all we ever see or seem is just a dream within a dream

[supremefiction]

yeah so, i learned some things about how i perceive myself from a dude who is going through the same bullshit i am.  i always could open myself up with strangers, talk about myself and my emotions and fears and hopes and strengths and all that quite easily.  i figured myself to be an open person because i can get in front of a crowd of strangers and talk about myself or read my poetry.  however, i am completely closed off to all the people i love (except jake and colin).  people like my family and friends and girlfriend (if applicable).  underneath it all, there is a self-loathing stemming from my inability to fix my depression.  when i was younger, i always was the go-to person for advice when my friends needed it.  it made me feel good, made me feel like i was fixing them.  they went away happy, after all.  i always felt like there was no one for me though, and i blamed others...thought, "they don't care about me, they just want my knowledge" and shit like that.  i didn't realize it was my fault at the time, that i never reached out, and when i did, it was to help someone other than myself.  enter the spiral.  ...  i now know why i close myself off from close loved ones, after a long conversation with mark, who is enlightened in many respects.  i was afraid to talk to them about what i really felt, because i felt that if i opened up my darkness to them as well as the light, then they would begin to see me as i see myself.  the way i see myself is inaccurate, i know this...for example, i feel i am ugly, but girls come on to me often...that wouldn't happen if i were ugly, but i can't deny the way i feel.  i can only try to initiate change.  last month was the beginning of a long process of revolution for me...i will still be jason, but for the first time in 21 years, i will begin to try and do things for me, instead of seeking validation through friends or girls or drugs or relationships.  i will validate myself (and my music :)

peace and respect to my few livejournal friends,
-jsn