleship - Chapter 4/8
Rating: R. A few instances of stronger-than-network-TV language, and some scenes that take place in the middle of (relatively non-graphic) sex.
Pairings: Barney/Robin (of course), and Robin/Ted (since this is season 1)
Spoilers: Definitely "Zip, Zip, Zip" through "Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM," but there are references to lines and backstory revelations for the entire series, so proceed with caution.
Length: Final word count is 18,168.
Reviews: Yes, please.
Disclaimer: I forgot that part, didn't I? In case you were wondering, I own nothing.
Getting Used to it
“My Dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. Now, whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that... guns are fun!”
A few days after game night, they were all just hanging out at the bar, like they did practically every night, and Ted and Victoria were tag-teaming to tell this cutesy story about trying to make cupcakes together when Ted forgot about the baking powder. Robin couldn’t quite tear her eyes away from how Victoria’s head collapsed onto Ted’s shoulder when she laughed, or how Ted butted against Victoria’s side when he interjected a detail.
“So anyway, he’s opening the oven door every ten seconds, going, ‘Are they done yet? Are they done yet?’ I swear, the man has the patience of a labradoodle-“
“It had been almost an hour!” Ted protested, laughing. “An hour is a long time to wait for cupcakes.”
“Actually, labradoodles are pretty patient,” Robin said, the words coming out of her mouth before she really had any idea what she was saying. “I mean… I thought about getting one, once. They’re supposed to be really intelligent, easy to train, so it’s not like a weimaraner or anything, with the short attention span.” Oh god, why was she talking about labradoodles?
Victoria gave her a cautious smile. “It’s cool that you know so much about dogs. I’ve always been more of a cat person, I guess.” Wow. One more reason to hate this woman.
“Yeah. Dogs are great. But you’re right about Ted, he has no patience at all. It’s an insult to labradoodles. Is what I was saying. I mean, have you ever seen a labradoodle be all, ‘oh my god, I need to get married right now?’”
Ted frowned. “I don’t know if that’s…”
“But hey, it almost worked on me, right, Teddy boy? I mean, if you hadn’t thrown up on my doormat, who knows what might have happened?” Some little part of Robin was cringing in horror as the rest of her leaned forward to brush her fingers against Ted’s arm. “So maybe patience is overrated,” she said in a low voice.
Ted looked hopelessly confused, and Victoria just stared at Robin for a moment before giving a wide smile as if this was a perfectly normal, pleasant conversation. “Hey, no arguments here. Ted and I ended up inventing a delicious cupcake-flavored beverage.”
Ted grinned and put his arm around her, and Robin thought she might be sick. She automatically leaned a little bit away from the happy couple, which not-so-coincidentally landed her practically in Barney’s lap. Barney just wrapped his arms around her, hands brushing against her boobs.
“Good story. Hey, guess what Robin and I did last night while you were doing that?”
Lily groaned loudly. “Come on, Barney, there is no way we want to hear about your sexcapades.”
Barney winked. “You sure? Not even the tiniest bit curious?”
Lily made an odd noise that didn’t seem to signify either assent or disagreement, and Barney chuckled. “Speaking of… I think that’s our cue to ditch all you losers and get it on, what do you say, Scherbatsky?”
He stood, and Robin cast him a look of profound relief. She pretended to consider. “I don’t know, I might need some convincing…”
Barney took the hint, and quickly swept her up into a kiss that actually made her forget for a minute that Ted was sitting there cuddling Victoria.
“Get a room,” Marshall cough-said.
“If you insist,” they said, almost at the same moment, and then they were blessedly free from the bar. Barney kissed her again, almost tenderly. “You okay?”
She let out a deep breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “Yeah. I actually think I might pass on the sexcapades, though. I just… need to let off some steam.”
Barney raised an eyebrow.
“No, not like that. Seriously, Stinson, get your mind out of the gutter.”
He snickered. “Yeah, that’s right, claim the moral high ground.”
She turned to go. “See you later, Barney.”
To her surprise, he caught at her hand. “Seriously, though, it’s cool. We can blow off steam in…non…sexual…ways…did you just feel a chill?” He shuddered elaborately, and she couldn’t help but laugh.
“No, no, go find yourself a bimbo, I can take care of myself.”
He tugged at her hand until she was right up against him, peering down at her with this… look in his eyes. “Scherbatsky. Come on. We’re bros with benefits, and while I am really enjoying the benefits-“ his eyes briefly unfocused as his free hand traveled down her back, “-we can still bro out whenever you want. Now, where would you like to go? Anywhere at all.”
She grinned doubtfully. “Anywhere?”
Barney shouted to be heard over the clatter of guns going off. “This isn’t exactly what I was expecting!”
Robin finished off her round, relishing the feeling of power. “You wanted to come. Ready to give it a try?”
He peered doubtfully down at his gun. “How do you work this thing?”
Robin carefully set her own gun down and came to put her hands on top of Barney’s. “Hold it nice and steady, and keep your eye on the target. Just like laser tag. You got it?”
“I got it. I got it.” Barney pulled the trigger, only to be knocked on his ass by the recoil. “Okay, what the hell was that?”
“Right, I guess laser tag guns don’t do that. Try again, and brace yourself this time.”
It wasn’t quite the same as doing the shooting herself, but teaching Barney was fun. It only took him four rounds before he actually managed to hit the edge of the target. She watched him gleefully finish off the round, dressed up in combat gear over his suit like a sculpted blond G.I. Joe, scowling at the target with the same intensity he brought to everything he did. Without any conscious thought, she started forward, pulling him toward her a second after he fired his last shot. “God, that’s hot,” she murmured, and they ended up getting banned from the shooting range for three weeks.
Up until now, Robin had always had a very specific place in the group. They all loved her, welcomed her with open arms, made her a part of their jokes and their plans. But it was understood that they each had a place. Marshall was Ted’s best friend and college roommate, Lily was inseparable from Marshall, Barney was the clown, the one who made damn sure no one could ever forget about him.
Robin was there because of Ted. At first she was the girl Ted was chasing, then she was Ted’s friend with whom he shared the occasional subtext-filled moment, and after Victoria… well, for a while there, she wasn’t sure what she was. If she was honest with herself, that was part of why the whole Victoria thing had thrown her so much. Robin had never had a close group of friends like this before, and she loved it. She loved being a part of Ted’s world. If Ted moved on, found some other girl, what place was there for his old crush?
Then this whole thing with Barney happened, and suddenly Robin was Barney’s girl. The group didn’t like it, they didn’t really accept it, but they reluctantly shifted into a new shape. It was Marshall and Lily, Ted and Victoria, Barney and Robin. She sat next to Barney in the booth, she laughed at his jokes, half the time she left with him at the end of the night.
Of course, the other half of the time she was helping him pick up other girls. The first time, she walked into MacLaren’s and he was the only one there, at the bar putting the moves on some busty blonde, virtually indistinguishable from the dozens of other busty blondes she’d seen him with since the day they met. She shrugged and ordered a beer, kind of amused at the idea of watching him strike out, because this girl definitely wasn’t interested.
A couple minutes later, she felt his eyes on her, and then he was storming over with a challenge in his eyes. She didn’t need that weird couple telepathy thing to know exactly what he was thinking: Okay, Scherbatsky, you said you were fine with casual, time to prove it. And she just grinned at him. Bring it on.
“Oh my god, Raven?” he asked with a convincing show of dismay, and it was hard not to laugh at his choice of name. “I can’t believe you’re in a bar. And-wow, so you’re really going to have a drink. Nice.” It felt like kismet that her drink showed up right at that moment, and Robin found herself kind of getting into it. “Look, if you’re going to throw away three months sober, could you at least not do it in front of me?”
She drew in a dramatic breath, and Barney looked wary, like he thought maybe the super hot chick she landed him that first night was just a fluke. “Go to hell, Barney,” she said, and it came out appropriately bitter and tipsy. He looked a little concerned that she was using his real name, but she just plowed on. “If I can’t have you, why shouldn’t I have a drink?”
His eyes went soft, and suddenly it really was hard to tell the difference between acting and reality. “I’ll always love you, baby. But I couldn’t keep watching you destroy yourself that way. And a four-way with the guys from your AA meetings? What was I supposed to do?”
“It was the scotch!” she wailed, almost managing a real tear or two. “I’d never cheat on you otherwise! You’re better in bed than all three of those guys put together!”
“Look, even though we’re not together anymore, I saw you through the recovery process. But if you’re just going to crumble at the first temptation, I guess there’s no point.” His eyes darted over to the busty blonde, who was hanging back awkwardly, watching the scene unfold. (Along with half the bar. They were kind of loud.) Robin took the hint.
“Oh yeah? Well, if you care about me so much, then who’s this floozy?”
Barney drew back in mock indignation. “For your information, her name is Kristina, and she seems like a lovely person. I really thought I could just be a normal guy having a conversation with a normal girl for a night, but obviously-“
“Normal? Oh, so I’m not normal now, is that it?”
Robin was actually mildly impressed that Kristina stepped up at that point. “No, bitch, you’re not. No normal woman would cheat on someone as great as Barney. So if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go somewhere a little less crazy so we can talk. Bye!”
If she were really “Raven,” that kind of weak-ass confrontation would probably lead to whipping out her gun, or at least some good old fashioned hair-pulling, but the point was to get Barney laid, so she let them go. The next night Barney told Robin what a sexy alcoholic she made. He even tried calling her “Raven” in bed, but really, that was just creepy. A woman has to have some boundaries.
She discovered that she actually enjoyed being a wingwoman. She was good at it, and some of Barney’s schemes were so elaborate, so apparently ridiculous, it felt like magic to see all the pieces fall into place. Or not. They always went back to Robin’s place after he’d been slapped, or walked out on, or gotten a drink thrown in his face.
Robin wasn’t an idiot. She saw how the gang looked at her, those nights when she played Barney’s younger sister he’d raised on his own, or his emotionally abusive wife, or his yoga instructor (that was a strange one). Barney would wink at her and leave, and she’d go back to their table, to everyone’s looks of confusion and disapproval. And she knew this was all completely screwed up. She should be jealous. Whatever else was going on between her and Barney, she was sleeping with him, and Robin Scherbatsky did not share her man with anyone.
Except… Barney didn’t feel like her man. Maybe operation make-Ted-jealous wasn’t going great-Ted and Victoria seemed almost sickeningly happy-but Ted was still her man. The guy she dreamed about at night. Okay, maybe in those dreams he kinda had Barney’s body and Barney’s moves, but still. Ted. With that gooey look in his eyes and that starry-eyed optimism and that goodness about him. It was Ted.
And in the meantime, Barney was fun. Whether they were hanging out or hooking up or picking up chicks, they had fun together. She'd always assumed that most of Barney's stories were made up, but now she had her own list of legendary stories. Like the time she did a swan dive off the Staten Island ferry, Barney pretended to jump in to save her, and they both got free hot chocolate and had sex on the floor of the offices of the New York Department of Transportation. She couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else.
Lily didn’t get it. “I don’t get it! I know you’re Miss Independent and everything, but how can you be in a relationship with the guy and not care that he’s still sleeping with everything that moves?”
“Okay, first of all, we’re not in a relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I’m having fun, and Barney’s fun. What is so wrong with that?”
“But he’s… he’s… did I not mention the sleeping with everything that moves?”
Robin shrugged. “It’s Barney. That’s what he does. It wouldn’t be Barney without the dirty jokes and the pickup lines, I don’t want to change that.”
Lily sighed. “Sweetie, have you two ever actually… defined your… God, this all sounds so wrong, we’re talking about Barney!”
Robin couldn’t help finding this all a little funny still. “Yep, it’s Barney.”
Lily’s expression changed suddenly, to one of guilty excitement. “Okay, I have to ask, is the sex just… amazing? Does he have devices and things?”
Robin grinned slyly. “Actually-“
Lily flinched suddenly. “No! No, I changed my mind, I don’t want to know. It’s too… okay, Robin, seriously, this isn’t you. It's like, you're not just sleeping with Barney, you're turning into him!"
“Whoa, back up there, Lil. I am nothing like Barney.” She desperately ignored the voice in her head that said, we clearly have a lot in common. That was superficial things. Stuff they both liked. And yeah, she got where he was coming from a lot of the time, but that didn’t mean they were the same.
Lily seemed to see something in her eyes, and backpedaled a little. “Okay, yeah, maybe that’s an overstatement. I mean, you do have a soul and everything. Look, I have to ask. Is this about Ted?”
“Ted? I… pssh, no. Why would you even-I mean-I’m so totally over-that is, Ted has Victoria, and I’m happy for him. As a friend. Because we’re friends.” Robin wondered if she could have been a worse liar. She hated lying to Lily, but what was she going to say? Yeah, I’m sleeping with his friend to make him jealous. Do you think it’s working? She was a horrible human being.
Lily looked unconvinced. “It’s just, not that long ago you had feelings for Ted, and I’m wondering if you’re maybe rushing into this whole Barney thing to make yourself feel better.”
She didn’t have a response to that, so she made up some lame excuse and left.
As soon as she was out of the bar she speed dialed Barney, and half an hour later her legs were wrapped around his waist. This was getting ridiculous. It was like every time anything went wrong in her life, her first impulse was sex with Barney. She’d always liked a good tumble, but she’d never craved it like this. And the more Ted failed to react, the more Marshall and Lily silently disapproved, the more she hated herself for this whole arrangement, the more she just wanted to throw herself into bed with Barney and not think.
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