gone...
So kate left last weds. She isnt gonna come back... i just feel it.
She pretty much admits she is in love with me. She sees it working.... going all the way to marrage or whatever.
and so her fear of commitment hit in. She never planned to be in love at 21. She wants to find the person she will fall in love with and married by 25-27. not 21...
We have talked on webcam alot... i bought one just to speak with her. Sigh... I have no idea what will happen. At least we have those last few weeks.
Tuesday I went to go see Superman Returns. I went with a bunch of people, friends of friends kind of thing. I only knew like 6 of the people there... and only riends with 3 of them.
Strangest thing. I thoguht i saw Mike and Nick there. I dont know if it was them, i wish i had a picture of them or something from way back when. I was wearing these glasses a friend brought. We were all taking turns seeing who could play clark the best. I did pretty well.
But the glasses made me dizzy and my eyes were blurring until the first 10 min of the movie... which sucked but i also think it was mike and nick...
I saw this really tall light haired guy while i was wearing the glasses. I thought it was him but just shook the feeling off. There was no way to tell for sure until i walked straight up to him, sqinted and went within a few inches of his face... so i didnt bother to try.
Then while i was sitting, i could of sworn the person in the rows forward of me, this guy with a baseball cap or a hoody had a beard. He had darker skin so i thought of mike but idk. After the movie they stayed seated so i couldnt tell once my eyes were better.
I hung outside for a bit, smoked a cig waiting to see if they exited, if it was them. They didnt so i guess it wasnt them.
But it got me thinking... I made my peace with Mike, i wish we could at least try being friends again. I mean i am a different person. Different mind, different body, different soul. I was so fucked up then... I was filled with so much hate for myself that i took it out on everyone around me.
I think about it now, he did try to be my friend alot... until the end there... but... idk. My mind is so warped from my headaches. its all a blurr.
I wish I could make peace with Nick. Wish he had a livejournal or an email i could write to him on.... I think he tried instant messsanging me once a few weeks ago but i wasnt home to respond. I have this urge to hang out with him one last time and smoke a cig with him...
Probably cuz he was the first friend i ever had that smoked and now that i smoke...
So i was thinking about the past, all them. and i thought about amanda. I just looked on her livejournal and it has a post on there... after well over a year. But its blocked to everyone that isnt on her friend list... I wrote this note thing...
Truth is... i dont if it was me or them... it woudl probably both... if both than defeinatly more me... but... IDK... maybe it was just me.. fucked up and they just road it out for as long as possible before they couldnt stand it anymore. Maybe they tried to be there for me in there own way... and it wasnt enough. I dont know...
But i am sorry for how it went... i wanted to apologize to amanda... see if i could make peace with her. I loved her like a sister.like blood.
I emailed her, or her old email the makatochan one... I dont know if she still uses it or what... I hope she gets it. I want peace from that part of my past too.
All thats left now is to find a way to get my message of peace and forgiveness to amanda... and then finally to nick. I wonder how though...
If any of them read this.. please instant message me or email me or something. Please, I am truely sorry.
AIM- Tekkaman Supreme
Yahoo IM - supremeyosef@yahoo.com
MSN IM - supremeyosef@yahoo.com
She pretty much admits she is in love with me. She sees it working.... going all the way to marrage or whatever.
and so her fear of commitment hit in. She never planned to be in love at 21. She wants to find the person she will fall in love with and married by 25-27. not 21...
We have talked on webcam alot... i bought one just to speak with her. Sigh... I have no idea what will happen. At least we have those last few weeks.
Tuesday I went to go see Superman Returns. I went with a bunch of people, friends of friends kind of thing. I only knew like 6 of the people there... and only riends with 3 of them.
Strangest thing. I thoguht i saw Mike and Nick there. I dont know if it was them, i wish i had a picture of them or something from way back when. I was wearing these glasses a friend brought. We were all taking turns seeing who could play clark the best. I did pretty well.
But the glasses made me dizzy and my eyes were blurring until the first 10 min of the movie... which sucked but i also think it was mike and nick...
I saw this really tall light haired guy while i was wearing the glasses. I thought it was him but just shook the feeling off. There was no way to tell for sure until i walked straight up to him, sqinted and went within a few inches of his face... so i didnt bother to try.
Then while i was sitting, i could of sworn the person in the rows forward of me, this guy with a baseball cap or a hoody had a beard. He had darker skin so i thought of mike but idk. After the movie they stayed seated so i couldnt tell once my eyes were better.
I hung outside for a bit, smoked a cig waiting to see if they exited, if it was them. They didnt so i guess it wasnt them.
But it got me thinking... I made my peace with Mike, i wish we could at least try being friends again. I mean i am a different person. Different mind, different body, different soul. I was so fucked up then... I was filled with so much hate for myself that i took it out on everyone around me.
I think about it now, he did try to be my friend alot... until the end there... but... idk. My mind is so warped from my headaches. its all a blurr.
I wish I could make peace with Nick. Wish he had a livejournal or an email i could write to him on.... I think he tried instant messsanging me once a few weeks ago but i wasnt home to respond. I have this urge to hang out with him one last time and smoke a cig with him...
Probably cuz he was the first friend i ever had that smoked and now that i smoke...
So i was thinking about the past, all them. and i thought about amanda. I just looked on her livejournal and it has a post on there... after well over a year. But its blocked to everyone that isnt on her friend list... I wrote this note thing...
Truth is... i dont if it was me or them... it woudl probably both... if both than defeinatly more me... but... IDK... maybe it was just me.. fucked up and they just road it out for as long as possible before they couldnt stand it anymore. Maybe they tried to be there for me in there own way... and it wasnt enough. I dont know...
But i am sorry for how it went... i wanted to apologize to amanda... see if i could make peace with her. I loved her like a sister.like blood.
I emailed her, or her old email the makatochan one... I dont know if she still uses it or what... I hope she gets it. I want peace from that part of my past too.
All thats left now is to find a way to get my message of peace and forgiveness to amanda... and then finally to nick. I wonder how though...
If any of them read this.. please instant message me or email me or something. Please, I am truely sorry.
AIM- Tekkaman Supreme
Yahoo IM - supremeyosef@yahoo.com
MSN IM - supremeyosef@yahoo.com