what can i undo for you today?

[supremefiction]

     am i so righteous?  sweet?  caring?  sometimes it doesn't matter.  everybody tells me, "man, you're 21...you're supposed to be scoping out a bunch of different girls, it's how you meet the right one."  but i just can't do that...if i'm talking or flirting a lot with one, i feel guilty if i do the same thing with another.  and i certainly won't bring a kiss into it...i feel they are connections, not ways to get your fucking rocks off.  "who makes out with random people anyway and enjoys the disconnectedness of it all," i think...apparently most everyone i know.  i'm not searching for physical thrills.  so when i am honest and level with someone and say that yeah, i have feelings for them, but i have feelings for other people too, and i don't wanna use anyone to make myself feel better, then why is the end result still guilt?  why do i feel guilty for having feelings for multiple people and them having feelings for me?  i refrained from physical contact so i could escape my condemnation of my own actions; but here i am, feeling it just the same.
     but a new voice in me says that i'm afraid.  that it's not that i'm keeping my distance because i don't want to use them.  rather, it's that i'm afraid of being used.  every girl except one i've been with has cheated on me or used me (and for the record i never cheated on anyone in my life), and my heart knows this.  is it safe to say, "i'm not sure what i feel for you, so i'll just stay away?"  is it safe to say, "i have feelings for more than one girl, so i just won't explore any of them?"  that sounds a lot like having a free day with tons of errands and things to do, but you can't decide which to do, so you just sit in the basement and rot in the darkness.

this is conflict.