Hmm...
so i tried like 6 different time over the course of last month and the month before... i just cant do it. It kills me to much to not be able to kiss her.
Finally she thought we shouldnt talk for a month, no contact, afterwards we could be "friends". Some people are so nieve...
So after the like 6th time, i realized i cant ever EVER do this... I cant be her friend as long as I am in love with her...
I think that she thinks that after a month we can be friends, but no... never. I cant.
It hurts... I honestly feel like Kate is ment to be in my life, but she cant as just as a friend...
I kept telling her that and she would say she gets it but she honestly doesnt, she hears it but she doesnt realize it. Just like when we first started going out, i kept asking her if shes only with me because she feels pity for me... she kept saying no... finally i dropped it, FINALLY mind you... but it turns out after everything is over it was pity... how could you feel anything other then pity for a guy that is mopying around and has a history like mine...
Anyways... so the day after thanksgiving was supose to be our last day together... she spent the night, got to cuddle one last time and have a peacefilled sleep one last time. I said goodbye to cuddling and peaceful night sleep, its behind me now...
It ended well... after she left... i was upset but i finally felt good. Over the last two months ive been fighting myself constantly... the thing i most wanted was to be with her... to hold her and kiss her... basically to act on my feelings for her. I was fighting that... trying to be her friend.... in truth i can be anything... ANYTHING but her friend...
I could be her lover, her bf, a date, even an enemy but friend seemed to be the hardest thing...
So i felt better when she left... I also realized that apart of me is unlocked... apart of me was bricked up when i was child... at some point, its gone... I can feel less unhappy and less lonely easier now... easier and easier.... and fun comes alot easier as well. It's all... how you say... groovy.
So anyways... I was finally pasat it... moved on kind of... anyways, then like a week later, maybe more then a week later she emails me... i was suprised... i thought if anyone contacted anyone it would be me but nope...
I emailed her back saying all this crap.... mainly to not email me ever again, that its done, nothing ever again; no email, no phone calls, no mail, no in person, NO NOTHING. Thats how i know she doesnt realize this is for good.
Anyways... so she emailed me back, basically bitting my head off... i guess i struck a nerve... so yeah... i emailed her back to more times... responding to her biting my head off and another telling her i am blocking her. I blocked her... then apparently she tried to email me cuz she instant messanged me asking me if i really did block her... i told her yes then blocked her on msn...
Then she posted two things on my livejournal... i deleted them without reading it. I told her no more contact... I guess she and I will both have to deal with the last things we say to each other werent the best. Her biting my head off is the last thing i got from her... and i had to call her over the phone and tell her very strictly to stop all contact. she said ok, i hung up.
So thats it... the end. This chapter of my life is closed... the last 8 months... since i met kate were the happiest of my entire life... and it turned into some of the worse parts to the end... well what do you expect... no woman could ever like me... only pity me.
Dont get me wrong. I'm going to keep trying... I dont have faith that ill be happy... i very much doubt ill be happy.
Thats another thing... kate near the end kept on pointing out my faults... for instance little things... like how my shoes were "childish" or my body deoterent spray smelled like her uncle or whatever... all that was just bull shit cuz its the same smell and same shoes i had been wearing since before i met her. Ahh... fuck her if shes gonna be like that. I dont need all that critisism about such stupid things.
another thing wasmy lack of faith. She said she needs a guy who has faith. If thats true then i dont really even want to be her friend... shes looking at the wrong stuff...
Its like if a person only likes smart people... thats like saying you only like good looking people. both have nothing to do with the person within. Youre supose to like someone for who they are on the inside... not how skinny they are or how many words they know.
I consider faith another thing. Its a leasure of those who have had a happy life. Have had happyness and "know" they can get it again. When they dont realize its from there station in life that allows happyness to continue. I would of gained faith... i kind of did over the last few months... well actually i did, until it was proven to me that kate never really liked me... it was only pity.
Once a woman can like me for who i am, not what was done to me or what ive gone through or how much money i really have or whatever... until a woman likes me and wants to date me or be in a relationship... only then will i have faith... but right now... all this has shown me is that is really is impossible.
Any faith i gained i lost.
she says i dont have faith... well i finally had faith, and was happy and not sulky and had all the things she says she wanted or things i lacked... i had all those things after i got my not lonelyness and happyness... but yet it wasnt until i had all those things that she dumped me that next weds...
Alright... so now... Today anyways, i am really lonely, cant stop thinking about her... ever since Elizjah mensioned how kate told him about our little email thing that happened....
I realized now... i was going to ask a few woman ive met out... but now i;m not... I will eventually.... hopefully.... "faithfully", but not for awhile. It wouldnt be fair to ask out someone while i am still not over my ex. It wouldnt be fair to them... it wouldnt be honorable... it wouldnt be right.
I keep listening to that nickelback song Photograph... for some reason when i hear this song... i think about me and kate... probably because i showed her more about me then anyone... i even showed her one of the places i grew up... my elementary school, old house... all back in scottsdale...
So after what E told me, i am certain, Kate doesnt get it, maybe she wotn accept that its over... completely over.
With all the stuff... apart of me thinks that maybe she liked me... not just pity... if so then maybe she sstill does like me... only she just has no clue what the hell she wants... I mean... she said she thinks about me more then any guy... i wonder if thats still true...
anyways... so she thinks about more than anyone... i think it might be .... i dont know... my guess is maybe i have the right morals... the right sense of good and honor... a good knowledge of right and wrong... but its my physical nature whichs betrays me... and her.
Maybe its because i;m not skinny like ALL her other bfs had been... that i;m too hairy... and too ugly.
I mean she told me her new bf is about my same height.. maybe alittle shorter...
That he is skinnier than me... less hairy... and better looking..... makes me want to cry...
But you know what, FUCK HER! if shes that stupid to not see that her physical predisposition control her interest then FUCK HER. She says it has nothing to do with it but when... and she said this, she said that all her bfs have been really skinny guys, not like me.
If thats her type... the guy she is most attracted too then obviously shes an idiot cuz she dosent realize its there look... but eh... if thats the kind of person she relaly is, fuck her, wouldnt want to even be friends with someone thats like that.
FUCK HER!
fuck... ok obvously i am definaly not over her... I was supose to go out with this girl Rachael. Met her at the Asian Sandwich Deli. But i think i am going to back out. I'm just going to back off... from all women. just be there friends for right now... until i am over Kate...
Hmm... writing this all out makes me feel better... especially going through all the facts and seeing what kind of person realy is. I think she as the potential to be a really great and good person, but shes too nieve and not self explorative enough... at least not in the right way. I have said it before and ill say it again... its funny, she comments on the "stupid american" and yet she doesnt even realize thats what she is... full heartedly... sigh...
So yeah... now i see if Kate is all those thinsg then its a good thing i;m not her friend or even with her.
I believe Kate is too fixated on the outside of people... even if she doesnt realize it, its what i think... and so that means what i think is that kate isnt the kind of person i want to be friends with. Of course i could be wrong...
Ahhhhh!!!! this thing is way way way way way too long... i was gonna write more but i HAVE to stop myself NOW!!!!
... no now.... no.... NOW!.... hehe... sigh...
So yeah... thats whats been going on the past month or more. In a nut shell anyway. ;)
Finally she thought we shouldnt talk for a month, no contact, afterwards we could be "friends". Some people are so nieve...
So after the like 6th time, i realized i cant ever EVER do this... I cant be her friend as long as I am in love with her...
I think that she thinks that after a month we can be friends, but no... never. I cant.
It hurts... I honestly feel like Kate is ment to be in my life, but she cant as just as a friend...
I kept telling her that and she would say she gets it but she honestly doesnt, she hears it but she doesnt realize it. Just like when we first started going out, i kept asking her if shes only with me because she feels pity for me... she kept saying no... finally i dropped it, FINALLY mind you... but it turns out after everything is over it was pity... how could you feel anything other then pity for a guy that is mopying around and has a history like mine...
Anyways... so the day after thanksgiving was supose to be our last day together... she spent the night, got to cuddle one last time and have a peacefilled sleep one last time. I said goodbye to cuddling and peaceful night sleep, its behind me now...
It ended well... after she left... i was upset but i finally felt good. Over the last two months ive been fighting myself constantly... the thing i most wanted was to be with her... to hold her and kiss her... basically to act on my feelings for her. I was fighting that... trying to be her friend.... in truth i can be anything... ANYTHING but her friend...
I could be her lover, her bf, a date, even an enemy but friend seemed to be the hardest thing...
So i felt better when she left... I also realized that apart of me is unlocked... apart of me was bricked up when i was child... at some point, its gone... I can feel less unhappy and less lonely easier now... easier and easier.... and fun comes alot easier as well. It's all... how you say... groovy.
So anyways... I was finally pasat it... moved on kind of... anyways, then like a week later, maybe more then a week later she emails me... i was suprised... i thought if anyone contacted anyone it would be me but nope...
I emailed her back saying all this crap.... mainly to not email me ever again, that its done, nothing ever again; no email, no phone calls, no mail, no in person, NO NOTHING. Thats how i know she doesnt realize this is for good.
Anyways... so she emailed me back, basically bitting my head off... i guess i struck a nerve... so yeah... i emailed her back to more times... responding to her biting my head off and another telling her i am blocking her. I blocked her... then apparently she tried to email me cuz she instant messanged me asking me if i really did block her... i told her yes then blocked her on msn...
Then she posted two things on my livejournal... i deleted them without reading it. I told her no more contact... I guess she and I will both have to deal with the last things we say to each other werent the best. Her biting my head off is the last thing i got from her... and i had to call her over the phone and tell her very strictly to stop all contact. she said ok, i hung up.
So thats it... the end. This chapter of my life is closed... the last 8 months... since i met kate were the happiest of my entire life... and it turned into some of the worse parts to the end... well what do you expect... no woman could ever like me... only pity me.
Dont get me wrong. I'm going to keep trying... I dont have faith that ill be happy... i very much doubt ill be happy.
Thats another thing... kate near the end kept on pointing out my faults... for instance little things... like how my shoes were "childish" or my body deoterent spray smelled like her uncle or whatever... all that was just bull shit cuz its the same smell and same shoes i had been wearing since before i met her. Ahh... fuck her if shes gonna be like that. I dont need all that critisism about such stupid things.
another thing wasmy lack of faith. She said she needs a guy who has faith. If thats true then i dont really even want to be her friend... shes looking at the wrong stuff...
Its like if a person only likes smart people... thats like saying you only like good looking people. both have nothing to do with the person within. Youre supose to like someone for who they are on the inside... not how skinny they are or how many words they know.
I consider faith another thing. Its a leasure of those who have had a happy life. Have had happyness and "know" they can get it again. When they dont realize its from there station in life that allows happyness to continue. I would of gained faith... i kind of did over the last few months... well actually i did, until it was proven to me that kate never really liked me... it was only pity.
Once a woman can like me for who i am, not what was done to me or what ive gone through or how much money i really have or whatever... until a woman likes me and wants to date me or be in a relationship... only then will i have faith... but right now... all this has shown me is that is really is impossible.
Any faith i gained i lost.
she says i dont have faith... well i finally had faith, and was happy and not sulky and had all the things she says she wanted or things i lacked... i had all those things after i got my not lonelyness and happyness... but yet it wasnt until i had all those things that she dumped me that next weds...
Alright... so now... Today anyways, i am really lonely, cant stop thinking about her... ever since Elizjah mensioned how kate told him about our little email thing that happened....
I realized now... i was going to ask a few woman ive met out... but now i;m not... I will eventually.... hopefully.... "faithfully", but not for awhile. It wouldnt be fair to ask out someone while i am still not over my ex. It wouldnt be fair to them... it wouldnt be honorable... it wouldnt be right.
I keep listening to that nickelback song Photograph... for some reason when i hear this song... i think about me and kate... probably because i showed her more about me then anyone... i even showed her one of the places i grew up... my elementary school, old house... all back in scottsdale...
So after what E told me, i am certain, Kate doesnt get it, maybe she wotn accept that its over... completely over.
With all the stuff... apart of me thinks that maybe she liked me... not just pity... if so then maybe she sstill does like me... only she just has no clue what the hell she wants... I mean... she said she thinks about me more then any guy... i wonder if thats still true...
anyways... so she thinks about more than anyone... i think it might be .... i dont know... my guess is maybe i have the right morals... the right sense of good and honor... a good knowledge of right and wrong... but its my physical nature whichs betrays me... and her.
Maybe its because i;m not skinny like ALL her other bfs had been... that i;m too hairy... and too ugly.
I mean she told me her new bf is about my same height.. maybe alittle shorter...
That he is skinnier than me... less hairy... and better looking..... makes me want to cry...
But you know what, FUCK HER! if shes that stupid to not see that her physical predisposition control her interest then FUCK HER. She says it has nothing to do with it but when... and she said this, she said that all her bfs have been really skinny guys, not like me.
If thats her type... the guy she is most attracted too then obviously shes an idiot cuz she dosent realize its there look... but eh... if thats the kind of person she relaly is, fuck her, wouldnt want to even be friends with someone thats like that.
FUCK HER!
fuck... ok obvously i am definaly not over her... I was supose to go out with this girl Rachael. Met her at the Asian Sandwich Deli. But i think i am going to back out. I'm just going to back off... from all women. just be there friends for right now... until i am over Kate...
Hmm... writing this all out makes me feel better... especially going through all the facts and seeing what kind of person realy is. I think she as the potential to be a really great and good person, but shes too nieve and not self explorative enough... at least not in the right way. I have said it before and ill say it again... its funny, she comments on the "stupid american" and yet she doesnt even realize thats what she is... full heartedly... sigh...
So yeah... now i see if Kate is all those thinsg then its a good thing i;m not her friend or even with her.
I believe Kate is too fixated on the outside of people... even if she doesnt realize it, its what i think... and so that means what i think is that kate isnt the kind of person i want to be friends with. Of course i could be wrong...
Ahhhhh!!!! this thing is way way way way way too long... i was gonna write more but i HAVE to stop myself NOW!!!!
... no now.... no.... NOW!.... hehe... sigh...
So yeah... thats whats been going on the past month or more. In a nut shell anyway. ;)