IDK
I dont know whats wrong with me... I am so conflicted on so many fronts. I'm not sure where i stand, where i begin and others end.
I want to be happy and not lonely so badly, but even more then that... i wish i could have something with Kate.
I know, i know its so fucked up. How its been technicly over since.... fuck when was it... november or october... its so hard. I love her so much.
Nomatter what i hope she has a happy life... that much i want to make clear. I just wish she could be happy with me so that i could be happy.
It pisses me off that because i was dealing with the trial and my father... i never got a real shot at being with kate. I was depressed all the time and she finally couldnt take it. I couldnt be me... My father has fucked up my entire life... and i let him fuck up my one chance with the woman i love.
Could that really be it... could all i really have with Kate is just that one chance... can i even get another chance... to have her look at me that way again... and be more then just friends. :'''(((((
I finally decided to do something else in my life. I am gonna learn how to help people who have been raped and molested, either in adulthood or, and mainly, in childhood.
I want to help those that have had it like me and help them so that they dont end up like me, so that they dont end up screwing up there one chance at being not lonely.
I heard this woman on the radio, she was when she was a kid... and she grew up and become a stripper, a prostitute, and a mother. pregant 3 times by 3 dif guys and miscarried all but one. then around that life style her kid was molested by one of her clients.
I listened on the radio and just wished i could of helped, prevented. Lead me to think about it. I;m not gonna have it has my main career, i still want to do film and movies and stories and stuff... but i plan to devote a large portion of my life towards helping others in this way.
I am finally getting back to bettering myself. Making myself stronger... mentally, physically, emotionally. I want to become stronger and stable. Kate told me the main reason she didnt want to be with me anymore is because i am unstable. not in an emotional going crazy way... more of a being there because i have so many issues of my own. So i am working on that, even if she doesnt like me, if i am ever with someone again i need to be able to be there for them... as much as i want to be there for kate.
Was watching sopranos... this chick with a bf(and they are ingaged) cheated like it was nothing...
What kind of fucking assholes cheat. After all these years of thinking about it i still dont understand. Only thing i can think of is they have an extremely selfish mental mindset and also just dont really truely care about the other... but if they dont care then why are they even there anyways... I fucking hate cheaters.
Sigh...
I want to be happy and not lonely so badly, but even more then that... i wish i could have something with Kate.
I know, i know its so fucked up. How its been technicly over since.... fuck when was it... november or october... its so hard. I love her so much.
Nomatter what i hope she has a happy life... that much i want to make clear. I just wish she could be happy with me so that i could be happy.
It pisses me off that because i was dealing with the trial and my father... i never got a real shot at being with kate. I was depressed all the time and she finally couldnt take it. I couldnt be me... My father has fucked up my entire life... and i let him fuck up my one chance with the woman i love.
Could that really be it... could all i really have with Kate is just that one chance... can i even get another chance... to have her look at me that way again... and be more then just friends. :'''(((((
I finally decided to do something else in my life. I am gonna learn how to help people who have been raped and molested, either in adulthood or, and mainly, in childhood.
I want to help those that have had it like me and help them so that they dont end up like me, so that they dont end up screwing up there one chance at being not lonely.
I heard this woman on the radio, she was when she was a kid... and she grew up and become a stripper, a prostitute, and a mother. pregant 3 times by 3 dif guys and miscarried all but one. then around that life style her kid was molested by one of her clients.
I listened on the radio and just wished i could of helped, prevented. Lead me to think about it. I;m not gonna have it has my main career, i still want to do film and movies and stories and stuff... but i plan to devote a large portion of my life towards helping others in this way.
I am finally getting back to bettering myself. Making myself stronger... mentally, physically, emotionally. I want to become stronger and stable. Kate told me the main reason she didnt want to be with me anymore is because i am unstable. not in an emotional going crazy way... more of a being there because i have so many issues of my own. So i am working on that, even if she doesnt like me, if i am ever with someone again i need to be able to be there for them... as much as i want to be there for kate.
Was watching sopranos... this chick with a bf(and they are ingaged) cheated like it was nothing...
What kind of fucking assholes cheat. After all these years of thinking about it i still dont understand. Only thing i can think of is they have an extremely selfish mental mindset and also just dont really truely care about the other... but if they dont care then why are they even there anyways... I fucking hate cheaters.
Sigh...