(no subject)
If i have learned anything from living in Marlboro for a year its that you can not trust anyone. You may have your fair share of best friends during your lifetime but in the end the only person you can rely on is yourself. No one else is going to go to school for you, earn your money for you or make you happy. Thats your job in life and I have finally realized to not rely on other people but just do what I want to. Everyone will backstab you, everyone will talk about you and everyone will use you for one thing or another. Thinking back i admit i was a bitch for flipping out on the people who i realized did that to me. But its my fault because i should have known and predicted what would come ahead. Your best friend will lie to you, get sick of you and one day just drop you. And im so sick of being the person who people run to when they get hurt. I seem to hide my pain better then most people, because no one seems to suspect that in reality im extremely unhappy with myself and everyone around me. I dont trust my best friends or half of my family. I can really say the only people who i can rely in my life are Elena, My mom and Jojo. I went to the mall this weekend and for a decent half hour I sat on a bench and people watched. I though of a history for each person and predicted when each couple would brake up and while doing that i realized some things. The only reason i gossip and spread rumors is because i am not self confident with myself. I feel the need to talk about people and to bring them down only to make myself seem higher. Thats all bullshit because after its all said and done I feel guilty for opening my mouth and then feel that i sunk even lower then the point that i was at before. Dont tell people your secrets. Dont gossip. Dont rely on other people to do things for you. I know its easier said then done but its a start, and im working to change the way I look at things. I seem to have more fun with my mom then with my friends. I become overwhelmed with happiness when i can run home after school , plop down on my couch, call her and tell her everything that happened that day. We talk like little school girl best friends who know everything about each other. I look up to her because she has been through so much more and i know that no matter what i do or say she will ALWAYS love me and offer me advice on how i can get myself out of my rut. I sound preety gay sitting here and rambling about my mother but i dont even care anymore. I always used to wonder when i would meet someone who changed my life, but all along she was there. In front of me and i never realized how much she has done and overcome for me until now. So if you read this mom, which i know you probably wont i just wanted to tell you that I love you and hope to grow up to be just like you. You are truly 1 amazing woman.
mama ♥
mama ♥