360!!!!!!!!!! :'((
Sparkless...
I am sparkless.
The thing that gives the other the spark is not within my being.
Does the apsense of a spark reveal that I am missing something more? Perhaps a soul?
What if I was correct, awhile back, and I am really soulless? What if I am the way I am meerly because of the chemicals they pumped through my viens, the experimental psycholoical measures I was put through, and my drive to be good enough to be not lonely?
What if i really am a monster like my father, only a pathetic monster in comparison to him and other psychos? What if I am a failure in just another catagory?
Does the inability of another feeling that "spark" from me evidence of myself being souless?
These questions run through my mind right now...
So the other day, I hung out with Chris, had a few beers, spoked some weed and did some blow. All and all it was a pretty good night. Ended up having to crash at his house. Boy was i paying for it that next day....
So I am still in love with Kate and Its done nothing but grow during the last few months. So after hanging out once with her again... and talking and emails and blah blah blah... i find myself back where i started from... So I am following the circle around yet again... and ending our interaction... It was a failed experiment, trying to see if i could keep the feelings buried and all... but i cant...
Seeing her... hearing her voice... anything about her... fills my essense with such hope... but its a false hope, one that will never be... One that will never come into fluision.
:'(((((((((((
Can got just strike me down yet? Please?
With change... everything stays the same, so why should we change anymore? I dont think I am going to make myself better anymore.
Love came, but unlike everyone else, love wont leave me... i am stuck with it. Yet again, just like hope... love has been twisted, god has used yet another thing against me. Making it that the woman I love doesnt want me... but while that is normal, at least those fall out of love and get "over" it... while i can not.
All it does is keep growing... even when kate isnt around. God used hope against me... to punish me, like he doesnt with anything good... and now he chooses love, my last method of salvation gone.... striped from me, raped from my very being... the empty shell that should be housing a soul... but is not and probably always has been... sparkless.
I am sparkless.
The thing that gives the other the spark is not within my being.
Does the apsense of a spark reveal that I am missing something more? Perhaps a soul?
What if I was correct, awhile back, and I am really soulless? What if I am the way I am meerly because of the chemicals they pumped through my viens, the experimental psycholoical measures I was put through, and my drive to be good enough to be not lonely?
What if i really am a monster like my father, only a pathetic monster in comparison to him and other psychos? What if I am a failure in just another catagory?
Does the inability of another feeling that "spark" from me evidence of myself being souless?
These questions run through my mind right now...
So the other day, I hung out with Chris, had a few beers, spoked some weed and did some blow. All and all it was a pretty good night. Ended up having to crash at his house. Boy was i paying for it that next day....
So I am still in love with Kate and Its done nothing but grow during the last few months. So after hanging out once with her again... and talking and emails and blah blah blah... i find myself back where i started from... So I am following the circle around yet again... and ending our interaction... It was a failed experiment, trying to see if i could keep the feelings buried and all... but i cant...
Seeing her... hearing her voice... anything about her... fills my essense with such hope... but its a false hope, one that will never be... One that will never come into fluision.
:'(((((((((((
Can got just strike me down yet? Please?
With change... everything stays the same, so why should we change anymore? I dont think I am going to make myself better anymore.
Love came, but unlike everyone else, love wont leave me... i am stuck with it. Yet again, just like hope... love has been twisted, god has used yet another thing against me. Making it that the woman I love doesnt want me... but while that is normal, at least those fall out of love and get "over" it... while i can not.
All it does is keep growing... even when kate isnt around. God used hope against me... to punish me, like he doesnt with anything good... and now he chooses love, my last method of salvation gone.... striped from me, raped from my very being... the empty shell that should be housing a soul... but is not and probably always has been... sparkless.