AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the flying FUCK!!!!
Come on!
...
I opened the mail the other night... found a letter to me.
Turned out it was a bday card from... drumroll please..... Kate.
A simple message. Saying that she didnt forgot about my bday.
Ah, it hurts so much. But i have found that i can deal with it better... now that i realized i could never make her happy.
Its better she is with someone else... I am truely happy and my envy... while it still exists... isnt turning my eyes green anymore. Its not breeding ill feelings towards everyone.
I am so envious... and jealous... dont get me wrong. but i dont really hate, at least not like i did before.
I truely do love kate... and i just want her to be happy. So i want her to go out there and find the person that will make her the happiest... and i realize now that it will never be me.
I think i have taken a huge step in finally getting over her... but when i get a card from her.... any contact.... it makes it so much harder.
I know she ment well. And it did make me feel really good that she cares. Hell i didnt get a card from anyone else... dont even think any of my friends said happy bday to me... oh well Elizah did... but thats only cuz i called him a few days before about hanging out and mensioned it... and called him the day after about the movie we are putting together.
But for all that joy it brought me... to have someone care... It hurts more... right after because i cant hold her or kiss her... i cant be with her the way i want to.
But instead of cutting myself... or drinking myself into a coma... I focus on the fact that she is happy with this guy and that i can never make her happy. I focus on that.... and i have found i dont resort to putting a knife to my chest... or picking up a bottle.
Her happyness is what i desire above all else, even my own and in a sense... it helps me from doing harm to myself.
I really do hope that one day Kate and i can resume a friendship.... even though i want more... I want her in my life nomatter what. But i just dont think ill ever be over her enough to even talk to her... or have any kind of contact again. :(
On another note... I think i broke my foot...
I cant fucking believe it. I gave up so much to find friends awhile back.... so much more then anyone will ever know... and i gave up even more to be able to have a relationship. Find love... actually not be lonely for once in my existance...
Now in the last year i keep getting hurt more and more... i mean physically. I have never been broken... physically... and i dont really ever remember being sick... except light colds or allergies..
But now i think i might have actually broken my foot. FUCK!
I cant even go to a doc till after the new year, insurance protocals and shit like that. How fucking lame is that shit.
I really hope i am not broken.
Mortality definatly has its drawbacks.... heh...
Come on!
...
I opened the mail the other night... found a letter to me.
Turned out it was a bday card from... drumroll please..... Kate.
A simple message. Saying that she didnt forgot about my bday.
Ah, it hurts so much. But i have found that i can deal with it better... now that i realized i could never make her happy.
Its better she is with someone else... I am truely happy and my envy... while it still exists... isnt turning my eyes green anymore. Its not breeding ill feelings towards everyone.
I am so envious... and jealous... dont get me wrong. but i dont really hate, at least not like i did before.
I truely do love kate... and i just want her to be happy. So i want her to go out there and find the person that will make her the happiest... and i realize now that it will never be me.
I think i have taken a huge step in finally getting over her... but when i get a card from her.... any contact.... it makes it so much harder.
I know she ment well. And it did make me feel really good that she cares. Hell i didnt get a card from anyone else... dont even think any of my friends said happy bday to me... oh well Elizah did... but thats only cuz i called him a few days before about hanging out and mensioned it... and called him the day after about the movie we are putting together.
But for all that joy it brought me... to have someone care... It hurts more... right after because i cant hold her or kiss her... i cant be with her the way i want to.
But instead of cutting myself... or drinking myself into a coma... I focus on the fact that she is happy with this guy and that i can never make her happy. I focus on that.... and i have found i dont resort to putting a knife to my chest... or picking up a bottle.
Her happyness is what i desire above all else, even my own and in a sense... it helps me from doing harm to myself.
I really do hope that one day Kate and i can resume a friendship.... even though i want more... I want her in my life nomatter what. But i just dont think ill ever be over her enough to even talk to her... or have any kind of contact again. :(
On another note... I think i broke my foot...
I cant fucking believe it. I gave up so much to find friends awhile back.... so much more then anyone will ever know... and i gave up even more to be able to have a relationship. Find love... actually not be lonely for once in my existance...
Now in the last year i keep getting hurt more and more... i mean physically. I have never been broken... physically... and i dont really ever remember being sick... except light colds or allergies..
But now i think i might have actually broken my foot. FUCK!
I cant even go to a doc till after the new year, insurance protocals and shit like that. How fucking lame is that shit.
I really hope i am not broken.
Mortality definatly has its drawbacks.... heh...