when illusion collides with reality

[supremefiction]

I feel like such a dependent fraud. I'm the calm and quietly strong-willed artist...yeah right. Nothing like dropping the illusion of strength out from under you to sober you up quickly. "Put it in the music, man!!" Fuck off. I don't have the intellect in my will right now to articulate my disgust and pain in moments of frailty. The interior of my being is so chaotic right now that trying to pick out inspired pieces of art would be like trying to catch a diamond ring in a tornado with a pair of tweezers while blindfolded. Read: it's not happening. Anything I do make now would be totally random and disconnected and have thirty points anyway...not that I don't like chaotic music, but I want some symmetry in my life right now. Can't I have positive symmetry? My previous post mentioned how different areas of my life are getting worse to take the place of my financial situation getting better. So it seems stress is like energy - neither created nor destroyed, only transferred. I feel an intense desire to run. Just start running, and hopefully whatever piece of ground I collapse onto is home.

I've definitely decided that when this chaos clears enough for me to focus, I'm going to musically shred the universe.